


falling backwards

by transboyfriend



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: (they're 17), Alternate Universe - High School, Anxiety Attacks, Artist Clarke, Debator Lexa, Eventual Smut, F/F, Flashbacks, Mutual Pining, Other, Slow Burn, Trans Lexa, Transmisogyny, Underage - Freeform, Underage Drinking, probably..., theres gonna be some....expirimentation
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-05-23
Updated: 2017-01-06
Packaged: 2018-06-10 06:22:48
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 45,608
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6943405
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/transboyfriend/pseuds/transboyfriend
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Clexa HSAU - the whole crew is here and they're all queer and/or trans and/or intersex. Lexa is the new girl at Ark High, which is basically Hester High (from faking it) on steroids. Bi Clarke and trans lesbian Lexa are awkward (and thirsty) dorks and I love them. Clarke's a TA in Art class, Lexa's on the debate team, Octavia's the quarterback of the all-gender football team and dating robotics club president Raven. Non-binary Monty runs the school's environmentalism club and has a huge crush on Lincoln, ripped af football player.</p><p>or</p><p>fall is a wonderful time for new beginnings</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> i have no idea how long this is going to be, like i have a few chapters planned, where i will switch pov each time, but i kind of want to see where this takes me. this is mostly focusing on clexa but i'm going to delve a little deeper into the backstories of minor characters as well. i want to disclaim that although i am transgender, I'm not amab or transfemme. i'm going to try my best to tell Lexa's story but not pretend that i could possibly understand her experience. 
> 
> TW: transmisogyny, homophobic slurs, anxiety

falling backwards

 

Chapter 1

 

It’s her first day of school at Ark High and Lexa is so nervous she feels a like a small army is traipsing through her stomach.

 

“Are you going to get out Lex?” she hears from the driver’s seat, forcing herself to tear her gaze away from the tops of her black and white vans.

 

“Do I really have to?” Lexa turns her head to look at Gustus, apprehension apparent from the anxiety in her eyes to her nervously bouncing thigh.

 

Gustus returns her glance with concern. “Lexa, I’m sorry I forced us to move so quickly. But you know that this was the only place I was able to get a job and a house for cheap enough on such short notice. And there’s no way it can be worse than what happened at your old school…” he trails off not wanting to remind Lexa of the reason for her transfer on her very first day in a new place. Lexa sighs and glances out the window towards the shapeless mass of people trundling into the the building to escape the early October chill.

 

“I know. I’m just nervous.”

 

Gustus pulls her into a slightly uncomfortable hug over the console, “Trust me Lexa, so am I. But you’re one of the bravest people I know. If there’s anyone that can handle this, it’s you. You’ve always known who you are and you’ve always fought for it. I’m so proud of you. You’re going to fit in just fine here.”

 

Lexa tries not to cry as she returns her foster fathers embrace.

 

“See you tonight dad.”

 

Gustus gives her one last squeeze on the shoulder as Lexa gets out of the car. “I love you!”

 

“Love you too.” Lexa mumbles at the ground.

 

As Gustus drives away, Lexa looks up at the imposing grey building. It seemed to be made entirely of sharp edges and planes of metal, making her wonder if she is about to enter a cage. She looks down briefly, checking that her outfit still looked as good as it did when she put in on an hour ago. She had taken an _eternity_ to select the maroon skinny jeans, loose white tank top and black leather jacket, and finally decided she looked dressed up enough to not be considered a slob yet not fancy enough to still seem laid back. She rolls her eyes internally at her own overly-analytical behavior as she starts walking towards the large grey entrance that seems like more like a gate than a door.

 

Lexa has always been rather shy; a byproduct of being shuffled around from family to family after her biological parents gave her up when she was 8 years old. She had been adopted by Gustus three years later, joining another foster kid Anya who had now become her sibling and closest friend. And although now she definitely feels as though the two of them are her true family, the scars of being unwanted had definitely left their mark.

 

Lexa shakes her head as she opens the front doors of Ark High School, trying to rid herself of her apprehension. She looks around the claustrophobic hallway teeming with people and tries to get her bearings, glancing down at the schedule in her hand.

 

Period 1: Art 1, Room 203, Professor Jaha

 

As she starts toward the stairs on her left, she barely dodges what appears to be a short Korean boy with a fringe of black hair down to his eyes who seems to be intent on reading the schedule in his hand. When their shoulders brush he looks up at her, startled.

 

“Oh shit I’m so sorry! I didn’t mean to bump into you!” he exclaims with an apologetic smile.

 

Lexa returns the smile hesitantly, “It’s okay. I’m trying to find my classes too.”

 

He stares at her quizzically. “I don’t think I’ve seen you before, are you new here?” he wonders.

 

“Yeah I just transferred from Polis. Have you heard of it?” Lexa asks, trying not to shudder at the utterance of the name.

 

“I think so? It’s that small town like an hour away from here where there’s only one high school right?” he asks.

 

“Yeah.”

 

“Oh sorry I forgot, I’m Monty.” He says, sticking out his hand. “I would have felt bad if I didn’t recognize you because our school really isn’t that big. Oh and I use they/them pronouns in case you were wondering.”

 

Lexa shakes their hand, “I’m Lexa. Nice to meet you.” She immediately berates herself for making assumptions about their pronouns. She looks over their shoulder awkwardly and tries to glance at the clock, wondering if she is going to be late to her very first class.

 

They follow her gaze, turning their head, noticing that she had been checking the time. “Oh sorry I forgot, you’re new! I can help you find your class if you want.” They glance at the schedule in her hand then back up to her face. “Also, what pronouns do you use?”

 

Lexa’s mouth parts slightly and her left foot slides back, bracing herself to sprint outside and call Gustus to get her the hell out of this place. _This cannot happen again_ , she thinks.

 

Monty notices her reaction, concern appearing in their eyes. “I’m sorry, I really didn’t mean to freak you out but it’s just kind of what everyone here asks when they first meet someone. You never want to make any assumptions you know?”

 

Lexa’s breath returns to her lungs. “Ye- yes. Of course.” She stutters, inhaling shakily. “I use she/her.”

 

Monty’s face brightens again. “Sounds good!” Their gaze returns to the paper in her hands. “So what class are you going to?”

 

“Art 1 with Professor Jaha.” Lexa replies.

 

Monty scans their schedule rapidly. “Hey! I’m in that class too!!” Their grin widens. “Follow me.”

 

They turn and lead her towards the stairs. As students stream down them from the other direction, she observes many dyed heads, septum piercings and indistinguishably gendered clothing. She considers that maybe already she can tell this place is bound to be better than where she came from.

 

Monty leads her to the room where most of the class is already loitering around sitting on the table at the front, talking and laughing. They slide in a seat next to a light-skinned black boy sporting a small Mohawk and flush immediately when the boy leans over and whispers something in their ear. She wonders briefly if they are about to kiss and marvels over the fact that that not a single person in the loud classroom seems to think it’s a big deal. Just as she is about to start worrying about where she should sit, a tall dark skinned man with short curly black hair and a greying soul patch.

 

“Morning,” he grunts roughly. He looks as though he’s had about two hours of sleep and is ready to murder anyone who stands between him and his coffee. “Since we’ve been having some, ah, problems with concentration lately, I’m giving you all a seating chart,” There is a collective groan from the class as he points to the whiteboard where a list of names is written in blue ink. “There will be no switching seats. There will be no talking across the room. I’m looking at you Reyes.”

 

A dark brown-haired latina girl with incredibly white teeth and an unfairly toned body raises her perfectly plucked eyebrow in what seems to be a challenge from the desk she has draped her prosthetic leg over.

 

“And you too Blake!”

 

His eyes shift to the seat next to ‘Reyes’ where the other apparent troublemaker sits; a dark haired white girl with a jawline so angular it could probably slice someone in half. ‘Blake’ drops her gaze sullenly.

 

Jaha claps his hands, eyes scanning the room. “What are you all waiting for! Go!”

 

The sleepy high schoolers reluctantly start shuffling into their assigned desks. Lexa nervously finds her way to a desk in the back row by the window. At least she’ll be able to daydream staring at the grey sky outside, she thinks. She settles into her desk and turns her head slightly to get her bearings. Monty is sitting about three desks in front of her, looking longingly to the boy that they had been making heart eyes at earlier who now is situated on the opposite side of the classroom. Reyes and Blake are as far apart as they could possibly be; Jaha having placed Reyes in the front on the left side nearest to Lexa and Blake on the right side in the back row. Lexa begins to worry that if Jaha knows how specific students tend to interact, everybody here must know each other very well. How will she ever begin to fit in with them?

 

“Hey,” Lexa hears a husky, low but undoubtedly feminine voice coming from her right. Her eyes dart up and she has to keep her mouth from visibly dropping open out of sheer appreciation for how stunning the girl addressing her is. Her eyes are bright blue, contrasting to the murky grey sky behind her and reminding Lexa of water in a pristine mountain lake untainted by humanity. Her wavy blonde hair falls carelessly down past her shoulders just grazing the top of her form fitting blue v neck that leads into- Lexa abruptly stops her gaze from dropping lower. She gulps.

 

“Hey,” she blinks several times and avoids making eye contact with the gorgeous face in front of her.

 

“Sorry but would you mind handing me my pencil? I dropped it when I was switching seats.” The girl points to next to Lexa’s foot where a green mechanical pencil was laying. 

 

“Oh- um. Sure. Of course.” Lexa grabs it quickly and hands it to the girl, trying not to notice their fingers brushing in the process.

 

“Thanks! I’m Clarke by the way,” the girl says to Lexa. “She/her/hers.”

 

“Lexa.” Lexa replies, trying to smile but worrying that in her nervousness, it comes out as more of a grimace. “I also use she/her.” Clarke smiles back at her and Lexa tries not to blush. 

 

“Do you all really ask every person their pronouns here? That’s so hard to believe.” She marvels slightly. “They never did that at my old school…” She trails off, already paranoid that she’s sharing too much.

 

Clarke laughs, playing with the pencil in her hand. “Yeah we always do that here. It was weird for me at first too but I’m so glad we do. Pronouns are super important.” Lexa nods shyly.

 

“I agree.” Lexa is internally reminded of her sibling Anya and how hard xe has fought for acceptance even though xe gets misgendered nearly every day.

 

Just as Clarke looks as though she’s about to respond, the sound of Jaha’s voice penetrating the loud chatter of the classroom causes them both to look up.

 

“Ok everyone, stop talking. We’re going to work now.” He turns to the board and writes one word: _hands._

 

He turns back around to face the class. “So I know we have been focusing more on objects rather than the human form the beginning few weeks of the semester, but I think it’s time to test out our shading skills on something other than cubes and pyramids.”

 

There’s a collective murmur of excitement from the class and Lexa hears someone next to her whisper “finally!”

 

“I’m being clear on this because some people have neglected to follow rules in the past,” he glances up and Lexa notices several people smirking at each other across the room. “you are drawing your own hands, not anyone else’s! Alright that’s all get to work.”

 

Before Lexa can start to panic about her lack of supplies and art-related skills, Clarke raises her hand.

 

“Yes Ms. Griffin?” Jaha raises an eyebrow.

 

“We have a new student,” Clarke glances over at Lexa, smiling slightly, “Shouldn’t we introduce her to the class?”

 

Lexa shrinks back and tries to become the color of her seat and the wall behind her as all eyes in the classroom turn in her direction.  


“Ah, my apologies,” Jaha gestures towards her. “What’s your name?”

 

“Lexa.” Lexa says quietly, averting her eyes.

 

“Nice to meet you Lexa, welcome to Ark High!” Jaha turns to the rest of the class. All of you; please tell…” he glances up, a question in his eyes that Lexa has already caught on to.

 

“Her.” she supplies.

 

“Tell her your names and pronouns: go.” Jaha finishes.

 

Everyone shares, progressing through each row of desks and Lexa tries not to act extremely shy with all of this attention directly on her. She learns that the first names of Reyes and Blake are Raven and Octavia, and that Monty’s “friend” is named Lincoln.

 

“Alright, _now_ you can get started on your hands” Jaha settles into his desk at the front of the classroom.

 

Lexa now begins to internally freak out. She has had exactly zero experience drawing and has no idea what to do or how to begin. She nervously takes out her notebook and pencil and attempts to appear like she knows what she’s doing, darting her eyes towards Clarke’s desk and the desk of the girl in front of her; _Harper?_ She thinks, but she can’t quite remember.

 

After about ten minutes of attempting to outline her hand she sighs in frustration and leans backwards on her desk. She considers going to the front of the room to ask Jaha if he even thinks she should take this class since she’s obviously behind. Her thoughts are interrupted by the voice from her right again.

 

“Do you need help?” Clarke asks, genuine concern showing in her widened eyes and dimpled chin.

 

Lexa stutters a little in her response, “Um, well I mean- like- I’ve never done anything like this before and I don’t even really think I’m supposed to be in this class, like I was just going to go tell Jaha that I don’t think I should be here so. I don’t really need your help.” She moves to put her stuff away until she feels a soft hand on her forearm.

 

“Wait! Lexa don’t leave. I promise no one in this class actually knows what they’re doing they’ve just had, uh, a little more practice than you. I don’t want you to give up just because you think you should, or because you’re worried you don’t belong here.” Clarke regards her earnestly.

 

Lexa looks up, startled. Why is this girl being so nice to her? What has she done to deserve this? She’s momentarily unable to respond.

 

When she does regain her voice, all she can say is “Okay.”

 

Clarke grins. “Really? You’ll let me help you?”

 

Lexa nods shyly as Clarke eagerly shifts her desk towards her.

 

Lexa glances down briefly at the drawing Clarke had been working on and has to stifle a gasp of amazement. A thumb and two fingers, almost a perfect likeness of Clarke’s own, are shaded and contoured so well that they appear three dimensional; so much so that Lexa wonders if she reached out and touched them, they would feel like the real thing. Clarke notices Lexa gawking and hurriedly shoves a notebook over her drawing.

 

“That- that’s not finished yet.” She says quietly, appearing embarrassed at the thought of Lexa viewing her art.

 

Lexa wants to tell Clarke that she thinks it’s beautiful but the words get caught in her throat. Instead she asks “How long have you been drawing?”

 

Clarke laughs. “Honestly? Since I can remember. As soon as I was able to pick up a paintbrush I drew on everything I could get my hands on. Including the walls of my room, which my parents did not thank me for.” She smiles guiltily. “I’m only in this class because this school’s art department only offers Art 1 and 2. So I already took this class my freshman year, but now that I’m a junior there’s no more art for me to take so might as well TA and get to spend an hour drawing, right?”

 

“Yeah that makes sense. But that’s really stupid that there’s no level higher than two.” Lexa frowns. “You’re really good! You shouldn’t be stuck here teaching beginners.”

 

Clarke blushes. “You haven’t even seen a real drawing of mine how do you know I’m any good?”

 

Lexa ducks her head bashfully. “I don’t know? How was I supposed to know you don’t consider that-” she gestures to the covered partial drawing of Clarke’s hand, “-a real drawing? It looks pretty real to me.”

 

Clarke giggles, “Well, thanks. But wait aren’t I supposed to be helping you instead of bragging about myself?”

 

Lexa rolls her eyes, “I’d hardly consider that bragging.” She shifts her eyes back to Clarke’s stunningly bright blue ones, and quickly looks down again. “But yeah, I do need… help.”

 

Clarke briefly instructs her on the mechanics of shading and the basics of drawing the human form. Lexa stares at Clarkes lips moving and is surprised by how pretty they are. Her teeth are really white and almost straight but not quite, and she has a little freckle right above her lip. It’s kind of cute, Lexa decides. She notices that Clarke nods her head a lot when she’s talking, maybe to prove her sincerity. Lexa is still staring when Clarke meets her gaze again, looking up from the demonstration she had been drawing in Lexa’s notebook. “-so basically you just have to make sure you know where the angle of light is supposed to be coming from and then do all of your shading accordingly.”

 

Lexa starts and shakes her head a little bit to return to reality. “Right. Ok. Seems easy enough?” she says, as though she has been paying attention, although she has a sinking feeling Clarke knows she hadn’t been.

 

Clarke peers over at Lexa’s face with an amused expression. “You weren’t listening, were you?”

 

“Ye- yes I was!” Lexa insists. “I just zoned out for like, an inconsequentially small amount of time!” She crosses her arms huffily, embarrassed.

 

Clarke laughs again, “Oh my god it’s fine calm down.” She pauses briefly, apparently in thought, and then all of the sudden scoots closer to Lexa’s desk, and for a second Lexa thinks she is going to hug her, but instead Clarke grabs the outside of Lexa’s right hand with her left, putting their bodies in very close proximity.

 

She looks into Lexa’s eyes earnestly, and Lexa almost jumps in surprise at how close their faces are, “What if I just showed you?”

 

Lexa looks down at their interlocked palms and desperately tries to think about dead puppies and failing her driver’s test and boring baseball games.

 

_Do not embarrass yourself just because a pretty girl is touching you._

“Um. Okay, sure.”

 

“Okay great.” Clarke moves their hands to a blank sheet of paper.

 

“It might be different for you because I’m a lefty but I’ll try to show you. I think the easiest way to draw a cube is to draw two squares offset from each other, like this.”

 

Lexa holds her breath as Clarke’s blond hair barely tickles her arm. Clarke doesn’t seem to notice.

 

“And then you connect the corners like this,” Clarke moves their hands so the two squares now appear to be an admittedly juvenile looking three dimensional cube.

 

“The shading is a bit harder, because you have to make sure all of the shadows you draw make sense. So like if the sun was here,” Clarke points with her right hand, shifting away from Lexa for a second, “Then you would shade these three sides.” Clarke removes her hand and scoots closer again, demonstrating to Lexa’s hand how it should shade.

 

Clarke suddenly pulls away, regarding Lexa expectantly. “Now you try.”

 

Lexa’s stomach flips. _Oh god._ She puts the pencil to a clean spot on the paper and feels Clarke’s eyes on her.

 

“I don’t think I can when you’re looking at me,” Lexa says quickly, avoiding eye contact.

 

Clarke immediately averts her eyes and scoots back to her desk, “Okay okay sorry I’ll work on something else. Just let me see when you’re done!”

 

Lexa lets out a deep breath. _Calm down Lex it’s just a drawing._   She sneaks a peek at Clarke, who’s eyebrows are furrowed in concentration, intently shading the unfinished hand on her desk.

 

Lexa begins to draw like Clarke had shown her and is surprised to find that after about twenty minutes she does manage to create something resembling a cube. It’s nowhere near as elaborate and detailed as Clarke’s drawing had been but she figures it’s a good start.

 

Clarke nudges her softly without looking up from her desk. “Hey, can I look now?”

 

“Yes sorry, here,” Lexa shoves the paper into Clarke’s hand.

 

“Wow, Lexa, this isn’t bad at all!” Clarke scans the drawing as Lexa sits on her hands, bouncing nervously. “I’m really impressed.” She continues to give Lexa some pointers and suggestions for her next drawing but Lexa kind of stops listening after Clarke says she was impressed with it. As Clarke is talking, Lexa nods and smiles in what she hopes are the right places. She can’t stop staring at Clarke’s slightly pink cheeks and flawless skin.

 

The bell rings suddenly and Lexa is grudgingly reminded that she has 6 more hours of new faces to learn and new classes to attend.

 

“I think you’re doing just fine for your first day in art.” Lexa regards Clarke uncertainly.

 

_Yeah right, she’s just saying that._

 

“Thanks for helping me”

 

“Of course! Let me know if you have more questions about art, or anything in general about this school. I’m, sadly, quite an expert.” She tilts her head sideways, winking as she slings her bag over her shoulder and joins the stream of students exiting the classroom.

 

Lexa blinks, her mouth parted slightly in shock. _Wait holy shit did she really just fucking wink at me?_

Overall, Lexa thinks that this class could have gone much much worse. As she packs up her own backpack, she checks her schedule to see what her next class is. Maybe she’ll have it with Clarke.

 

_Wait, stop. You shouldn’t be thinking like this. Clarke is just a pretty girl who was nice to you because you’re new. Just because she winked at you and touched your hand doesn’t mean anything. Besides she’s probably straight. And even if she’s not why would she be interested in someone like you?_

 

 

\--

 

 

“Okay so you’re going to want to avoid the lasagna here, it’s usually pretty gross.”

 

Lexa is in line for food with Raven, who had invited her to lunch during their fourth period history class.

 

“Oh and also the pears are always way too fucking hard.” Raven grabs a banana instead.

 

Lexa eyes the selection of meatless hotdogs and mixed vegetables. She notices Raven watching her. “Oh god you’ve noticed haven’t you? Literally everyone here is vegetarian and they petitioned to get the cafeteria to provide more options. So now they don’t serve meat.” Raven rolls her eyes as she’s paying for her food. “It’s fine, whatever. I just wish I could indulge in some fucking chicken fingers without my friends lining up to lecture me on the socio-environmental evils of carnivorous eating or whatever.”

 

Lexa lets out a small laugh. She’s never maintained a vegetarian or vegan diet but she doesn’t really mind not eating meat.

 

“I think it’s cool that the school listened to them.” she says, trying not to imagine how this petition would have gone at her old school.

 

_Vegetarian only? You gotta feed these kids some damn protein, we don’t want them turning into liberal queers who smoke weed for breakfast._

Raven nods, and motions for Lexa to follow her across the cafeteria. “Yeah same, we’re pretty lucky that the administration actually listens to us. But sometimes I just want to eat a burger in peace without feeling like a murderer.”

 

Lexa smiles and follows her to a table where she sees Octavia sitting across from a person she hasn’t met before. Raven grabs Octavia’s outstretched hand and sits down next to her quickly, letting out a loud puff of air.

 

Octavia raises her eyebrows in concern, her hand moving to rest on Raven’s cheek, their legs touching. “Are you okay?”

 

Raven grimaces. “Yes. My leg has just been acting up lately I think I need to adjust my pain meds.”

 

Octavia looks like she doesn’t believe her but she drops her hand away from Raven’s face, and suddenly refocuses her gaze on Lexa, who is still standing awkwardly on the other side of the table, unsure if she should sit down or not.

 

“Oh yeah sorry this is Lexa!” Octavia and the other person look up at her and she arranges her face into what she thinks is a friendly look.

 

“Lexa, this is my girlfriend Octavia who you might have met already, she’s in art class with us. And this is Wells, I don’t know if you know him or not.” A beautiful black boy with a curly buzz cut smiles up at her.

 

“Nice to meet you all.” She decides it would be more awkward to not sit down at this point so she joins Wells on one side of the table.

 

“So Lexa,” Wells looks up from his food, “where are you from? What brings you to Ark high?”

 

Lexa composes herself, remembering the response she had rehearsed yesterday: “I moved here from Polis because my dad got a new job.” No one needs to know that her dad got the new job after they had moved, after Lexa couldn’t stand to be in that place anymore, after everything that happened with-

 

Octavia makes a face. “Polis? Isn’t that that really shitty high school that was just all over the news for an anti-trans hate crime?”

 

Lexa inhales sharply. “Yes.” She looks down, refusing to meet any of their eyes.

 

Wells notices her discomfort and changes the subject. “Well I’m glad you’re here now.” he gives Octavia a meaningful look, seeming to say _don’t make our guest uncomfortable_. “This school has its problems but you can rest assured nothing like that would ever happen here. I mean, I’ve never even gotten made fun of and I’ve been out as bi since freshman year. I’m a senior now.” He gives Lexa a warm smile.

 

“Yeah, same for me. I came out as a lesbian my sophomore year, right before O and I started dating,” she laughs and Octavia smiles at her, eyes shining, and grabs her hand under the table. “No one has ever given any of the trans kids here shit either. The teachers at this school have all gone through a super intense sensitivity training about pronouns and stuff.”

 

Lexa tries to let that reassure her, but her mind is sprinting at one hundred miles per hour. She squeezes her eyes shut trying to force the memories to stay out.

 

_Jason is shoving her, her ass hitting the ground hard._

_“Tranny”_

_“Freak”_

She shudders and hopes they don’t notice.

 

Raven saves her from spiraling into a panic, “Anyway, Wells, speaking of dating and sexuality;” she leans down closer to the table, glancing to her left and right, “how was your date?” She smirks up at him.

 

Blood rushes to his face as he ducks down to stare at his tofurky sandwich. “How do you know about that?”

 

Octavia smacks his arm playfully over the table. “We’re like best friends with Clarke, of course we knew, dork!”

 

Lexa’s heart drops. Clarke? She briefly wonders if it could be a different Clarke but unfortunately the name isn’t very common. Wait. Why does she even care?

 

Wells looks up abashedly. “Well yeah so I asked Clarke if she wanted to go to a movie with me the other night and I know we’ve been friends since middle school but I think I made it clear that I wanted it to be like, a more than friends thing? And I’ve been waiting a while to ask her because I wanted to make sure she’s had enough time to get over…” an unspoken name hangs in the air, and Lexa notices a meaningful glance between her three acquaintances. Wells takes a deep breath and continues, “But anyway I think it went okay? I’m not really sure. It was really fun though. But I don’t know if she likes me like that? She kissed me on the cheek at the end of it when she drove me home.”

 

“She drove you home?” Raven exclaims in astonishment. “A modern feminist love story.” She laughs into Octavia’s shoulder as Wells turns a deeper shade of red.

 

“Yeah ok I don’t have my license yet alright!” he mumbles.

 

Octavia and Raven proceed to make fun of Wells for the remainder of the lunch period and Lexa tries to join in their conversation but a lot of the jokes go over her head and she’s reminded just how alone she is in this brand new school where she really doesn’t actually know anyone. As they say goodbye to her on their way to their next class, (they’re all in Chemistry together somehow) tears threaten to spring forth from her eyes. She’s so tired of waiting for things to get better eventually; she yearns for everything to be okay _now_. All she’s ever wanted is to feel accepted and to have a real connection with someone besides her dad and Anya. She’s so tired of refusing to trust people for fear of them turning their backs on her. Which reminds her of the person that she felt an instant connection with earlier that morning. Clarke and her could have been friends, but Lexa doesn’t want to impose her presence on someone who clearly has other, better friends. Besides, she went on a date with a boy. There’s no way she’d be comfortable if she knew the things Lexa was thinking about during their brief art ‘tutoring’ session. Lexa resolves to not ask Clarke for any more help.

 

She’s walking through the hallway aimlessly, so lost in thought that she forgets to check which classroom she’s supposed to be heading towards.

 

She feels it and sees it at the same time; warm dark liquid spraying across her white tank top, scalding her skin. She hisses and recoils backwards, almost losing her balance until she feels a hand on her bicep, steadying her.

 

“Oh my god I am SO sorry!” Clarke’s worried face appears inches from her own shaken one; a different hand grabbing her other bicep so Clarke is facing her completely. Lexa raises her startled gaze, noticing that Clarke’s hair is in disarray and her eyes are wide and frantic.

 

“Clarke. I’m fine, really.”

 

“No you’re not! I ruined your shirt and probably burned you!”

 

“It didn’t really hurt that bad…” Lexa trails off, looking sideways Clarke releases Lexa’s biceps, taking a step back and crossing her arms over her own chest, raising an eyebrow in challenge. If Lexa’s entire front side wasn’t so uncomfortably wet and burnt, she might be turned on. 

 

“Oh my god Lexa, we have to get you a different shirt.” She pauses, thinking. “Actually I think I have one in my gym locker, come on.” She grabs Lexa’s hand and pulls her along the emptying hallway.

 

“We’re gonna be late for 5th period but you can blame me,” Clarke says over her shoulder, striding quickly. “What class are you supposed to be in?”

 

Lexa checks her schedule and inhales sharply, “Gym.” _Fuck._

 

Clarke stops suddenly, turning to face Lexa. “Wait really? Me too! This is perfect! You can just change into gym clothes and let your shirt dry.” She glances up and down Lexa’s torso, frowning slightly, making Lexa absurdly self-conscious until she realizes that Clarke is simply assessing the damage to her shirt.

 

“That stain is probably not going to come out, unfortunately.” Clarke half-smiles sheepishly. “I’m really sorry. Can I take you shopping sometime to buy you a new one?”

 

Before Lexa’s brain has a chance to think, her tongue is blurting out, “Yes.”

 

Clarke’s face lights up. “It’s a date.” Lexa gulps.

 

“Um. We should probably go to class.”

 

“Right.” _Wait no. Oh god._

 

Lexa tries to stop the flood of unwanted memories from entering her brain but she can’t.

 

_She’s 8 years old and her parents don’t want her because she will never be the son they always wanted._

_She’s 9 years old and she’s sinking to the floor of the hallway sobbing uncontrollably, replaying the principal’s words in her mind: “I’m sorry Alex, you’re going to have to use the boy’s locker room like all the other little boys. You’re not a girl and having you in the locker room with real girls would make them and their parents very uncomfortable.”_

_She’s 13 years old and she just wants to be able to pee at school: “You can use the faculty bathroom. Only you are allowed to use it, isn’t that special? A bathroom all to yourself?”_ __  
  


She’s 17 years old and the idea of going to gym class again makes her heart leap out of her chest, makes her skin grow clammy and extinguishes the air from her lungs.

 

“Lexa!” Clarke’s voice pierces the swirling storm cloud in her mind. “Lexa look at me,” Somehow Lexa is leaning against the black lockers and Clarke is supporting her, hands around her waist.

 

“Take a breath in through your mouth and out through your nose, with me, ready go.”

 

They breath together, Lexa focusing on the grey color of Clarke’s shirt and the way her abdomen moves in and out rhythmically.

 

They stay like this for what feels like forever, but Lexa knows it probably has only been two minutes.

 

Clarke breaks the silence. “Are you okay?” She seems to rethink her words and quietly scoffs at herself and instead adds, “Sorry, that was a dumb question.”

 

Lexa smiles weakly. “I’ll survive.”

 

“Was that an anxiety attack or-”

 

“Yes. Although it wasn’t nearly as bad as some of the other ones I’ve had.”

 

“Oh. Okay. I’m glad it wasn’t as bad because I probably wouldn’t have known what to do. Honestly I only knew about the breathing thing because my mom is a pediatrician and she has had experience in these sorts of things. And I-” Clarke swallows uncertainly, “I have had a few attacks myself.”

 

Lexa shifts so she’s looking directly into Clarke’s face, which is still flushed with concern, her left hand still resting on the side of Lexa’s hip.

 

“Listen, I’m really sorry you had to see that. We literally just met and now you’ve seen me in, um, a very compromised position. I’d really appreciate it if you kept this between us.” Lexa rushes the sentence towards the end. Her heart is still pounding loudly in her chest and she can tell her anxiety is unlikely to subside anytime within the next decade.    

 

“Yeah, of course. I won’t tell anyone.” Clarke nods at her earnestly. “Um, do you want to call your parents or go to the nurse or something? Or we can just go to class if you feel up for it, but I understand if you don’t.”

 

Lexa looks down at her still wet and stained shirt. “I kind of want to call my dad, but I mean I do need to change still.”

 

Clarke lets out a laugh but immediately recomposes her somber expression, “Shit I forgot about that! Do you want to come to the locker room with me to get it?”

 

She notices Lexa withdraw slightly and swiftly revises her suggestion. “Or you can just stay here and I’ll go get it! There won’t be anyone in there right now though,” She glances up at the silver analog clock above the lockers they are leaning against, “They’ll all be done changing by now I think.”

 

“I’ll come,” the words are out of Lexa’s mouth before she knows what she’s saying.

 

Clarke beams and grabs Lexa’s hand again to lead her to their destination. They walk down a long hallway and Lexa sees a metal door on the left side, near what appears to be the entrance to a gymnasium. As they approach she is so astounded to see that the sign on the doorway says ‘All-Gender Locker Room’ that she stops in her tracks. _This cannot be real. Can it?_

Clarke regards her in surprise. “You okay there?”

 

“Yeah I’m just, surprised, that’s all.”

 

(surprised doesn’t even begin to cover it)

 

Lexa continues in awe, “You really only have one locker room? That everyone shares together?”

 

Clarke nods, smiling. “Yes isn’t it awesome? Since gym is required for everyone all four years, we asked the administration to combine both the men’s and women’s locker rooms so that everyone could feel comfortable and not have to make a decision about which gendered space to use. There are a bunch of private showers and changing areas too though for people who don’t want to change in front of everyone.”

 

Lexa cannot keep her jaw from dropping. She is astounded that there were enough people to support this decision that it really exists in an actual school.

 

Clarke tugs lightly on Lexa’s hand that she’s still holding. “You ready?”

 

“Yes.”

 

As they are walking towards Clarke’s locker, a severe looking black woman wearing a ‘property of ark high’ sweatshirt with a whistle dangling from her lanyard steps out of what appears to be an office, cocking her head at the two of them. Lexa pulls her hand away from Clarke’s as she hears Clarke whisper “shit.”

 

The woman glares at Clarke “You’re late.”

 

“Yeah I know I’m sorry, I spilled coffee on Lexa and we were trying to get her a new shirt and-” the woman raises her hand, cutting Clarke off.

 

“Enough. I do not need to hear your excuses. Just get changed as quickly as you can and come upstairs to the gym.” She turns to Lexa. “And who might you be?”

 

Clarke answers for her, “This is Lexa, she’s a new student.”

 

“I see. You may call me coach Indra.” She turns towards the stairs to the gym. “Don’t dawdle.”

 

After she leaves Clarke immediately turns to Lexa apologetically. “I’m sorry she’s kind of, intense.”

 

“Clarke you don’t need to speak for me.”

 

“What?” Clarke’s eyebrows jump.

 

“I am more than capable of speaking for myself.” Lexa’s eyes blaze, losing all traces of her earlier hesitant demeanor. “Maybe you thought I needed your help but I don’t.”

 

Clarke’s wide eyes retreat.  “I’m sorry, I thought you wanted-”

 

“Well I didn’t.” Lexa interrupts. She turns away as tears begin to prick her eyes. It seems like a stupid thing to be upset about but her whole life everyone has tried to make decisions for her and she’s so tired of people underestimating her abilities. She knows Clarke was probably just trying to protect her knowing about her anxiety, but the last thing Lexa needs is to show this much vulnerability in front of a girl she barely knows. She’s already revealed too much about her weaknesses. Lexa resolves to ignore Clarke the rest of the class period unless they are forced to interact.

 

Clarke silently hands her a shirt and makes her way to one of the individual changing rooms, presumably because she doesn’t want Lexa to see her. Lexa hates that she’s secretly disappointed because it _had_ occurred to her that Clarke might have stayed in Lexa’s view to change if she hadn’t snapped at her. Lexa immediately stifles the thought.

She changes into Clarke’s dry shirt, which unfortunately smells delicious.

 

She drops her jeans to the floor, standing in her American Eagle boxer briefs when she hears Clarke come out of the changing room behind her.

“Lexa,” Clarke starts, and Lexa hears her stop when she sees that Lexa’s in her underwear. “Shit, sorry.”

 

Lexa pulls on her shorts as fast as she can, knowing that Clarke was probably grossed out by the sight of her butt and bare legs. Not that she cares.

 

“We should go to class.” Lexa says, still not turning around. Clarke nods and starts climbing the stairs. Lexa makes an exceptional effort of trying not to stare at Clarke’s ass in her nearly skin tight, _very_ short shorts.

 

It turns out everyone is playing volleyball. Indra assigns Clarke and Lexa to separate teams with a disapproving glare. Lexa is surprised that she is actually not that terrible at setting and bumping and manages to set up a few spikes for the teammate to her left on the court, who’s name she discovers is Murphy.

 

She can’t help but sneak a few glances at Clarke, who seems to be having the time of her life on a team with Monty in the other court. Lexa’s too intent on her game to notice when Clarke looks over at her five minutes later and nearly gets hit in the face with a stray ball.

 

“Alright everyone, good work today. Next class we will be continuing the volleyball tournament with same teams.” Coach Indra claps her hands and everyone streams towards the locker room.

 

Lexa is slightly apprehensive to see how this whole all-gender changing area will work but everyone seems to act like it’s completely normal. Lexa sees Lincoln remove his shirt while talking to Clarke, who, holy shit, is also taking off her shirt and wow. Lexa averts her eyes. She hates that she wants to keep looking at Clarke’s chest spilling out of her blue sports bra, cleavage glistening with a slight sheen of sweat. Lexa makes her way to an individual changing room as fast as she can.

 

She glances down and sighs. She had been wearing a gaff because the jeans she’s wearing today are quite form fitting and she didn’t want to have any sign of a bulge. She’s not going to try to tuck with a semi hard on though. She sighs, annoyed. Thanks to Clarke, she’ll have to wait for it to go away before she puts on her pants again.  


Lexa’s gender dysphoria isn’t usually terrible, especially since she was able to start puberty blockers at age 10, hormones at age 13, and luckily avoided starting a puberty that would have made her incredibly unhappy. Plus, she had gotten boobs which was absolutely wonderful. Her genitals have a complicated relationship with her dysphoria. Sometimes she doesn’t mind not tucking, especially when she’s wearing loose pants like joggers or gym shorts. But some days she can barely stand to look at her naked body without being reminded of the sad wisp of a person she used to be. But today she wants to make sure that she looks her absolute best in her tightest jeans; no one at this school knows she’s trans and she wants to keep it that way.

 

After a minute or two, her excitement has gone away enough to get dressed again. She suddenly remembers that she’s wearing Clarke’s gym shirt and she can’t change back into her own coffee stained shirt. _Shit._ She has to talk to Clarke again. She exits the changing room cautiously, unsure if Clarke is done changing. She tells herself her apprehension is from anger at Clarke for ruining her shirt, and has nothing to do with the possibility of seeing Clarke in her bra again.

 

Clarke is now talking to Monty who is pulling on a shirt over their- _binder? In front of everyone?_ Lexa marvels at how comfortable they seem. She barely manages to stifle the unrecognizable wave of emotion that almost overtakes her; tugging on her trembling lip, tightening her throat. She’s never seen another trans person change out in the open so boldly and bravely. In fact, she’s never really known any other trans people aside from her sibling Anya, but xe had only come out a year ago and was still learning to accept xemself, (and if Lexa was being honest with herself, so was she).

 

“Clarke.” It’s not a request.

 

She looks up. “What?”

 

“I’m wearing your shirt the rest of the day because the one you spilled coffee on really isn’t wearable. I’ll wash it and give it back to you tomorrow?”

 

Clarke looks surprised that Lexa is talking to her, which isn’t surprising seeing as she’d been rather icy in their last encounter.

 

“Yeah of course. You don’t have to wash it though.”

 

“No, I’m going to.”

 

Lexa detects an earnest concerned look on Clarke’s face. “I was serious about taking you shopping for a new shirt, honestly. I feel terrible. Let me make it up to you?”

 

Against all of Lexa’s better judgement and previous resolutions to stay away from this girl who already knows way too much about her, she agrees.

 

“Can I have your number?”

 

Lexa’s eyes widen. “Um-”

 

 “Just so we can set up when we’re going to go shopping!” Clarke interrupts her, laughing.

 

Lexa smiles shyly. “Yeah sure.”

 

 

\--

 

 

Gustus is waiting for her in the parking lot after her last class.

 

“So?” He looks at her inquiringly as she opens the front door of the car. “How was your first day?”

 

Lexa lets out a huge breath as she plops in the seat, eyes focused on the grey ceiling of the car.

 

“It was… eventful.”

 

“Was it as bad as you thought it would be?”

 

Lexa laughs, an unbidden image of Clarke’s smile flickering through her brain. “No. Although I did have a panic attack in front of a total stranger and she gave me her shirt.”

 

Gustus shoots her a sideways glance, shaking his head and chuckling. “I want to hear all about it.” 

                                                                                                      


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarke takes Lexa shopping and tries not to have emotions

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> comments and kudos are greatly appreciated! let me know what you want to see moving forward

Chapter 2

 

“Ugh fuck this!”

 

Clarke throws her pencil in the general direction of Raven’s coffee table, having given up on her pre-calculus homework for the evening. Nearly every Tuesday afternoon since freshman year, her, Raven, and Octavia get together to do homework since Tuesday’s are the only days that Octavia doesn’t have football practice, and Raven always schedules robotics club meetings for different days so that the three of them can get together.

 

Raven raises her eyebrows. “Clarke we’ve only been doing work for like, 45 minutes.” Her eyes narrow in the direction of Clarke’s notebook. “And you’ve only done two problems.”

 

“I know…” Clarke sighs heavily. “I literally cannot do this though. God I hate math so much.” She frowns, sinking into Raven’s couch and crossing her arms over her chest.

 

Octavia looks up from the loveseat that her and Raven are sharing. “I literally cannot deal with your negativity though.” She smirks as Clarke shoots her a dirty look.

 

“Can we at least take a break?”

 

“Yeah sure I mean I finished this assignment in class anyway.” Raven shrugs.

 

Octavia elbows her, “Hey, no need to rub it in, turd.”

 

Raven shoots her a smug glance. “Sorry.”

 

Clarke doesn’t think she looks very apologetic. “Can I make some pizza or something?” She asks.

 

“Yeah I mean you basically live here so...” Octavia laughs.

 

Clarke rolls her eyes and makes her way to the kitchen to heat up the frozen food.

 

“You better not be trying to make it from scratch!” Raven calls from the living room. “We don’t want a repeat of the pancake incident.”

 

Clarke cringes at the memory of burnt batter coating the top of the oven. “It was an _accident!_ ”

 

She hears Raven and Octavia laughing quietly, and when they abruptly go silent, she realizes that they are probably kissing. Clarke doesn’t really mind that two of her best friends are together, although she does get annoyed by them sometimes when they are excessively sappy and lovestruck. And, she lets herself admit with a twinge of her gut, it does make her wish that she had someone she could love that way too. 

 

But she knows she doesn’t deserve it. The last time she loved someone, he ended up dead. It’s been almost two years but her stomach still constricts and she feels her pulse in her throat every time she lets herself think about Finn. She shudders silently, shooting dagger eyes at the rotating pizza in the microwave like it could give her an answer as to why she’s still devastated.

 

“Are you done yet? I’m hungry!” Raven yells from the living room, jolting her out of her reverie.

 

“Yes its almost done! Jesus have some patience.” Clarke takes the pizza out of the microwave, grimacing slightly when the edge of the hot crust grazes her wrist as she’s sliding it onto a plate.

 

“You better be grateful for this it took a lot of effort.” She calls as she reenters the living room.

 

Raven and Octavia untangle themselves from each other, eyeing the pizza hungrily.

 

Clarke notices their flushed cheeks and kiss swollen lips. “Stop being so gross.”

 

Raven smirks as she bites into her food while Octavia has the decency to look slightly embarrassed.

 

“So.” Octavia looks up from her pizza, wiggling her eyebrows. “We talked to Wells today.”

 

Clarke flushes and rolls her eyes. “And?”

 

“He really, really likes you.” Raven glances up. “What are you going to do about it?”

 

“I don’t know.”

 

“Well do you like him?” Octavia asks.

 

“I mean, yes? He’s really sweet and nice and I trust him a lot-” Clarke trails off, sighing at the grey carpet. “But I really don’t think I want to be with him. I just want to be best friends with him without it being weird.”

 

Raven scoots off the loveseat, throwing an arm around Clarke, who is sitting on the couch. “There’s nothing wrong with you for not wanting to date him.” She investigates Clarke’s worried face intensely.

 

“It does sucks though.” She pauses, casting her gaze upward. “He’ll be disappointed and it’ll make you feel guilty but you shouldn’t! It’s your life and you have to do what makes _you_ happy.”

 

“And you always have us too ya know,” Octavia interjects. “Even if we’re sometimes less… available than we used to be.” She regards Clarke apologetically.

 

Clarke buries her face into Raven shoulder. “I know…” She can feel the lump rising at the back of her throat. “I just- I can’t help but feel like the reason I’m so hesitant to date him, or anyone really, is because-” she pauses, sucking in air. “I don’t deserve him,” She whispers. “I don’t deserve anyone. I can’t be the cause of other people’s pain again.”

 

Octavia joins them on the couch, her and Raven sandwiching Clarke in between their bodies.

 

They remain there for several minutes, tears beginning to trickle down Clarke’s face between the embrace of her two friends.

 

Raven breaks the silence. “I miss him too.” She squeezes Clarke’s shoulder. “It wasn’t your fault.”

 

Clarke nods silently as she returns their hugs, but she knows that they are wrong. She was responsible for Finn’s death and there’s nothing she can do to change that fact. She cannot let herself be responsible for hurting anyone else.

 

 

\--

 

 

Almost a week has passed since Clarke spilled coffee on Lexa and lent her a shirt in gym class. Lexa had wordlessly returned it the following day in Art class after Clarke had shown her how to use watercolor paintbrushes. Lexa still asks for help in art, but Clarke has a feeling it was only because they sit next to each other; and after all, Clarke is the TA. Lexa avoids talking to her in gym class, and several times in the past week, Clarke had seen her eating lunch alone in the cafeteria. Lexa is a puzzle Clarke just can’t quite put together. Paradoxically, she seems desperate for connection and yet wants to avoid it at all costs. Clarke is intrigued by this mysterious, aloof girl, but is still hesitant to reach out for fear of the rejection she’d experienced last time. But Clarke still owes Lexa a new shirt, and this could be the perfect opportunity to see more of what Clarke had briefly glimpsed during Lexa’s panic attack; what’s really underneath her hard exterior.

 

 **Unknown number (11:47 am):** hey :) its clarke

**lexa (11:53 am):** Hi Clarke

**Unknown number (11:54 am):**  do you wanna go shopping afterschool today

 

 **lexa (11:57 am):** I have to ask my dad but yes

 

 **Clarke Griffin: (11:59 am):** omg cool!!! where do u want to go like do u have a preference?

 

 **lexa: (12:03 pm):** I just asked my dad and he said I can as long as you have a car

 

 **lexa (12:04 pm):** And no I don’t have a preference. I just moved here so I don’t know where the good places are or whatever.

 

 **Clarke Griffin (12:04 pm):** k well we could go to the mall but i hate it bc its rly crowded and its always too expensive. can we just go 2 target??

 

 **lexa (12:07 pm):** Yeah sounds good. Do you want to meet after school?

**Clarke Griffin (12:08 pm):** ya sure do u know where my locker is

**lexa (12:09 pm):** Yes, I’ll meet you there at 3

 

 **Clarke Griffin (12:09 pm):** yayyyyyyyyy ill see u soon

 

“Why are you smiling at your crotch?” Octavia nudges her quietly, pretending to be enthralled by Professor Kane’s drawing of the unit circle.

 

Clarke jolts forward, hastily stowing her phone in her backpack. “Jesus O!” she whispers “Not now, Kane will hear us.”

 

Octavia smirks, leaning back in her seat. Clarke tries to refocus on the lecture. Pre-calculus is her worst subject and she has to strain her mind to remember a time when she actually did understand anything during class instead of counting on Raven to explain it to her later.

 

She feels a piece of paper land in her lap. Her eyes roll again; she cannot believe Octavia is passing her a note like they are twelve years old.

_is it a new love interest?????_

 

Clarke shoots a glare in Octavia’s direction and begins to scribble furiously.

 

_no its just lexa im going shopping with her for a new shirt (bc I ruined hers last week)_

Octavia beams widely as her eyes scan the note.

 

_lolllllll k whatever u say. Have fun on ur date ;)_

Clarke huffs, crossing her arms in Octavia’s general direction.

 

_its not a date!!!!!!_

 

Finally noticing the vague whispers and the sound of crinkling of paper, Kane looks up from the white board. “Have anything share anything with the class, ladies?”

 

Both Octavia and Clarke sink lower into their seats, avoiding eye contact. “No.” They deadpan in unison.

 

He lowers his reading glasses and fixes them with an impervious stare. “There better not be. Next time I’ll read it to everyone.”

 

Clarke scowls, attempting to communicate ‘I told you so’ through her fuming gaze. Octavia just smiles and mouths ‘sorry,’ shrugging haphazardly.

 

Clarke passes the rest of the class by doodling breasts on the back of her notes instead of paying attention to professor Kane; knowing she will regret it when the test rolls around, but not really being able to bring herself to give a fuck.

 

\--

 

 

Clarke is in the bathroom with Wells, getting ready for her shopping trip with Lexa. They’re skipping last period, because who the hell cares about economics.

 

“Are you sweating?” Wells asks, dangling his feet from the sink facing Clarke, who is reapplying eyeliner in the mirror.

 

“What?” She puts down the eyeliner briefly, eyeing him incredulously. “Why the fuck would I be sweating?”

 

“I don’t know you just look… out of breath. And you already had gym like 2 hours ago so you don’t have that as an excuse.”

 

Clarke is quickly reminded that today in gym, she had partnered with Monty to play tennis against Lexa and Lincoln (Indra had moved the class on to a new unit). It had been really fun, even though most of Lexa’s hits had been nearly impossible for Clarke to return, a perpetual smug look residing in her features as she and Lincoln won match after match.

 

“I’m just- it’s hot in here, don’t you think?” Clarke glances at him, flustered.

 

Wells laughs. “Sure Clarke, whatever you say. Although I’m a little miffed that you think I don’t know you well enough to figure out what mood you’re in. Why are you nervous?”

 

“I’m not!”

 

He eyes her skeptically. “Is this about that girl?”

 

“No.”

 

“Clarke you don’t have to make this weird.” He sighs. “I know it has been though. I’m sorry I made things uncomfortable by asking you on a date. But it’s been like a week since we talked about it and I know you don’t feel the same way as I do. It’s okay if you like someone else.”

 

Clarke puts the finishing touches on her makeup, elbow leaning against the sink, cocking her head sideways at Wells.

 

“Don’t be sorry for telling me how you feel. That was brave.” If only Clarke could follow her own advice.

 

“You’re avoiding the question.”

 

Clarke makes an exasperated face. “I’m going shopping with Lexa that’s all.”

 

“Ookay.” Wells sounds like he doesn’t think her phrasing accurately sums up the situation.

 

Clarke rolls her eyes, swinging her backpack over her shoulder. “I’m leaving now.”

 

“Have fun!” the teasing note is so apparent in his tone that Clarke can almost hear the wink emoji.

 

“Good _bye_ Wells.”

 

As she is stepping out of the restroom, and for the second time that week, Clarke is greeted with an abrupt collision with a whirlwind of wild wavy brown hair, and the sound of something clattering to the floor.

 

Bright green eyes meet her gaze instantly. “Sorry…” Lexa hastily takes several steps backwards, fidgeting nervously with her hands.

 

Clarke just laughs. “Hey to you too!”

 

Lexa smiles back shyly. “I was just coming to meet you at your locker”

 

“Interestingly enough, I was just about to walk over to my locker.” Clarke smirks. “Care to join? I do have to drop off my books before we head out.”

 

“Sure.” Lexa bends over to pick up her phone which she had somehow fallen out of her pocket when they collided. As gravity pulls the navy blue fabric of her shirt downwards, Clarke has to avert her eyes and consciously try to avoid remembering the spilled coffee on Lexa’s white tank top and the wet cloth outlining the curve of her breasts and the shape of her black bra.

 

Lexa pops back up quickly. “Which one is your locker? I couldn’t remember the exact number; I just knew the general vicinity.”

 

Clarke strides over to it, leaning a hand on the black metal and cocking her head towards Lexa. “It’s this one.”

 

She tries to input the combination as quickly as she can manage, however she has to try several times because for some reason, she feels rather flustered with Lexa’s eyes on her. Finally, she manages to get it open and shove her books inside. She notices Lexa’s eyes flickering towards the pictures she has tacked up on the inside: Clarke giving a football-gear-clad Octavia a piggyback ride. Raven and Clarke’s faces on opposite ends of a burrito, each taking a huge bite. Monty and Clarke laying in the grass of Monty’s garden that they’d planted the year before in the school’s courtyard. Clarke, Finn, Wells, and Lincoln wearing swimsuits at the lake, arms around each other, just days before Finn died. She thinks she can discern the question in Lexa’s eyes, but Lexa says nothing.

 

Clarke closes her locker, turning to face Lexa again. “So,” the corners of her lips are upturned, “Are you ready?”

 

“Yes.” Lexa replies, and although she isn’t smiling, Clarke thinks she can detect some excitement sparkling in her green eyes.

 

“Then let’s go!” Clarke grabs her hand and pulls her in the direction of the exit closest to the parking lot. (Friends can hold hands right?) Clarke leads Lexa to her small light blue sedan that looks as though it has seen better days. Lexa peers at the license plate and bursts out laughing.

 

“PNCLHOE?” she giggles and Clarke thinks it might be the cutest thing she’s ever heard.

 

Clarke flushes, smiling reluctantly as she opens the driver’s side door and steps in. “I’m a hoe for pencils, what can I say?” Lexa’s face breaks into a rare grin as she opens the passenger door. “ARTGRL1 was taken,” She adds quietly.

 

Lexa laughs again as she waits for Clarke to move the clutter residing in the passenger seat. Clarke silently berates herself for not cleaning her car earlier, but really, she hadn’t expected much better from herself. She hadn’t had time for breakfast any morning this week and it was only natural that her passenger seat cluttered with empty protein bar wrappers, a water bottle, several watercolor paintings from art club the day before and a pair of purple sunglasses (of which she was almost certain did not even belong to her).

 

“Sorry about the mess!” She says as she removes the last of the debris and Lexa sits down.

 

“It’s fine Clarke, I don’t mind.”

 

“I’m kind of always a mess.”

 

Lexa’s eyes swivel to meet Clarke’s. “I’m serious Clarke, it’s not a big deal,”

 

“So you’re not denying it then?” A small smile plays at her lips.

 

Lexa’s mouth parts in shock before catching on to the sarcasm. She rolls her eyes playfully. “If your dirtiness is something you take pride in, then no, of course not.”

 

“That sounds... sexual.” Clarke winks.

 

Lexa shoves her teasingly, her face starting to acquire a dangerously tomato-like color. “You’re a child.”

 

“Admit it. You like it.” Despite all the warning bells going off in her head telling her that this is a massively terrible idea, Clarke leans over the console until her face is dangerously close to Lexa’s.

 

Lexa inhales visibly, “Maybe I do.”

 

Clarke gulps, abruptly tearing her gaze away from Lexa’s and returning both hands to the steering wheel, gripping tightly.

 

“Weren’t we, um, going to go to Target?”

 

Lexa notices the shift in atmosphere as soon as Clarke turns away and now she’s picking at her finger nails, staring into her own lap. She nods, not looking up at Clarke.

 

_Fuck_

 

The drive to target is tense for the first few minutes but Clarke decides to throw all caution to the wind and starts blasting her favorite shitty pop tunes and singing along.

 

“Don’t tell your mother, kiss one another,” Clarke glances at Lexa out of the corner of her eye, “Die for each other, we’re cool for the summer!”

 

Demi Lovato begins to sing the chorus as they are stopped at a red light and Clarke dances in her seat, not releasing her grip of the steering wheel, but moving her shoulders, torso and head in time with the beat. Lexa is beginning to smile, albeit grudgingly.

 

“HAH I knew I could get you to smile!”

 

Lexa hides her face, “Stop I’m not smiling!”

 

The light turns green and Clarke can’t see her anymore but she knows she didn’t imagine it.

 

 

\--

 

 

Clarke drags Lexa to the food section of Target telling Lexa that she has a craving for sour patch kids.

 

“What are sour patch kids?”

 

Clarke’s jaw drops. “How have you never eaten sour patch kids?”

 

“I don’t know? I don’t really eat very many sweet things. And I hate the way sour stuff makes my tongue feel.”

 

“Oh my god you have to try them!” Clarke grabs three bags, shoving them in the cart and wheeling it around. “This is all I need from the grocery section.”

 

Clarke can tell that Lexa is holding back a laugh and feels slightly embarrassed. “Shut up, I do eat vegetables sometimes.”

 

“Of course you do Clarke.” Clarke gapes. Is Lexa is being sarcastic? She shakes her head in amazement. This girl never ceases to surprise her.

 

“Do you want to find your shirt now?”   


“Okay yeah.” Lexa replies. “Where do we go? I’ve never been in this Target before.”

 

Clarke points the cart in the direction of the clothing section. “We can go to the women’s section, the men’s, or the juniors; wherever you want!”

 

As Clarke pushes the cart down the aisle entering the men’s section, she notices Lexa eyeing a deep blue button up with white polka dots. Clarke briefly wonders why Lexa seems nervous to want something from this section, and before she can censor her brain, she blurts out: “Hey that’s super cute Lexa! You should try it on!”

 

Lexa’s eyes flick upwards rapidly; a slight color beginning to form on her cheeks. Clarke realizes that Lexa probably didn’t think Clarke noticed her looking at the shirt.

 

“I don’t usually like to wear stuff from the men’s section.” She responds quietly.   


“Oh sorry, I wasn’t like trying to insinuate that you did.” Clarke rewinds quickly. “I think it would look really good on you, that’s all.” she smiles, running a hand nervously through her blonde hair. Lexa shuffles awkwardly from foot to foot. “Really?”

 

“Yes.” Clarke nods sincerely, hoping to firmly convey that she’s not lying.

 

“Okay.” Lexa agrees hesitantly. “I’m just going to go look for some more stuff in here.” She gestures to the rest of the men’s section.

 

“Sounds good to me.” Clarke grins into her shoulder as Lexa turns around, heading over to the women’s section to look for some new thongs. After several minutes, she feels a tap on her shoulder. She turns to face Lexa, still holding a lacy pink G-string in her hand. Lexa’s eyes move frantically between her hand and her face.

 

“Calm down it’s just underwear.” Clarke is smiling smugly. Secretly she’s very pleased to get this reaction from her friend. (It’s fun to surprise your friends with lingerie right?)

 

“Um,” Lexa laughs nervously, “I’m going to go try this on, okay?” She holds up several colorful button downs, a loose black tank top and a purple bandeau.

 

“Oooh can I come with you?” Clarke wonders if this is too forward, but immediately shakes the thought. After all, she simply wants to give her friend fashion advice.

 

“Um,” Lexa bites her lip.

 

“I don’t have to! I can just wait outside.” Clarke amends quickly.

 

“No, you can come.” Lexa seems to resolve whatever her inner conflict had been. “Let’s go to the dressing room.”

They make their way to the dressing rooms, and the attendant doesn’t bat an eye when Clarke asks if she can come too even though she doesn’t have any clothes to try on.

 

Lexa picks a room and Clarke loiters outside, unsure whether or not she should proceed.

 

“I’m just gonna- try this on real fast.” Lexa stutters as she closes the door.

 

“Okay!” Clarke is mildly unsurprised that Lexa seems really shy about changing. She doesn’t really blame her. Just because Clarke has been known to make eye contact with people while showering naked in the locker room at school doesn’t mean that everyone has that sort of comfort or confidence with their body.

 

The door opens and Lexa is wearing the original button down Clarke had spotted Lexa eyeing. Clarke is momentarily at a loss for words. Clarke had only ever seen Lexa in tight jeans, form fitting tops, and admittedly, in gym clothes. And although she tended to always look stunning, Clarke has never been more attracted to her than in this moment. The deep blue color highlights the contrast of her pale skin and her bright green eyes. Her biceps, toned and defined, were clearly visible, peeking out of the short sleeves of the button up. Clarke has to stop herself from audibly gasping.

 

Lexa glances up shyly, noting Clarke’s apparent loss of speaking ability. “What do you think?”

 

“Lexa.” Clarke breathes, dragging her eyes up and down Lexa’s body once again. “You look amazing.”

 

Lexa giggles and a faint blush begins to spread on her cheeks. “Really?”

 

“Oh my god, yes.” Clarke gushes, stepping towards her. “I’ve never seen you in clothes like this before but, I gotta say Lex, dapper looks good on you.”

 

Lexa’s face blooms into an even deeper shade of crimson and she hunches her shoulders, clasping her hands together in front and looking down. “Thank you.”

 

Clarke can tell she is smiling, but wonders if she had overstepped a line by abbreviating her name. “Are you going to get it?”

 

Lex hesitates. “I think I’m going to try on this other shirt and then I’ll decide.”

 

“Okay!” Clarke responds, flicking her eyes up towards the gorgeous girl in front of her, fervently hoping she buys that shirt and never stops wearing it. “Listen, whatever you decide to get, it’s on me. My mom gave me her credit card.” Her face shifts into an evil grin.

 

“Oh, no, I couldn’t let you pay.”

 

“Yes you can!” Clarke insists. “Believe me, it’s no big deal. Besides, you’re the new girl in town. It would be impolite for me not to welcome you this way, right?”

 

Lexa licks her lips, glancing to Clarke’s left side. “I’ll consider it.”

 

“That’s all I ask.” Clarke smiles.

 

“Ok I’m going to try this one on. Do you want to come in with me? I feel awkward leaving you outside by yourself.”  


“Are you sure?” Clarke’s heart pounds with anticipation and she tries to convince herself she’s just excited because of how happy she will be for Lexa if Lexa finds something that suits her.

 

“Yeah come in.” Lexa steps to the side to allow Clarke to enter.

 

Clarke sits awkwardly on the bench in the small changing room.

 

“I’ve never really worn anything from the men’s section before.” Lexa begins to unbutton the shirt and Clarke tries to calm her racing pulse as more and more skin near the top of Lexa’s collar bones is revealed.

 

“I’m really surprised that you like it so much though. Honestly I thought it would make me feel really uncomfortable, but I actually like it.” Clarke is so distracted by the valley between Lexa’s breasts which are encased in her simple black bra as she eases the shirt off of her shoulders that she doesn’t notice the way Lexa’s words falter slightly, seemingly censoring what she had been about to say.

 

Clarke rips her gaze away from Lexa’s cleavage and tries to focus on the ‘no-shoplifting’ sign on the wall. “I like it a lot too.”

 

Lexa quirks her head at Clarke. “You’re not just saying that to be nice, are you?”

 

“I swear to god Lexa I’m not! It honestly works so well for you!” Clarke allows herself to meet Lexa’s gaze again.

 

The corners of her lips turn up in a smile. “Okay.”

 

She reaches for the bandeau, holding it up at eye level and frowning slightly. “Do you wear this with or without a bra under?”

 

Clarke feels blood starting to rush between her legs at the thought of either of those scenarios and has to cough into her shoulder to stifle her less-than-innocent thoughts.

 

Alright, she concedes to herself. Maybe now she can admit that she might, _might_ , have a tiny bit of a thing for Lexa. It’s purely physical of course. But it makes total sense! The girl is gorgeous, mysterious, and muscular and Clarke Griffin has a thing for the strong, silent type. But it’s purely aesthetic, nothing more. Clarke cannot let her feelings get in the way of her new friendship with Lexa. And besides, she can _not_ do relationships. _Ever._

 

Lexa clears her throat. “Claaaarke.”

 

Clarke’s eyes quickly meet Lexa’s own again. “Oh sorry I was zoning out.” _That’s_ an understatement. Lexa regards her expectantly.

 

“Right, so with bandeaus it kind of depends on the kind of shirt you’re wearing. Like you usually don’t want to wear a bra under it if the shirt has spaghetti straps, or really if you can see your shoulders at all. Some people wear strapless bras, and some people wear no bras. But for people like me,” she gestures to her chest and notices Lexa’s eyes dart down rapidly. “Just wearing the bandeau by itself doesn’t really give me enough support if you know what I mean.” She laughs, and Lexa giggles softly in return. “You might be able to get away with it though. What size are you?”

 

Lexa balks a little and swallows shallowly. “Um…”

 

“You don’t have to answer, sorry!” Clarke puts one hand the air, feeling stupid for even asking. Knowing how shy Lexa is, it’s a wonder she’s even standing in the presence of Clarke’s wearing just her bra; her toned abs on display, and if her eyes slide lower, a hint of the waistband of what appear to be boxer briefs peeking out of tight black skinny jeans-

 

Clarke mentally berates herself. She has _got_ to stop sexualizing someone who she’s trying to become friends with.

 

“I’m a 34A.” Lexa blurts out.

 

Clarke laughs and Lexa’s face falls, her hands swiftly moving to cover her chest.

 

Clarke immediately realizes what she’s done. “No no Lexa!” She stands, reaching to grab the other girl’s arms but Lexa twists away. “I laughed because I was surprised that you would even tell me! I didn’t think you were going to.” She admits quietly. “There’s nothing wrong with having small boobs. Just like there’s nothing wrong with having big boobs, or medium boobs, or lopsided boobs, or no boobs even.” She sighs desperately, trying to convey through her sincere gaze that she meant no offense. And that she really really likes Lexa’s boobs. (except maybe she shouldn’t be quite so honest about that).

 

Lexa’s arms lower slowly. “Oh.” She reaches for the bandeau. “Sorry, I overreacted.”

Clarke’s body relaxes in relief. _Lexa doesn’t hate her._ “Don’t worry about it! I get why you could have interpreted that badly. I usually don’t think before I like, do anything.”

 

Lexa gives her a small smile, which she returns.

 

“I’m going to put this bandeau on over the bra and see what it looks like okay? Don’t look.” Lexa turns her back to Clarke, who is having supreme difficulty following the instructions in the latter part of Lexa’s sentence.

 

_Don’t look don’t look don’t look_

“You can open your eyes now, weirdo.”

 

Clarke does.

 

“How does this one compare?”

 

Clarke is not nearly as enamored as she was with the first outfit, but she cannot deny that Lexa still looks amazing. “I love it.”

 

Lexa shoots her a disbelieving look. “You said that last time.”  


“Yeah but I think you still look good now?” Clarke tilts her head, confused at how something as mundane as clothing could make Lexa think she was any less beautiful.

 

Lexa eyes herself in the mirror, turning to different angles. “You can still see my bra strap though.”

 

Clarke realizes this is true; she had been too busy looking at other places to notice.

 

“Yeah, but it’s not super visible. You could definitely get away with it. Or you could get a strapless one. Or go braless.” She winks.

 

Lexa rolls her eyes. “I don’t think I need two new shirts today; I’ll just get the other one.” She begins to strip off the loose black tank.

 

Clarke is ecstatic: for one, she helped a friend replace a shirt that she herself damaged. For another, the prospect of seeing Lexa in that button up again gets her heart racing.

 

“Yay! I’m really glad you found something you liked.”

 

Lexa smiles, pulling her original shirt over her head. “Me too. Thanks for taking me, Clarke.”

 

“Anytime.” And when she says it, she realizes that she means it one hundred percent.

 --

 

 

Clarke opens unlocks the door to her house, dropping to her knees to greet the small barks and licks from her pug, Sam.

 

“Hey little buddy.” She grins, scratching his ears. She swears he’s smiling back at her, his tail wagging frantically as he leans into her touch. She rubs his sides and he rolls over onto his back expectantly, tongue flopping out. “You like belly rubs don’t you, little dork.” She’s petting his tummy when her dad steps into the foyer.

 

“Hey Clarke.”

 

“Hi dad.” She looks up from petting Sam.

 

“How was your shopping trip?” He asks, joining her on the floor to pet Sam, who starts making snorting noises and Clarke is worried he is about to pass out from excitement about getting this much attention.

 

“It was really fun!” Clarke’s eyes light up. “Me and Lexa went to Target and we got her a bunch of new shirts! And I got these,” She reaches into her bag, pulling out a v neck sweater and two pairs of lace underwear.

 

Jake coughs and Clarke looks up in alarm. “Sorry!” He grins dopily. “My little girl is growing up.” He ruffles her hair affectionately. She flushes and continues stroking Sam, who is now licking her forearm enthusiastically.

 

“I was already grown up dad.”

 

“I know” He gazes at her imperviously. “You should invite her over sometime! I’ll make dinner.”

 

“I don’t know…” Clarke trails off. “She’s really shy, she might get overwhelmed. Also we’re barely even friends.”

 

“If you can buy undies with her, you’re friends.” Jake scoffs.

 

Clarke rolls her eyes “Whatever dad. Obviously you don’t understand the mechanics of teenage girl friendships.”

 

“Obviously not.” He laughs.

 

“I’m gonna go do my homework now ok?” She stands, grabbing her backpack.

 

“Alright. Your mom will be home in a little bit. We’re having stir fry for dinner.”   


“K.”

 

As Clarke climbs the stairs, she hears her dad talking in nonsense language to Sam, rubbing his ears. She smiles affectionately. Her dad sometimes acts tough and like he’s incapable of the full human spectrum of emotion but she knows inside he’s a huge softie. He works from home as the co-manager of an online engineering firm, so he’s always been her primary caregiver, since her mom tends to work long hours at the hospital as an ER surgeon. She contemplates asking him for advice about the Wells situation, but decides against it. She kind of wants to avoid having an emotionally draining conversation tonight. She’s got a lot of homework to do, unfortunately. She settles at her desk in her room, gazing at the colorful swirls and shapes that she had painted on the wall. Her economics problem set can wait.

 

She takes out a pencil and her sketchpad. Before she knows what she’s doing, she’s outlining familiar angular cheekbones, full lips, wild curly brown hair and abnormally small (but quite adorable) ears. She giggles. She hadn’t realized how small Lexa’s ears were until she drew them in proportion to the rest of her face. She spends much more time on Lexa’s eyes than on the rest of her face, trying to capture their beautiful but haunted quality. She has always thought eyes were windows to the soul. She barely registers her mother’s knock on her door, summoning her to dinner.

 

Abby pokes her head in. “What are you drawing?”

 

Clarke swiftly covers her sketchbook. “Nothing.”

 

Abby laughs, quirking an eyebrow. “Whoever that is, she’s beautiful Clarke.”

 

Clarke blushes, hiding her face. “I’ll be down in a second.”

 

 

\--

 

 

After dinner, Clarke actually manages to finish the homework that is absolutely required for the next day. She is trying to decide between continuing her drawing of Lexa and masturbating when her phone buzzes.

 

 **lexa (10:23 pm):** Hey, I just wanted to say thank you for today. It was really fun, and my sibling Anya really likes the clothes we picked out.

 

Clarke grins, grabbing her phone to respond.

 

 **Clarke Griffin (10:24 pm):** ur welcome!!! i had a lot of fun too :)

 

 **Clarke Griffin (10:24pm):** omg i just remembered that i never gave u sour patch kids! u haaaave to try them soon ok they r so good omg

 

 **Lexa (10:26 pm):** Haha okay I will try them next time I am with you.

 

 **Clarke Griffin (10:27 pm):** do u want to go to the football game with me and some friends this friday

 

 **Clarke Griffin (10:33 pm):**????

 

 **lexa (10:40 pm):** Sorry I was in the shower.

 

 **lexa (10:40 pm):** But yes I would like that I think. What time?

 

 **Clarke Griffin (10:41 pm):** well the game is at 7:30 but we usually pregame at like 6 at raven’s house c her parents are never home

 

 **lexa (10:43 pm):** What is pre gaming?

 

 **Clarke Griffin (10:45 pm):** haha its when u get a little tipsy b4 u go to something. and obvs we’re gonna bring more alcohol 2 the game. do u have a flask?

 

 **Clarke Griffin (10:45 pm):** its ok if u don’t i have a few i could lend u one

 

 **lexa (10:47 pm):** I don’t have one because I’ve never had alcohol before.

 

 **Clarke Griffin (10:50 pm):** omg rly???? ok u don’t have 2 come if ur not comfortable. but i have a lot of vodka that is begging 2 get drank.

 

 **Clarke Griffin (10:50 pm):** drunk

 

 **Clarke Griffin (10:50 pm):** drunken?

 

 **Clarke Griffin (10:51 pm):** idk

 

 **lexa (10:53 pm):** Haha I don’t know either. Well I admit that I am curious. I’m going to ask Anya what xe thinks.

 

 **Clarke Griffin (10:54 pm):** k

 

 **lexa (11:12 pm):** Sorry xe was telling me about xyr day. Anyway xe thinks that I should go but xe wants me to be careful. How many people are in the group?

 

 **Clarke Griffin (11:12 pm):** theres gonna be 3 ppl, me, raven and monty. 4 if u come

 

 **lexa (11:14 pm):** K that sounds good, I’ll come.

 

 **Clarke Griffin (11:15 pm):**  yesssss ok i’ll tell the crew

 

 **Lexa (11:16 pm** ): Cool. I’m going to sleep now. Goodnight Clarke :)

 

 **Clarke Griffin (11:17 pm):** night lex!!!! sleep well

 

Clarke fist pumps as she throws her phone to the side, throwing back on her queen size bed, gazing at the ceiling. She only has to wait 3 more days until she can hang out with Lexa again. She tells herself rationally that spending more time with Lexa and possibly becoming friends with her is a terrible idea, but she honestly could not care less. Something about this girl is magnetic. Clarke couldn’t say no if she tried.

 

She still can’t ignore the nagging voice at the back of her mind; _you’re just going to ruin her life like you ruined Finn’s._ She shifts uncomfortably, trying to silence her racing mind.

She falls asleep like this, feet hanging off the bed, clothes and lamp still on, the image of Lexa laughing permeating her dreams.

 


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lexa joins debate, gets drunk for the first time and learns a lot more about Clarke Griffin than she had originally planned.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for the delayed chapter!! these past two weeks have been kind of shitty, and i’ve been a little unmotivated to do anything. also, disclaimer, i never actually did debate in high school, but a lot of my friends were in it, and one of my teachers was also the head coach so i know a fair amount about it. i also don’t pretend to know a lot about football haha even though as a marching band alumni i did have to sit through quite a few games. Anyway i hope you enjoy this chapter!! 
> 
> PS idk how it became so long lol i just got going and I couldn’t stop
> 
> TW: needles, slurs, transphobia (mainly internalized), underage drinking, death

 

 

Lexa groans, turning over in her exceptionally comfortable bed to slam the alarm on her night stand that is blaring for her to wake up.

 

7:15 am

 

She realizes with a jolt that today is Friday, the day of the football game. The day she’ll get to hang out with Clarke again. She convinces herself that this simple fact is not what motivates her to stretch her arms, plop her feet on the ground and stand up. She heads to the restroom quickly, washing her hands and pulling out her needle kit. For the past four years, she’s injected herself with estrogen every Friday, and today is no exception. Even after all this time, she still has to force herself to shove the needle into her body, because although she loves that hormones have helped her become more authentically herself, it’s still a struggle to consciously inflict pain on herself weekly. She lets out a long breath as the needle penetrates her skin, pushing the medicine into her body slowly.

 

“Lexa!”

 

Gustus is calling her from downstairs, making sure she’s awake.

 

“I’m awake.” Lexa yells back grumpily, removing the needle and putting a Band-Aid on the wound. Why he had to make sure she was awake at that exact moment is beyond her.

She dresses carefully. She wants to be comfortable for today, because she has a sneaking feeling that it could be a long day. Also, she doesn’t feel like tucking because she’s lazy and its Friday. So she selects some tight boxer briefs, a knee length pleated gray skirt and a tight black v-neck. The skirt undoubtedly hides her crotch and besides, she sincerely doubts that anyone is actually looking. She’s still paranoid however, and already knows she’ll probably spend the whole day with her hands clasped in front of her body just in case. Her dad calls her again.

 

“Lexa you have to eat breakfast now or you’re going to be late!”

 

“Coming,” She calls, grabbing her phone and her backpack and heading down the stairs.

 

She wastes no time in starting to eat the eggs and toast that Gustus had prepared for her.

 

“Anya’s going to take you to school today, alright?” Gustus tells her as he flips over another egg, presumably for himself.

 

“I didn’t know xe ever got up this early.” Lexa smirks quietly.

 

“Shut up.” Anya grumbles groggily as xe enters the kitchen, turning on the kettle to boil some water to make xemself tea.

 

“My point exactly.” Lexa shovels more eggs into her mouth as Anya shoots her a death glare.

 

“We’re leaving in 10 minutes!” Lexa reminds xem. “You better be ready because I’m blaming you if I’m late.”

 

Anya merely nods as Lexa finishes her breakfast and sprints upstairs. She outlines her eyes quickly with eyeliner and mascara and brushes her teeth. She thinks about brushing her hair but then decides against it because she doesn’t have time to tame the frizzy mess that it will become so she simply puts it in a messy bun.

 

On her way out she kisses her dad on the cheek, “Bye dad,” she calls as she steps into the garage.

 

“Bye! I love you!”

 

“Love you too.”

 

“Have a great day today.” He adds.

 

“I will.” And when Lexa says it, this time she almost believes it.

 

Anya is waiting in the car, cup of tea to xyr lips. Xe waggles xyr eyebrows. “It’s about time, miss ‘we’re leaving in 10 minutes.’”

 

Lexa scowls and plops into the passenger’s seat, scooting down until her eyes are level with the glove compartment. “Just drive already.”

 

Smiling at her sideways, Anya backs the car out of the driveway. “God I’m so excited to go back to school so I don’t have to drive you around at the buttcrack of dawn.”

 

“Wow, I’ll miss you too…” Although sarcasm drips from her words, Lexa knows that she really will miss her sibling when xe leaves again.

 

“When do you head back?” She asks.

 

“Sunday.” Anya responds, checking both ways before turning onto a busy road. “And even though I’m being a shit right now, I will probably actually miss you.” Xe turns xyr head towards Lexa, smiling fondly.

 

“I know.” Lexa looks out the window, embarrassed. She still never feels quite comfortable expressing emotions.

 

Xe changes the radio to something indie acoustic and Lexa relaxes in the comfortable silence.

 

“Are you going to the football game tonight?” Xe asks after a minute.

 

“Yeah.” Lexa allows a small smile to form on her lips. “I’m kind of nervous honestly.”

 

Anya glances over at her, poised to make fun of her but when xe sees Lexa’s expression, xyr face softens. “It’s okay to be nervous.” Xe’s hand leaves the steering wheel to scratch the back of xyr neck absentmindedly. “I was so nervous to go to my first party in college! I had no idea what I was getting into.” Xe pauses. “I doubt this is going to be the same at all because it’s such a small group of people, but still. I get why you’d be nervous. And of course, I’m sure the alcohol isn’t the only reason that you are.” Xe winks knowingly.

 

Lexa’s face burns and she crosses her arms huffily. “Shut up! You don’t know anything.”

 

Irritatingly, Anya just continues to gaze at her smugly.

 

Lexa rolls her eyes, exasperated. She doesn’t even like Clarke like that. She just wants to fit in.

 

Several moments later, another anxious thought occurs to her and Lexa turns to face towards Anya apprehensively. “Do I have to drink? Will they think I’m not cool if I don’t?”

 

Anya shakes xyr head. “No, of course not! If these friends are pressuring you to do things you’re not comfortable with, then you shouldn’t call them your friends. But from what I’ve heard about this group from you, it really does seem like a safe environment to try some if you did feel so inclined.”

 

“Okay.”

 

“Just be responsible! Eat beforehand if you do decide to drink, take breaks, don’t drink too much, alright?”

 

“Okay.” Lexa hopes the shake in her voice don’t give away her nerves.

 

“Also, always know you can call me if you want to leave.” Anya adds. “I might be at a different party tonight but even if I’m intoxicated I’ll be able to find someone to help you get home in one piece.” Xe pulls into the parking lot of the school. “I just want you to feel safe, alright?” Xe looks at Lexa earnestly.

 

“I know! I know.” Lexa repeats, face flushing slightly. “Thanks.” _For everything_ , she doesn’t add. Anya smiles as she steps out of the car. “You’re gonna be fine.”

 

“Bye Anya.” Lexa steps out of the car, slamming the door. _I love you._ The words remain unspoken but Lexa knows xe can feel them anyway. The only person Lexa has ever been able to say ‘I love you’ to has been Gustus, and even then, he always has to initiate it. She knows its irrational, but she cannot help but be terrified by that kind of vulnerability. Even with her sibling whom she’s known since she was 11 years old. Even with her adoptive father.

 

As she walks up the handicap accessible ramp to the front doors of the school along with several other people who are also very close to being late and look about as disheveled as she feels, she notices a sign in the doorway.

 

**Ark High Debate Team**

Initial meeting:

First Friday of October, 3:30 pm

Prof. Roan’s room; 307

 

Lexa’s eyes widen and she stops in her tracks, causing several of the nearly tardy students behind her to protest exasperatedly as they’re forced to navigate around her. Lexa barely even registers; her mind lost in thought. She had considered doing debate at her new school before her family moved, but she had been intimidated by the fact that Ark high almost _always_ won state championships, and Polis high had lost every single year to them. She had been on Polis’s debate team since freshman year, and although she didn’t consider herself particularly exceptional, it had been one of the only activities she’d done purely of her own free will, because she had enjoyed it. She decides right then that she at least has to go to the informational meeting. Even if she’s not as good as the other debaters, it’s a chance to meet new friends and a chance to continue an activity that knows she enjoys.

 

 _Wait. Shit._ As she’s walking to her first period class, she realizes that this meeting could interfere with her plans with Clarke since she doesn’t know how long it will take. She decides to ask Clarke about it in Art.

 

Surprisingly, Clarke is already seated in her normal seat when Lexa rushes into the classroom approximately 30 seconds before the bell rings, slightly out of breath.

 

“Hey.” She plops down in her seat, leaning on her elbows and turning her head towards Clarke.

 

“Hey yourself.” Clarke smiles but doesn’t look up from whatever she’s drawing. Lexa strains to see but Clarke has managed to conceal most of the paper behind her left hand and forearm so Lexa can only make out the barest outline of a shape she can’t quite name.

 

“So I was thinking,”

 

Clarke must notice her hesitant tone and finally meets Lexa’s gaze. “Yeah?”

 

“I want to go to the debate meeting tonight afterschool.” She takes a deep breath. “I’m not trying to ditch you I swear, I really really want to come with to the football game it’s just I also really like debate and I want to try it here at Ark. I did it at my old school and,” She pauses, “Well, we kind of sucked. It would be pretty cool to be on the team that wins state every year.” She swallows, continuing to ramble. “But I won’t if it conflicts with the plans we made already! I wouldn’t want to miss-” ( _hanging out with you)_ she doesn’t say. _“-_ the game.” She finishes, slightly unconvincingly.

 

“Woah, Lexa.” Clarke places her hands on Lexa’s elbows and she starts a bit; surprised and also immediately comforted by the warmth. “Don’t worry about it! You should do what makes you happy. We can always hang out another time.” She frowns. “But you don’t seriously think that the meeting is going to last longer than three hours, do you?”

 

Lexa swallows uncertainly. “I don’t know, honestly. I have no idea what to expect.”

 

Clarke nods slowly. “Well Octavia’s brother Bellamy is on the team, so I can ask him how long the first meeting usually goes.”

 

Lexa relaxes, “Okay.”

 

“Here I’ll text him right now.” Clarke reaches down to grab her phone. “Also like, you can just come when it’s over, it’s not like the meeting is going to take all night. It’s totally fine if you’re a little late. I mean, you know me, the queen of tardy.”  


Lexa laughs. “Yeah you totally are! How come you beat me here today?”

 

Clarke is momentarily distracted by her phone.

 

 **New Text (8:31am):** hey bellamy how long r debate meetings

 

She shoves her phone onto Lexa’s desk. “There,” She says. “We’ll know soon enough.” She leans back in her seat, just as Jaha calls the class to attention.

 

“Alright crew. Let’s continue with watercolor landscapes. If you need inspiration, I have a bunch of national geographic magazines up here.” He gestures to his desk. “I’ll be around to make sure you all are being productive.” He glares at Monty, who shrinks in their seat. Last class, they’d been caught drawing the back of Lincoln’s head instead of working on the watercolor that Jaha had assigned. “Get to work!”

 

The class shuffles sleepily; students who hadn’t already done so moving to get art supplies at the front of the classroom.

 

Clarke is about to return her attention to the drawing on her desk when she suddenly jerks her head quickly to peer at Lexa again. “Wait you were asking me something weren’t you? Sorry.” She grins sheepishly. “I’m always distracted by my phone. At least according to my mother.”

 

Lexa smiles back. “My dad hates my phone too.” She rolls her eyes. “Baby boomer nonsense. Anyway, I was just asking what brought you to school so early today?” She asks. “What happened to the usual, ‘I walk in 5 minutes past the bell and everyone stares at me?’” Lexa makes air quotes, smirking.

 

Clarke groans. “Okay listen. There’s a reason. I’d never get here an hour early of my own free will.”

 

Lexa giggles again.

 

Clarke continues. “My fucking mom made me drive her to work at 6 am today because her car is in the repair shop.” She sighs wearily, twisting a pencil in her hands. “I considered going back home but it’s like a 20-minute drive and I wouldn’t have had time to take a nap anyway. So I just got a coffee and came here. I’ve been drawing for like an hour already.”

 

“Wow, so productive.”

 

“Shut up.” Clarke shoves Lexa sideways, smiling.

 

“No, I’m serious!” Lexa’s laughing but trying to convey her sincerity through her eyes. “That’s more than I’ve done this morning.”

 

“I’m glad to hear I’m living up to your ridiculous capitalist standard of productivity equating self-worth.”

 

“Oh my god.” Lexa groans. “That’s not what I meant and you know it.”

 

“K.” Clarke raises her eyebrows playfully and returns to her drawing.

 

Clarkes phone dings and they both glance at the screen, which has lit up.

 

 **Bellboy (8:35 am):** they r usually 2 hours. This one will probably be a little longer because it’s the first one tho. Why, r u thinking of joining?

 

Clarke scoffs. “Yeah right. I’d be about as good at debate as I am at remembering to take showers.”

 

Lexa stifles a laugh with a cough and Clarke narrows her eyes. “I’m serious you know. Personal hygiene is not my strong suit.”

 

Lexa merely gives her a tiny smiles and ducks her head into her arm. _How do you smell so good then?_ She almost asks, but restrains herself.

 

“Well, now you have your answer!” Clarke breaks the silence. “You’ll definitely be able to make it to Raven’s house, but you might be a tiny bit later than us. That’s okay! You’ll just have to catch up when you get there.”

 

“Catch up?” Lexa’s eyes open wide, regarding Clarke with apprehension.

 

Clarke laughs. “Don’t worry, all that means is we’ll be a little tipsier than you when you arrive, so if you want to be the same level of drunk as us, you just drink a lot really fast and that will catch you up.”

 

Lexa thinks this sounds exactly like what Anya told her not to do, but she nods anyway. “Sounds like a plan.”

 

Clarke smiles and returns to her drawing.

 

Lexa takes that as a signal that the conversation is over and decides to go get a magazine so she can find some inspiration for her painting. She’s pretty bad at water color; even worse than she is at pencil drawing, so she decides on a very simple landscape of a swampy river with the sun setting in the background.

 

About half way through the class period she looks up to find Clarke staring at her. Or, more accurately, Clarke is staring at her half-finished watercolor painting. Lexa shifts in her seat, embarrassed. “What? I know it’s bad already. You don’t have to rub it in.” She pouts, gazing forlornly at the shapeless grey blob surrounded by little green dots that was supposed to be a river with cattails.

 

Clarke stifles a laugh and Lexa’s heart deflates. _She knows she sucks but she didn’t think Clarke would make fun of her._

“Oh my god Lexa I’m not laughing at you!” Clarke yelps, catching the attention of several students around them. “I’m sorry you keep thinking I’m making fun of you.” She leans over her desk until her eyes are level with Lexa. Lexa’s eyes dart quickly down to Clarke’s cleavage which is being squished by the desk, straining to break free from her grey scoop neck shirt, and then back up to her eyes again.

 

“I’m sorry I’m sensitive.” Lexa inhales.

 

“There’s nothing wrong with being sensitive.” Clarke responds earnestly. “But I don’t think you were, I’m just an inconsiderate shit for laughing at inappropriate times.”

 

Lexa lets out a small laugh. “That is true.”

 

Clarke grins guiltily. “I’m sorry! I just wanted to see what you were painting.”

 

“ _Attempting_ to paint.” Lexa corrects her.

 

“Whatever you say Lexa.” She shakes her head, smiling softly. “I think it’s a good start.”

 

Lexa snorts. “I was just about to start over.”

 

Clarke rolls her eyes. “Perfectionism is not going to get you very far in art.”

 

“I know. Which is why I’m not an artist.” Lexa laughs.

 

“Fair enough.” Clarke returns her attention to her drawing, which Lexa can now see. It appears to be the lower half of a naked backside of a person with a curvy, pale behind. Clarke lunges to cover it again.

 

“You can’t tell Jaha that this is what I was drawing.” She hisses to Lexa, who quickly withdraws her gaze back to her own paper.

 

“Of course I won’t!”

 

Clarke breathes a sigh of relief. “I… specialize in the human form,” She pauses, “like I really like drawing naked people. I actually took a picture of my own butt in order to draw it because none of my friends volunteered when I asked for theirs.” She laughs and Lexa joins in. She wonders how Clarke can be so fearless and unapologetic about her body. She wishes she could feel that way too.

 

But the nagging voice in the back of her head continues its unceasing whisper.

 

_Clarke would never draw you naked. Freak._

\--

 

 

Lexa is about to fall asleep in history class when she realizes that she knows nothing about the dress code for tonight’s football game. She decides that this is enough of an emergency to risk taking her phone out under the distracted eye of Professor Titus.

 

 **lexa (10:59 am):** What sort of clothing is appropriate for a football game? I’ve never been to one so I have no idea what to expect, can you give me some suggestions?

 

 **Clarke Griffin (11:00 am):** ummmm idk? theres not a dress code if that’s what ur wondering lol. but it might get a little chilly so i would recommend some long pants and a sweat shirt or something u can wear over a t-shirt. but u don’t have 2 get all dressed up or anything! i can send u a pic of what im wearing when i get home if u want.

 

 **lexa (11:03 am):** That would be great actually!

 

Lexa sighs in relief. She doesn’t know why she gets so anxious about clothing; it probably has to do with the fact that she spent too long wearing clothes she hated and being uncomfortable and now she has to make up for all that lost time. She’s already mentally going through her closet to decide what she’s going to wear when her phone silently lights up again.

 

 **Clarke Griffin (11:05 am):** attachment: 1 image

 

 **Clarke Griffin (11:05 am):**  this is me at last year’s game with wells

 

Lexa gasps audibly enough that the person sitting next to her turns their head disapprovingly. Clarke always looks good, but this look can only be described as breathtaking. Clarke has her arm around Wells’ waist and is smiling at the camera, blonde hair down in messy waves and blue eyes shining bright in the fall evening sunset. She’s wearing a tight fitting pink crop top that seems to accentuate her already ample breasts, leaving a small line of pale skin between her shirt and the black pencil skirt that hugs her full hips, the fabric only reaching to her upper thigh.

 

 **Clarke Griffin (11:05 am):**  but lol don’t be like me and wear a short skirt bc i was cold af that entire game haha

 

Lexa would be cold for the rest of her life if it she could see Clarke in that outfit.

 

Well _fuck._ Now she has to wear something really cute tonight. To give a good impression to the other kids, of course. The impression that she knows what she’s doing (even if she doesn’t). _Not to catch anyone’s eye_ , she tells herself.

 

No, Lexa Woods _cannot_ have a crush on Clarke Griffin.

 

\--

 

 

During gym that day, Lexa kicks Murphy’s ass in singles tennis and tries to convince herself that she keeps looking over at Clarke after she scores because she wants to take note of Clarke’s technique so she can beat her next time.

 

 

\--

 

 

“I imagine all of you are here because you want to feel intellectually superior to other students.” Coach Roan, as he had introduced himself earlier at the beginning of the meeting, paces the front of the packed classroom. There are a few nervous chuckles and Lexa notices a few of her fellow prospective debaters glancing around apprehensively. She also notices the smug looks between the front row of people who appear to be the seasoned returners.

 

“You all think I’m joking, but I know that is what happens to many of you if you get good at this activity.” The smug looks vanish from the people in the front row.

 

“To me, debate is like a battle where the weapons are words and logic. Like any skill, it takes time to hone and perfect. That is why we will be practicing every day after school for the next few months. This is just the preliminary meeting, but the season doesn’t start until after Halloween and continues to the end of the year. If any of you are not ready to make that commitment, you may as well leave now. The only thing I hate more than cheaters are people who half-ass things.” His eyes blaze over the classroom of high schoolers, some of whom look ready to wet their pants. “You’re all in or you’re not.” No one makes a move to exit.

 

“Alright, well that being said, anyone who wants to debate can be on the team. We have a no cut policy. The purpose of today is merely to determine who will be in each of the categories; novice, junior varsity or varsity.” He glances across the room seeming to try to count the faces. “I’m going to split you into groups of two and you are going to have 15 minutes to come up with a solid case for this resolution:” He turns to the board, raising the white chalk to write:

 

_Should the words ‘Under God’ be in the Pledge of Allegiance?_

“I know many of you have no experience at this, and 15 minutes is hardly enough to do adequate research. This is just a practice round.” He proceeds to systematically number off the rows of eager and nervous students.

 

“This half of the room,” He gestures to his left, “Will be tackling the negative case, that is, that the words ‘under god’ should **not** be in the Pledge of Allegiance. The other side,” He shifts his gaze to his right, “Will be the affirmative side, that ‘under god’ **should** be in the Pledge. This debate is basically a doubles version of Lincoln-Douglas, which is the classic one person versus one other person debate. You have 15 minutes.” He claps his hands and the entire classroom erupts into loud chatter.

 

Lexa turns to the girl she’s been paired with. “Hey, I’m Lexa, what’s your name?”

 

“Emori.” She answers. “She/her.”

 

“Oh I also use she/her.” Lexa adds quickly. She still isn’t used to this introduction protocol.

 

Emori smiles, looking at Lexa curiously. “Are you new here? I don’t think I’ve ever seen you around.”

 

“Yeah, I’m new.” Lexa answers, more heavily than she’d intended. “I just started last week actually.”

 

“Oh okay. Cool. Well look I’d love to find out more about you but we’ve got a time limit, let’s get started on this.”

 

Lexa nods swiftly and they get to work. She finds out that Emori has a bit of experience as well, and together they manage to come up with three points (Lexa remembers that they are called contentions) as to why the words ‘under god’ should be in the pledge of allegiance (even though she personally does not share that opinion). Still, Lexa feels somewhat prepared by the time their turn rolls around to compete against another team. So far none of the cases have been extremely compelling and there has been quite a bit of nervous stuttering.

 

Lexa and Emori are paired against two people named Bellamy and Ontari. Emori groans silently and whispers to Lexa, “They’ve been on the team for 3 years and they’re both seniors.” Lexa can tell by the ease in which they interact with each other that they have worked together before and Lexa tries not to let herself be intimidated.

 

Roan’s voice pierces the din once more. “I’ll remind you all again of the rules. Each team is given 2 minutes to present their opening case, 1 minute for cross examination and 2 minutes for rebuttal. Let me repeat, you can only ask and answer questions during cross examination; you may not make statements. This is not a full debate, obviously, so each group of four people only gets 5 minutes. The time limits will be strictly enforced.”

 

He turns to read off of the the list of names on the board. “Lexa and Emori versus Bellamy and Ontari, you’re up next.”

 

Lexa tries to calm her beating heart, reminding herself that this is only practice, trying to reassure herself that it doesn’t matter (even though she knows it does).

 

 

\--

 

 

Lexa doesn’t really remember how it happened because it all went by incredibly quickly due to her brain being foggy from adrenaline, but the next thing she knows, it’s over and she’s being congratulated by several strangers. Apparently she and Emori had managed to put up enough of a fight against Bellamy and Ontari that Coach Roan had decided to place them on the varsity team.

 

Roan pulls her and Emori aside while the last of the other prospective debaters are still trickling out of the classroom. “Honestly, I haven’t seen anything like that in several years.” He confides. “It was pure luck that you and Emori ended up as partners but I can’t believe how well you did.” Lexa blushes, refusing to make eye contact, while Emori keeps hers steadfast. “Bellamy and Ontari have both been state champions in the Lincoln-Douglas category and they’re one of our best doubles teams.” He glances around, seeming to check that no one else is within earshot. “Honestly, what you did today was very impressive, very impressive indeed.” He winks at them, clapping them both on the back roughly. “Nice work.” Lexa lets out a puff of air, turning to Emori as Roan walks away.

 

“Well,” she quirks an eyebrow. “I guess that went well.” Emori just laughs.

 

“I’ll see you next time?” She meets Lexa’s gaze hopefully.

 

“Yes, definitely.” Lexa can barely contain her excitement. Emori nods and exits the classroom, leaving Lexa alone to contemplate her success. Honestly, she’s floored that she created such a good impression on the first day. She has always had a hard time believing she was talented at anything, and even when Roan said it out loud she still didn’t know if she could believe it. Emori had been her partner after all, and probably had been a huge part of the reason they had done so well.

 

_Stop._

If someone said she was talented, she really should try believe them.

 

 

\--

 

 

It’s 5:45 pm and Lexa has just arrived at home. She had been picked up by Gustus who, admittedly, arrived a little tardy to the school after Lexa had called him to come get her. She’s still basking in the glow of her victory but she knows that will soon be tainted by her nervousness about attending the football game. _With Clarke._ She shakes her head. That’s not why she’s nervous. It’s just because she’s a shy introvert who doesn’t like spending lots of time with groups of people, she reassures herself.

 

She decides to pair one of the button down shirts that she’d gotten with Clarke at target; white with light blue anchors, with her black skinny jeans. She quickly tucks her dick, puts on her gaff and doesn’t even dread it because she knows how great she will look and disregards that she’s bound to get uncomfortable once the end of the night rolls around. She takes Clarke’s advice and grabs her leather jacket in case it gets chilly.

 

“Dad!”

 

“What, Lexa?”

 

“I’m ready to go to Raven’s!”

 

“Hang on, you haven’t eaten dinner!” He eyes her with distress.

 

Lexa rolls her eyes. “I’m not hungry.” She’s too nervous to be hungry.

 

“I made black bean burgers so you can eat one while I drive you.” The look in his eyes is enough to let her know that he isn’t kidding, so she sighs in reluctance and grabs some raw carrots to snack on as well.

 

This seems to please Gustus, and she only has to wait a few more moments while he puts on his shoes until they are out the door.

 

“So.” He says ominously as they pull out of the driveway. “What sort of get together is this?”

 

Lexa’s mouth is still full of veggie burger when she attempts to answer. “It’s jubst a football game!” She reassures him.

 

“Is there going to be drinking?”

 

Lexa considers lying, but then decides against it. He’ll probably find out sooner or later. And besides, Anya never got in trouble when xe had drank in high school. “Yeah.”

 

Gustus inhales sharply. “Alright. Well, make good choices. If you need me to come get you, at any time, please don’t hesitate to call me.”

 

Lexa nods. She really is grateful that she has a dad who is so understanding and willing to let her explore even if he’s concerned about her safety. “Don’t worry dad, I will.” She doesn’t yet know if this is an empty promise.

 

 

\--

 

 

When they finally arrive at Raven’s house after several u-turns thanks to Lexa’s bad navigation skills and Gustus’s lack of knowledge of the neighborhood streets, it’s only half past 6. Lexa is secretly grateful she wasn’t super punctual because she’s heard somewhere that its fashionable to show up a little late; to make people anticipate your arrival. That applies to this situation, right?

 

“Are you going to get out?”

 

The sound of Gustus’s voice pulls her from her own head. “Right.” She nods quickly. “Yes.”

 

Gustus smiles, leaning over to kiss her on the cheek. “Have a good time Lexa.”

 

Her cheeks turn slightly pink as she steps out of the car. “I will! Thanks dad.”

 

He drives away and she turns to take in the house before her. Unlike a lot of the other houses in the area, this one doesn’t have a lawn and instead has a huge garden in the front. The flowers are starting to wilt and the stalks of what appear to be vegetables are preparing themselves for the winter freeze. Lexa walks up the stone pathway to the front porch, which is surrounded by a wooden fence that is painted baby blue to match the rest of the house. She knocks on the door trying to calm her racing pulse.

 

_Why is it racing?_

 

Before she can answer that question, the door opens and Clarke is screaming her name (quite loudly, maybe excessively so) and pulling her into a hug.

 

Lexa stiffens out of habit, only letting herself relax into the hug when Clarke refuses to pull away after several moments. She realizes that this is the first time she’s ever been this close to Clarke. Unfortunately, her body does too and she grimaces over Clarke’s shoulder as she tries to think about anything that will keep her from getting hard during this extremely embarrassing and not to mention uncomfortable situation.

 

“I’m **so** happy you’re here Lexa.” Clarke gushes, and when she pulls away from the hug, Lexa can tell her cheeks are rosy and pink, and her words are just a little bit louder than they would normally be. “Omg I’m so sorry I forgot to text you a picture of my outfit before you came!” She pouts.

 

Lexa waves her off. “It’s totally fine! I figured out what to wear without your help.” She laughs, and secretly is grateful that Clarke didn’t send her a picture because she honestly might have gone into cardiac arrest if it was anything like the last one.

 

“Ok.” Clarke smiles wide, her cheeks red.

 

“Are you drunk?” Lexa inquires curiously as Clarke leads her deeper into the house.

 

“Noooo what makes you think that?” Clarke giggles and nearly trips over a stray shoe in the hallway. Lexa grabs her hand to support her so she doesn’t fall and Clarke meets her gaze. “Okay I’m a little tipsy. But nothing too extreme I promise!” She waves the hand that is not currently being held by Lexa emphatically. She turns around in the hallway again and Lexa wonders if they are ever going to find the other two people in the house. She can’t exactly bring herself to mind.

 

She notices Clarke’s eyes dragging up and down her body once more and she takes a deep breath. _It doesn’t mean anything._

 

“You look so good tonight Lex.” Clarke’s words spill out, her eyes wide and serious, gazing into Lexa’s own.

 

Lexa’s face flushes a deep shade of crimson and she hides behind her elbow shyly.

 

Clarke merely keeps on grinning and continues to drag her through what now appears to be a kitchen. Lexa finally catches sight of Clarke’s two other friends, Raven and Monty, who seem to be equally as exuberant as Clarke.

 

“Lexa!” Both of them yell in unison, rushing over to give her hugs. Lexa returns them slightly uncomfortably; as she has never been a huge fan of physical affection, especially since she barely knows these two people. Clarke seems to notice her discomfort and quickly disentangles Raven from Lexa’s arms.

 

“So Lex, how was the debate meeting?” Raven asks, eyebrow quirking. “Was it good enough to justify missing a whole entire half an hour with us?” She pouts sarcastically.

 

Lexa just laughs. “I don’t know, because I don’t think I’ve ever spent an entire half an hour with you.” She frowns. “Aside from like, in class, but that doesn’t count because I don’t sit near you.”

 

Monty barks out a laugh, “Burn, Reyes.”

 

She shoots a glare in their direction. “She’s talking about you too, nerd.”

 

Clarke throws an arm around both of them, as she leads them to a rug, gesturing for Lexa to follow. “Stop fighting, I want to hear her story.”

 

Lexa sits, unsure of what to do. “It was…” she licks her lips and notices that Clarke’s eyes never leave hers. “Good.”

 

Clarke, Raven and Monty all regard her expectantly, as if they know she’s leaving something out on purpose.

 

“I got on varsity.” She blurts out quickly

 

“What?!” All three of the others glance around at each other and back to Lexa in shock. “Why didn’t you say so earlier?” Clarke asks, astonished.

 

Lexa fidgets nervously. “I don’t know; I guess I didn’t think it was that big of a deal.”

 

“Not that big of a deal?” Raven interjects loudly. “Lexa, do you know how hard it is to get on varsity debate? Like, those are coveted positions and you’re new, and also only a junior. That’s like, fucking incredible.”

 

Lexa blushes again. “Thanks.”

 

Clarke smirks “Bellamy is gonna be so pissed.”

 

Lexa’s eyes flit up in alarm. “What? Why?”

 

“Well,” Monty continues for Clarke, “There was all of this drama because Ontari and Bellamy were the only juniors on Varsity last year, and they both won at state in their categories. SO they’re a little,” They pause, pondering. “How do you put this nicely, full of themselves?” They laugh and continue. “Both of them are used to being the best of the best so they’ll probably see you as competition, and they might be shitty to you.” They give her a kind but somewhat bittersweet smile. “You might want to be careful.”

 

“Yeah,” Clarke adjusts her short shorts so that she is seated more comfortably and Lexa tries not to stare, willing her blood to go anywhere but down. “Bellamy is kind of an ass.” She laughs. “He’s Octavia’s half-brother; they have the same mom.” Lexa nods, somewhat surprised.

 

“Anyway,” Clarke continues. “He’s not a bad person, but he sometimes gets blinded by his own competitiveness and he always thinks winning is the most important thing. Ontari isn’t so bad, but she’s just been influenced a lot by that same way of thinking so when she’s in debate mode, she honestly probably wouldn’t hesitate to stab you if it helped her win.”  


Lexa shudders. All of this sounds so promising.

 

Clarke reaches out a hand to put on Lexa’s shoulder. “But hey, we’re not trying to scare you! If Roan thinks you’re suited for varsity, you can totally handle it. They’re the ones that should be worried.”

 

Lexa gives her a weak smile, but secretly she’s terrified. Before her mind can spiral into a self-deprecating despair, Raven interrupts her thoughts. “Alright that’s enough downer shit, let’s play a game!”

 

Monty and Clarke cheer and their hands return to the plastic blue cups that had been sitting on the floor next to the rug where the four of them are seated in a circle.

 

“Hmmm does anyone have any ideas about what game we should play?” Clarke asks the group at large. “Also, Lexa, what kind of alcohol do you want? We have some beer and we also have some rum which you could mix with soda.”

 

“I have celiac disease so I can’t have beer.” Lexa’s mouth forms a lopsided smile. She notices the confused looks her friends’ faces, so she prepares to explain. “Oh, it means my body has like an immune system reaction when I eat gluten. I can’t process it and my intestines get damaged when I eat it. And like I can’t even have a tiny bit, like I’ll have a reaction if I eat something that’s even been touched by gluten. So like I have to have my own separate toaster and cutting board at home.” She shrugs somewhat forlornly as they give her looks of pity.

 

“But I’m used to it! It’s fine.” She ignores their worried faces. “I’ll have some rum I guess. If it’s really gluten free.” She frowns, grabbing the container and inspecting the label. “I have to google this brand really quick, I feel like I’ve heard that some liquor is made from wheat.”

 

“Of course.” Lexa doesn’t miss the anxiety in Clarke’s eyes as she glances over at the other two. She sighs internally as she types “Tito’s Rum gluten-free” into the search bar on her phone. _Why does she have to have so many unique problems?_

She finds a list of gluten-free alcoholic beverages quickly and happily discovers that Tito’s is on the list. “Okay I can drink it!” She grins and her friends return her smile in relief.

 

 “Will you mix it for me?” she asks Clarke, who nods enthusiastically.

 

As she starts mixing Lexa’s drink, Clarke asks the group if they’ve decided on a game yet.

 

“We could play never have I ever?” Monty suggests.

 

“It’s kind of cliché but I’m down.” Raven turns her head, eyebrows raised, seemingly looking for a dissenting opinion.

 

“Yeah that’s always a safe bet.” Clarke agrees. “What do you think, Lex?”

 

Lexa gulps. She knows nothing about drinking. “Um- sure. I don’t know how to play though.”

 

“Monty!” Clarke yells, startling them. “Explain the rules.”

 

They fidget, taking a drink from their blue cup. “Okay, so. We go around in a circle and every person has to say something that they’ve never done, in the hopes that someone else in the group has done it.”

 

Lexa tilts her head in confusion.

 

“Sorry,” They continue. “That was a bad way to explain it. So basically, I say something, like never have I ever had pizza,” They pause, adding, “Which of course I have, but this is just an example. And if someone else in the group has had pizza, then they have to drink. The goal is to drink the least out of everyone, obviously. And we play until one of us gets too drunk to continue.” They laugh, noting Lexa’s horrified expression. “Relax Lexa. We’ll just play until we get bored or until it’s time to go to the game.” They glance at their phone, checking the time. “We only have like an hour or so anyway.”

 

Clarke looks up expectantly. “Alright, so who’s first?”

 

Lexa ducks her head, trying not to make eye contact. She does **not** want to be the center of attention for a game she’s never played before.

 

Clarke sighs, “Alright, I’ll go. Never have I ever had sex at school.” She smirks up at Raven, who purses her lips and takes a swig of beer while flipping Clarke off. Monty and Lexa laugh in amazement.

 

“Are you serious?” Monty asks.

 

Raven rolls her eyes. “Deadly. Although Clarke,” She glares at her friend, “Was not supposed to let the world know.” Clarke at least has the decency to look a little ashamed but she’s still smiling, signifying to Lexa that she doesn’t really regret it at all.

 

“You have to tell the story!” Monty begs, tapping Raven’s knee incessantly.

 

“Oh my god fine.” Raven takes another drink. “Basically, me and Octavia were in the locker room after she had football practice.” Monty giggles.

 

“Shut up or I’m not going to finish telling you!” She shoots them a threatening look and they immediately recompose their face into a solemn expression.

 

“Anyway. We were in the locker room.” She pauses, noting the scandalized look on Lexa’s face. “No one else was in there!” She insists, eyes widening in exasperation.

 

“But yeah we were against the lockers making out…” She trails off, apparently not wanting to continue the story.

 

“And Indra walked in while Octavia’s hand was down Raven’s pants!” Clarke squeals gleefully. Raven glares at her, narrowing her eyes.

 

“And I’m now banned from visiting Octavia after football practice.” Raven sulks, downing some more beer. “Can we talk about something less embarrassing now, please?”

 

Lexa stares at her, eyes wide in shock. She cannot believe that something like that could have happened at a public school, and that neither girl had been expelled, or worse.

 

“What?” Raven’s eyes flick over to Lexa. “Why are you looking at me like I personally offended you or something?”

 

Lexa swallows, trying to compose herself. “Sorry.” She breathes. “I didn’t mean to sound like that! I’m honestly just surprised that something like that could happen here and there hasn’t been any severe consequences, like Octavia’s still on the team, and neither of you are getting harassed…” She trails off.

 

Raven stares at her, eyes wide. “Oh god, I didn’t realize…” She licks her lips, seeming to contemplate what to say next. “All that happened was that Indra yelled at us, and we both were super mortified, and she made us run extra laps in gym the next day.”

 

Lexa’s mouth parts in shock. “Wow, that’s all?” She shakes her head. “Honestly I’m more amazed by this school every day.”

 

Monty and Clarke both laugh, diffusing the tension.

 

 “Okay, who’s next?” Monty interjects.

 

“I think you are.” Clarke responds. “If we’re going clockwise.”

 

“Hmm,” Monty thinks for a moment. “This is technically true, even if I didn’t always know it.” They run their hand through their shaggy hair, a faint smile on their lips. “Never have I ever been cis.”

 

Raven and Clarke groan, each taking long sips of their drink. Lexa hesitates for a second before she also brings her drink to her lips, tasting the bitter alcohol for the first time and coughing a little bit.

 

Raven glances at her curiously, but before she can say anything, Lexa continues with her turn. “Never have I ever been to a football game.” She grins, and the other three roll their eyes and laugh as they all take sips of their drinks. This seems to put her friends at ease and the game begins to move much more quickly.

 

Its Raven’s turn next. “Never have I ever had a left leg.”

 

The other three groan and drink again. Lexa can feel the rum burning down her throat and making her body start to feel tingly. 

 

“Okay okay I’m next,” Clarke scoots closer, tightening the circle. “Never have I ever had a crush on a football player.”

 

Lexa looks up, knowing this doesn’t apply to her, noticing that both Monty and Raven are both drinking and Clarke is giggling softly.

Lexa is confused. She knows that Octavia plays football, but who else does that Monty has a crush on? _Oh._ Lexa realizes quietly. It must be Lincoln. She wonders if he’s also queer. She’s prevented from exploring this further when Monty starts speaking again. “Never have I ever…” They pause, face suddenly lighting up in inspiration. “Had my first kiss at school.”

 

Raven smiles widely as she takes a swig. Clarke seems a little more subdued, but she also takes a sip nonetheless.

 

“I already know the story, but would you care to share for our new friend Lexa here?” Monty sips from their blue cup.

 

“I’d be happy to indulge.” Raven tosses her hair over her shoulder dramatically. “Once, there were two queer girls. One who knew she was, and one who was in denial.” She smirks and Monty rolls their eyes. “Okay fine fine, I’ll stop being dramatic. Basically, sophomore year, me, Clarke, and Octavia were best friends. Well we still are,” She smiles at Clarke, “But it’s a bit different now, I guess, since O and I are together. Anyway, both of them were already out; Clarke as bi and Octavia as pan and intersex, and I had a major crush on her but I couldn’t admit it to myself, because that would mean admitting that I was actually gay. One night after a football game after I’d been staring at and cheering for Octavia all night, I was sitting under the bleachers, smoking weed with Clarke, and Octavia was walking by. I think she was going to her car and she didn’t see us there, but Clarke, being the shit head she is, got up really loudly and announced she was going to go pee in the bushes. This startled Octavia a ton, like she told me later that she almost called 911 because she was worried she was going to get robbed. But then she was like ‘Hey Raven!’ and she came over and took a hit from the joint I had. And one thing led to another and I admitted that I couldn’t stop staring at her all night, because damn those football pants.” She winks and Monty nods enthusiastically. “And she admitted that she’d been listening for my cheers in the bleachers and then she kissed me.” Raven finishes, blushing quietly.

 

“And fireworks went off somewhere probably.” Monty adds, grinning as Raven shoves them, red still visible on her cheeks. “Clarke you have to tell Lexa the story of you and Finn now.”

 

Lexa turns her attention to Clarke, still reeling from the news that Clarke is bi. She supposes that it isn’t all that surprising but this makes her rethink every single interaction that Clarke and her have had so far. Was she just being friends? Or had she been flirting? Not that it matters anyway because Lexa knows Clarke couldn’t possibly like someone like her anyway. She’s a freak and she doesn’t deserve to be loved. Not that she’s even interested in Clarke that way. God, what has gotten into her? It must be the alcohol, she decides.

 

Her train wreck of thoughts is interrupted by Clarkes unusually quiet voice. “Okay I guess I’ll tell the story.”

 

Monty looks briefly concerned. “You don’t have to. You know, if it’s too hard.” They pat Clarke’s knee reassuringly.

 

“No, it’s fine! I’m fine.” Clarke insists almost angrily. “Ok so freshman year, I had English class with this really cute sophomore named Finn. As we started becoming friends, I realized I really liked him, but I wasn’t sure he felt the same so I wasn’t going to make a move. But he always called me princess and he was really sweet to me.” She smiles, looking up to the ceiling. “One day, after class was over, he offered to drive me home because I had been complaining about the bus.” She laughs. “So he walked with me to the parking lot and I was standing against his car, telling him about something, I don’t even remember what, and then he leaned in and kissed me.” She smiles wistfully. “We started dating after that.”

 

Raven and Monty regard her sadly, and Lexa realizes that she is probably missing some key information, but none of her friends look as though they are going to share. 

 

It turns out she’s right because Raven quickly changes the subject. “It’s my turn now, isn’t it?” She takes another sip of her drink. “Never have I ever had a dog.”

 

Clarke drinks again, narrowing her eyes at Raven. “Rude.”

 

Lexa laughs, “I wish I had a dog.”

 

Monty nods emphatically, “Same! My parents will never get me one though.” They make a sad face.

 

“I want you to meet my dog, Lexa.” Clarke begins excitedly. “His name is Sam. He’s a pug and he’s soooo cute.” She pulls out her phone and scrolls intently for a second. “Here.” She shoves her phone into Lexa’s face and Lexa has to squint her eyes quickly to focus.

 

“Awwwwe.” She smiles up at Clarke. He really is very cute. Clarke giggles and stares back into her eyes. The moment is broken when Raven claps her hands abruptly. “Alright geeks. Who’s next? Let’s get this game moving again.”

 

“I think it’s me.” Lexa volunteers. “Hmmm… Oh I’ve got one: never have I ever been tipsy before.” She pauses, “Or until now at least.” She laughs as they all groan and drink. She wonders if they notice that she’s been strategically withholding telling them anything substantial about herself.

 

The game continues like this for several more minutes; no one chooses anything particularly personal or emotional. Lexa wonders if it’s because Clarke, for whatever reason, has a hard time talking about Finn. She makes a mental note to never bring him up in casual conversation.

 

Lexa’s taking a sip after a particularly inane comment from Raven; ‘Never have I ever been gluten-free,’ when Monty glances at their phone again. “Hey, it’s like 7:15 we should probably make our way over to the stadium.”

 

Everyone else agrees and they begin to gather their things. Lexa stands for the first time since she started drinking and wobbles a little bit, grabbing the wall to steady herself. She didn’t realize she was this inebriated until she had to actually move.

 

“You okay there, Woods?” Raven asks, grinning dopily. “I mean, besides being shit-faced.” Her and Monty laugh.

 

“I’m not shit-faced.” Lexa mutters and Clarke defends her, slurring slightly. “No she’s not. She’s fine.” Clarke wraps her arms around Lexa’s neck protectively, whispering to her “Don’t worry about them, they’re just joking.”

 

Lexa wants her blood to stop circulating because it’s all going between her legs and she doesn’t think she can survive

  1. the discomfort of getting a boner while tucked and
  2. the embarrassment of getting hard just because Clarke is hugging her.



 

_Fuck_

Luckily Raven pulls Clarke away only seconds later. “We’ve got to get moving if we want to make it on time! I only live like a 10-minute walk away from the school but if we leave any later we’re not going to get good seats.”

 

They all grab their coats and Clarke quickly pours some rum into a flask and tucks it into her bra. Lexa tries not to stare.

 

“Are we ready?” Raven asks, antsy and waiting by the door.

 

“Yeah,” Monty grabs Clarke before she can take another swig of alcohol. “Let’s go, party girl.”

 

 

 

\--

 

 

 

The game is less boring than Lexa thought it would be. Monty and Raven are constantly cheering for their respective love interests, and although she doesn’t really understand the rules quite yet, it is sort of fun to watch heavily geared people tackle each other. She doesn’t really see the appeal of being one of the players though. It looks far too painful.

 

“So is the whole league all gender?” Lexa asks Clarke during the second quarter, after they had both taken another sip from Clarke’s flask of rum, and Lexa was definitely feeling strangely happy and braver than she ever had before in her life.

 

“Well, technically no.” Clarke responds, “None of the other schools are set up like ours to be gender inclusive, so most of the other teams that come play us are all cis guys.” She makes a face. “I think there might be one other team that has a trans guy and possibly a few cis girls on the team. But our team is definitely the most gender diverse.” Clarke takes another swig.

 

“Poor Octavia.” Lexa marvels at how she can be such a badass.

 

Clarke laughs. “Don’t worry about her. Honestly? She could hold her own against every single one of those guys.”

 

Lexa joins in and soon they are both laughing so hard it hurts and neither of them know why.

 

“I have to-” Clarke wheezes in between giggles.

 

“What?” Lexa’s laughter immediately stops, replaced with concern. “What, Clarke?” She repeats.

 

“I have to go pee!” Clarke pants, still laughing intermittently.

 

Lexa sighs in relief. “Oh my god Clarke. Let’s go!”

 

She tells Raven and Monty where they are going, but both of them are a little too intent on the game to actually pay much attention.

 

They descend the bleachers together and Lexa clings to Clarkes arm because she’s honestly not confident that she could walk unsupported at this point. She’s feeling incredibly light and wonderful, but also she’s super worried that her intoxicated self will do something stupid.

 

When they finally reach the bottom step, Clarke apparently misjudges where to put her foot and almost face plants into the ground. With reflexes she didn’t even know she had when she was sober, Lexa catches Clarke in her arms and they end up standing there at the bottom of the stairs, holding each other and giggling softly. Lexa could stand there for an eternity but Clarke reminds her that she still has to pee and so they slowly disentangle as not to cause any more falling over and Clarke grabs Lexa’s hand and pulls her in the direction of the bathroom. There are three gender neutral restrooms at the football stadium, and Lexa is privately very glad that Clarke is also directing her feet to the closest bathroom because she’s slightly unsure if she could walk unsupported to either of the other ones.

 

“I’m drunk.” Lexa giggles into Clarke’s ear.

 

Clarke squeezes her hand. “Me too.” She starts shaking with laughter. “Stop making me laugh I’m going to pee my pants!” She squeals entirely too loudly. Someone exiting the restroom gives them the side eye but Lexa could not care less.

 

There’s no one else in the bathroom when they finally reach the door, and Clarke swiftly releases Lexa’s hand and stumbles to a stall. Lexa hears her giggling as she drops her pants.

 

“Lexa.”

 

“What?”

 

“Listen to me pee.” Clarke begins to laugh hysterically. “Listen-” She hiccups and resumes laughing.

 

It sounds like a whole lot of water pouring into a cup, and Lexa marvels at the fact that Clarke is able to produce this much liquid. She also starts to giggle uncontrollably. “Oh my god- Clarke,” She wheezes, “How much did you even drink?”

 

The answer is delayed, probably because Clarke is catching her breath from laughing so much. “I don’t know!” She laughs again. “I just broke the seal though.” Her voice sounds more resigned than it had earlier. “We’ll probably be back to this very bathroom quite soon.” She emerges from the stall and Lexa gives her a confused look. “What does break the seal mean?”

 

Clarke moves to wash her hands and makes eye contact with Lexa’s reflection in the mirror. Now that Lexa can see herself, she immediately feels more self-conscious. Her hair is a bit more disheveled than it had been at Raven’s house and her white shirt has a rum stain on the front, which apparently she hadn’t noticed before. She grimaces. Hopefully that will come out. She suddenly remembers that Clarke was going to tell her something and tries to refocus.

 

“It’s like, peeing when you’re drunk. It’s called breaking the seal because once you pee, there’s no going back like it’s a guarantee that you’ll be back in the bathroom again.” Clarke explains, and Lexa watches her instead. She decides that the reflection of the mirror doesn’t do Clarke’s beautiful face justice. Logically, she knows this should apply to her as well but she can never convince herself that she’s anything but unattractive.

 

“Oh.”

 

Clarke gives her a once over. “I see you haven’t broken yours yet.”

 

Lexa shrugs. “I don’t have to go yet.”

 

Clarke elbows her softly. “Alright well I’ll probably be back here in like 15 minutes anyway, so you can go then.” She puts her arm around Lexa’s shoulders and Lexa hates how she leans into the touch.

 

“Okay.”

 

Lexa trips on their way out of the bathroom, hands outstretched and ready to hit the pavement, but they never do because both of Clarke’s arms tighten around her, keeping her from falling. Lexa grins, absorbing at Clarke’s slightly mussed hair and alcohol-rosy cheeks and-

 

The moment is interrupted by a pair of rowdy middle-school age boys pushing past them into the bathroom.

 

Clarke removes her arm that is around Lexa’s torso, but the one over her shoulders stays put.

 

Breathless, Lexa asks her. “Well, should we go back?”

 

“Yeah I guess so.” Clarke smiles wryly. “Wouldn’t want to miss our team scoring a touchdown.”

 

Lexa laughs, because as her friends had explained earlier, apparently this was a rather rare occurrence. Ark high was not necessarily known for its exceptional football program.

 

Both of them somehow reach the top of the bleachers without falling and sit down next to their friends again. Suddenly, Clarke’s eyes light up and both of her hands reach into her pockets, pulling out a brightly colored neon plastic bag.

 

“Guess what I have?”

 

“What?” Lexa asks excitedly, feeling like a little kid.

 

“Sour patch kids!”

 

Lexa’s eyes widen in anticipation. “Are you going to let me try one?” It must be the alcohol that encourages her to scoot closer to Clarke until their legs are touching. Clarke rips open the bag and several of the colorful candies fly out, and one of them hits Lexa in the chin. She laughs but Clarke looks absurdly concerned and inspects Lexa’s chin for almost two whole minutes to make sure no damage was done. All that Lexa can think about is the fact that Clarke is touching her face and it kind of tickles but it also feels really fucking good.

 

“Here.” Clarke grabs a sour patch kid and puts it directly into Lexa’s mouth and Lexa tries not to hyperventilate because Clarke’s fingers had brushed her lips. She bites down on the candy and the sour flavor explodes on her tongue.

 

“Oh my god, I really like it.”

 

Clarke grins. “I knew you would! Aren’t they amazing? I could eat an entire package. Although I would not recommend doing that, it kind of hurts after a while.”

 

Lexa is kind of zoning out because she’s so incredibly happy about the candy in her mouth and also that she is sitting so close to Clarke that she can’t really focus on anything else.

 

It soon becomes a mechanical motion, Lexa reaching for one sour patch kid after another and slowly moving closer and closer to Clarke. Even through her slightly drunken haze, she distinctly remembers Clarke whispering to her “You can lay your head on my shoulder if you’re cold.” And so Lexa does, and Clarke puts an arm around her torso, holding her close. Lexa is warm and content and she cannot believe this is actually happening.

 

In the last minute of the game, Octavia somehow scores an impressive touchdown (Lexa doesn’t really know what that means however since she has no idea how football really works), and the stands erupt in cheers as Ark high miraculously wins their first game of the season. Raven stands up, screaming and cheering until her voice goes hoarse and Lexa watches as Octavia grins up at the stands, searching for chocolate brown eyes, holding the football in the air triumphantly. Her teammates crowd around her, hugging and congratulating her.

 

Coach Indra only barely purses her lips when Raven sprints down the stands onto the field and kisses her girlfriend in front of the whole stadium. Watching them, Lexa’s heart feels more full than she ever thought possible. She’s honestly still so amazed that people at this school can be unapologetically themselves. She turns to Clarke who is watching her with a quizzical expression. “What are you thinking about?”

 

Lexa gulps, not wanting to reveal that information. “I’m just-” she pauses, taking a deep breath. “I’m just happy, that’s all. I’m really glad you invited me tonight.”

 

Clarke bumps Lexa’s shoulder with her own. “I’m glad you came too.”

 

Lexa smacks her lips loudly. “My mouth hurts though.”

 

Clarke glances down at the nearly empty bag of sour patch kids. “Oh my god Lexa how many did you eat?”

 

Lexa refuses to meet Clarke’s eyes. “Um, I’ve been eating them constantly since you got them out so like. A lot.” She trails off guiltily.

 

Clarke just laughs, rolling her eyes. “Lexaaa you can’t eat that many! Otherwise your tongue gets sore.”

 

“Believe me, I know.” Lexa runs her tongue over her front teeth regretfully. “Does it ever go away?”

 

“Yes!” Clarke smiles again. “You’ll just have to suffer through it for now though.”

 

Lexa pouts her front lip. “Okay.”

 

Clarke pokes Lexa’s lip with her finger and Lexa almost jumps out of her seat, startled by the touch.

 

“I’m sorry!” Clarke’s face is immediately close to her own, concern in her eyes. “Did I hurt you?”

 

“Oh my god no.” Lexa turns away. “I’m just jumpy that’s all. I’m sorry.”

 

“Don’t be sorry.” Clarke pats her leg reassuringly. “I know some people have good reason as to why they’re easily startled.” Her eyes seem to penetrate all of Lexa’s barriers and Lexa’s chest constricts.

 

It’s true, she **has** been bullied and neglected and unwanted during her life. But how can Clarke read her so well? It’s almost like Clarke knows without her even having to say anything. And Lexa is terrified because everyone she’s ever let in has ended up hurting her.

 

The stands are slowly clearing out. Raven has already left with Octavia, and soon Monty nudges Clarke and Lexa indicating that they are about to head out as well.

 

“I’m going to go say hi to Lincoln and I think once he and Octavia finish cleaning up in the locker room, we’re all going to go back to Raven’s house with her.”

 

Clarke nods. “I think me and Lexa are going to stay here for a little longer.” Her gaze flicks up to Monty, then back to Lexa. “If that’s okay with you.” She says a little quieter.

 

“Of course.” Lexa agrees.

 

They sit in silence as the night air settles around them and the sounds of the crowd start to dissipate. Lexa realizes she is content to sit here and just be, and this simple fact scares her to death. She knows that familiarity leads to comfort which leads to trust which leads to spilling one’s insecurities and she’s really not sure she’s ready to do that with anyone. Even her dad hardly knows anything about her traumatic past. She didn’t even tell him about the bullying until he forced her to when she came home with visible bruises. She shudders, and suddenly the night air seems a lot colder than it had before. She snuggles closer to Clarke, who she realizes is- shaking?

 

Lexa’s head spins quickly in concern. “Clarke. Look at me. Are you alright? What’s wrong? What can I do?” Her mind races frantically. Had she done something wrong? Had she made Clarke uncomfortable with their close physical proximity?

 

“Lexa.” Clarke whispers. “I’m okay. Don’t worry it’s not your fault. I’m just sad. The last time I was here on these bleachers after a game, I was-” Her voice breaks and Lexa’s heart aches for her. “I was with Finn.” She collapses into Lexa’s shoulder and begins to cry in earnest.

 

Lexa holds her, not knowing what else to do. After a while the sobbing subsides into small sniffles and Clarke looks up from Lexa’s arms. “I’m sorry.”

 

“Don’t be.” Lexa responds sincerely. “It’s okay to cry.” She quietly rolls her eyes internally, knowing how hypocritical the only exception to that rule is herself.

“Do you want to talk about it?” Lexa asks. “It’s okay if you don’t.”

 

“No, I do.” Clarke’s voice is husky. “I think you deserve to know the story.”

 

“Okay.” Lexa waits.

 

Clarke takes a deep breath. “Alright so, you already know that my freshman year I dated a boy named Finn.”

 

“Yeah.” Lexa recalls the game of never have I ever.

 

“So it was the summer before my sophomore year, and me, Finn, Wells and Lincoln all went swimming together in a lake. We were just splashing around, playing in the water and the Lincoln decided that he wanted to jump off this rock into the water.” She pauses, sniffling. “The rock isn’t like a cliff or anything, but it’s its tall enough that it would be like jumping off the high dive from the edge of the lake. So Lincoln went, and we all were cheering him on and he did a cannonball and it looked really fun and then everyone wanted to try. So Wells and I went together because we’re both a little bit afraid of heights,” she laughs bitterly. “And then when it was Finn’s turn, he got to the top of the rock and turned around backwards. He was like ‘I’m going to do a backflip!’ and I encouraged him.” She breaks into a harsh sob again. “I encouraged him, Lexa, even though I knew it was dangerous, I thought it would be fine. I thought he would be safe. But as soon as he jumped I could tell he hadn’t jumped far enough away from the rock and there was a huge crack as he-” She inhales raggedly, “As he hit his head on the rock and fell into the water. All of us were screaming and jumped in, trying to find him and pull him out, but by the time we did, he had lost consciousness. We called 911, but by the time we got to the hospital he was already brain dead from lack of oxygen, and it was too late. He never woke up.” Several more tears pool in her eyes and Lexa thinks she looks terrified. Lexa just wants to hold her and protect her from everything that ever hurt her.

 

“It’s my fault.” She whispers into Lexa’s shoulder. “It’s my fault he died.”

 

“No.” Lexa murmurs firmly. “It was an accident.”

 

“But if I had just told him to stop-” Clarke looks up desperately.

 

“There’s no way for you to know if he would have or not, Clarke. Don’t blame yourself for this.” Lexa holds her tighter and Clarke’s crying resumes.

 

Lexa realizes in this moment, her arms around Clarke, the bright lights from the stadium illuminating Clarke’s messy blonde hair, and residual alcohol still coursing through her veins, that she does care about Clarke. Like, she cares about her as a friend, and as more than that. And it terrifies her because she wants so much for Clarke to not hurt anymore that she knows she’d do anything to take Clarke’s pain away, including suffering herself so Clarke doesn’t have to.

 

After a while, Clarke stops crying and they both decide to walk back to Raven’s since Clarke is still rather unsteady and Lexa doesn’t think either of them are sober enough to be operating vehicles.

 

When they get back to Raven’s, they discover that Monty has fallen asleep on Lincoln, who is also out cold. Raven and Octavia must have retreated to Raven’s room as the house is silent and they are nowhere to be seen in the living room or in the kitchen. Clarke collapses on the armchair and Lexa grabs a blanket and lays it out on the floor beneath the couch.

 

“Wait.” Clarke whispers.

 

Lexa looks up, surprised. “What?”

 

“Come in the armchair with me.”

 

Lexa’s heart begins to race. “Are- are you sure?”

 

“Yeah.” Clarke’s eyes betray how tired and sad she must feel. She scoots to one side of the reclining chair so that Lexa can join her.

 

Lexa carefully lays down next to Clarke, and although she tries to avoid letting their bodies touch, it’s extremely difficult given that the armchair is not very wide. She eventually lets herself relax into Clarke’s body when Clarke’s breathing becomes even and steady. Once she’s sure Clarke’s asleep, she carefully untucks herself while trying not to disturb Clarke and readjusts the blanket so they both are comfortably beneath it. She’s honestly surprised that she’s not getting turned on right now, as she is spooning Clarke Griffin, but she credits the combination of exhaustion and sadness that she feels after a very long and emotionally draining day. The last thing she remembers before drifting off is carefully placing her arm across Clarke’s waist and snuggling in closer.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> comments and kudos are appreciated!! thanks so much for reading :-)


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> lexa and clarke hang out on a friday night, watch a gay movie, and have gay feelings

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry this is a little later than i had planned but i decided to watch wynonna earp instead of writing haha. if you haven’t seen it yet you should it’s sO GOOD 10/10 would recommend. also I started reading these two fics that turned out to be rlyyy transphobic and then i was sad and a little discouraged. but now i’m back! on a better note; i’m fucking obsessed with ariana grande’s new album and i listened to the song “touch it” on repeat while writing this and i think it fits with the whole pining/longing shit that is going on in this chapter (lol) enjoy! ALSO a small part of this chapter lives up to the E rating! just so you know……

Lexa cannot believe that it’s already been two weeks since the football game; two weeks since Clarke cried on her shoulder and since they’d fallen asleep on the armchair together. School has flown by in a whirlwind of homework, debate practice and trying to learn more names than she could ever hope to remember, but Lexa is finally starting to fall into a real routine. Even though she’s definitely still the new kid, she’s letting herself realize that she may be able to find a place here. Especially if that place includes Clarke.

 

Lexa’s currently in the locker room, getting ready to change for gym class. She always tends to arrive early after lunch because she likes to have a few minutes to herself. Even though she still uses the private changing rooms, she likes to sit on the bench listening to a few songs to mentally prepare. Although she enjoys exercise, she prefers it to be on her own terms. Gym is sometimes hard for her because it brings back memories of her old school. Things had been especially difficult there because the gym teachers would often separate students by gender, which was uncomfortable to say the least. On top of the binary bullshit, her teacher freshman year, Coach Pike, often forced her to be in the group with the boys. She eventually mustered the courage to talk to the administration and they let her transfer out of Pike’s class, and agreed that if class was separated by gender she could be with the girls. However, they still made her use the referee’s changing room because the school had received too many complaints from parents about having someone with “male parts” in the girl’s locker room. Needless to say, she fucking despised going to gym and would often skip. Gym at Ark is superior in so many ways, but it’s still not her favorite.

 

She’s singing softly to the Mariah Carey playing on her iPod when she hears the telltale warning of the opening of the locker room door and quickly grabs her clothes and dashes over to her favorite individual changing room. She catches a glimpse of the back of Clarke’s head and Monty’s black mop that probably should have been cut about a month ago. She wishes that the sight of Clarke didn’t cause immediate squirming in her abdomen. Her mind flashes back to the last time they had been together outside of school.

 

 

\--

 

 

 

_Lexa opens her eyes slowly and yawns, snuggling closer into the blanket. It so warm and comfortable and- breathing?_

_Clarke?_

_She frantically puts as much distance between herself and Clarke as she can, which admittedly is not very far seeing as they are both squished into a reclined armchair. Clarke doesn’t stir and Lexa is extremely grateful, because she realizes that she has a morning wood and it’s pressing dangerously close to Clarke’s ass. She quickly shoves it in the waistband of her pants and checks the time on her phone. Its already 8:45 am but no one else is awake yet. Monty and Lincoln are still asleep on the couch adjacent to the armchair, Monty’s head still resting in Lincoln’s lap, and Lincoln’s arm draped across their chest._

_Lexa gingerly tries to exit the chair without waking Clarke and in her effort to not disturb her ends up nearly falling off of the edge and barely catches herself before she hits the ground. She makes her way to where she thinks the bathroom is and contemplates whether she should wait for her boner to go away, or take care of it. Ultimately she decides it’s too weird because she’s in someone else’s house and they could wake up at any time. So she sits on the toilet, burning data because she doesn’t have the password to the Reyes wifi and knowing Raven, it’s probably hidden and encrypted anyway._

_Eventually she hears movement in the house and exits the bathroom to find that Clarke is awake and also scrolling through her phone._

_“Hey.” She smiles at Lexa._

_“Hi.” Lexa awkwardly stands in front of the armchair, unsure if she should sit down. But then Clarke stands quickly and grabs her hand, pulling her in the direction of the kitchen._

_“Do you want to help me make breakfast?”_

_“Yeah.” Lexa smiles._

_“We should make pancakes.” Clarke suggests._

_“Um-” Lexa pauses._

_“Oh shit wait!” Clarke exclaims. “You can’t have those. I’m sorry, I forgot.” She pouts in Lexa’s general direction. “I feel bad.”_

_Lexa rolls her eyes. “Believe me, I’m used to watching people eat things that I can’t eat.”_

_Clarkes frown only grows and she unexpectedly pulls Lexa into a hug. “I wish you didn’t have to deal with that.”_

_Lexa starts, surprised as Clarke’s skin makes contact with her own, but immediately relaxes into the hug. “Honestly, don’t worry about it.”_

_Clarke pulls back suddenly, her hands sliding down Lexa’s arms as she backs away, making Lexa shiver. “So what_ can _we make?”_

_Lexa peers into Raven’s refrigerator. “Well, we could make bacon and eggs.”_

_Clarke nods enthusiastically. “Sure.” Her brow furrows. “I think that Monty is vegetarian though.”_

_“Oh.” Lexa thinks for a second. “Well, they could have cereal or granola or something instead of the bacon. I think I saw some in the pantry. There’s also yogurt.” She points into the open fridge._

_“Okay.” Clarke agrees. “Let’s get started, they probably will wake up soon.”_

_They begin by cleaning the pans they’re about to use because Lexa is paranoid about gluten cross contamination._

_“So,” Clarke cracks an egg into the now clean frying pan. “How long have you known you had celiac?”_

_Lexa grabs another pan and some oil for the bacon. “Well, I started having horrible gastrointestinal pain when I was about 8 or 9 years old. I didn’t tell anyone for a while because, well.” She gulps, not wanting to share that she’d been in foster care at that time. “Because it wasn’t the best situation and I also didn’t think it was abnormal.” She shrugs. “I guess I thought everyone had chronic constipation and stabbing pains in their gut after every time they ate.”_

_Clarke stares at her, open mouthed. “You thought that was normal? Oh my god I’m so sorry.” She frowns again and stirs in another egg. “I’m really sorry.”_

_Lexa laughs. “Honestly, I’m just glad I figured out what it was before my body got really damaged.”_

_“Me too.” Clarke says softly, flicking her eyes from the stove up to Lexa’s._

_“Hey nerds!” An obnoxiously loud voice interrupts their conversation and Clarke groans loudly._

_“Morning Raven.” Lexa says cheerily._

_Octavia shuffles into the kitchen, rubbing her bleary eyes and plopping onto a stool on the kitchen counter. “Coffee.” She grunts._

_Lexa is slightly alarmed but Clarke simply grabs a mug from the cupboard and starts pouring into it from the coffee maker which apparently she’d already had the foresight to turn on._

_“How was the rest of your night?” Raven looks at Lexa suggestively._

_“It was…” Lexa’s eyes dart to the back of Clarke’s head and then return to Raven’s own. “Really fun.” She doesn’t miss the smug look on Raven’s face._

_“Yeah I mean we basically just stayed and talked at the stadium for a while and then walked back here while still a little-” Clarke laughs “intoxicated.” She hands Octavia the steaming mug._

_“Oooh. Sounds romantic.” Raven wiggles her eyebrows._

_“Shut up.” Clarke scoffs as Lexa turns red and tries to hide her face._

_The smirk doesn’t leave Raven’s face. “So what are you making?”_

_“Bacon and eggs.” Lexa replies, flipping a sizzling strip of meat._

_“Yum.” Raven smiles pouring herself a glass of orange juice._

****

\--

****

****

Lexa snaps back to reality as coach Indra’s voice penetrates the locker room “You have two minutes to be upstairs and ready.”

 

Lexa hears some scattered groaning and the speed of the shuffling increases slightly. She exits her private changing room only to be greeted with the sight of Clarke’s rather beautiful ass clad only by a pink thong. Lexa gulps, averting her eyes as Clarke shimmies into her skin tight gym shorts. It would be very- inconvenient say the least, to be turned while she’s trying to run warm up laps.

 

She attempts to walk past without Clarke seeing her but the other girl calls her name just as she begins to ascend the stairs to the gym.

 

_Shit_

She crosses her hands in front of her crotch to conceal the tiny bit of arousal threatening to grow into a full on boner any second. 

 

“Wait! I’m almost done I just need to tie my shoes.” Clarke bends over and Lexa looks away again, not wanting to give her little friend any more encouragement.

 

“So, would you want to hang out after school maybe?” Clarke glances up hopefully.

 

“Yes.” Lexa blurts before she can even think. _Wait, does she have debate practice today?_ Her mind races rapidly. _No, not this Friday. Thank god._ She blows out a breath of relief. Nothing makes her more anxious than when she accidentally commits to being two places at once.

Clarke’s mouth breaks into a grin. “Cool. She straightens, having finished tying her shoes, gesturing up the stairs. “After you.”

 

Lexa giggles, blushing.

 

 

\--

 

 

After the final bell, Lexa rushes to the nearest bathroom because she’s worried about keeping Clarke waiting. She’s in the midst of undoing her tuck to go pee (which is a fucking pain in the ass) when she hears another person enter the bathroom. If this was a public women’s restroom, she’d probably be freaking out and deciding whether or not to wait it out in the stall until the other person left. But since it’s gender neutral, she’s not as anxious. No one would ever be able to tell her she was in the wrong bathroom here, even if they somehow figured out that she was a girl with a penis.

 

When she emerges from the stall she finds Raven washing her hands.

 

“Hey.”

 

Raven makes eye contact through the mirror. “Hey! How are you?”

 

Lexa makes her way to the other sink as she tries to think of a good reply. _Excited? Stressed? Apprehensive?_ “I’m alright, just a little tired.”

 

“I feel that.” Raven grimaces into the mirror, turning off the faucet. “I had a calculus test today and a test in engineering class tomorrow and I don’t think I’m ready.”

 

“Yeah.” Lexa sighs, staring at the reflection of her own slightly sleep deprived face. “I had a test today too. And I have a quiz on Friday and a paper due for English. And I’m supposed to be done writing my cases for debate by next week ugh. Honestly, how am I going to do it?” She asks rhetorically and Raven laughs.

 

“You know, if you ever need moral support, you’re welcome to join me, Octavia and Clarke on Tuesday nights at my house. We always hang out and, ah, sometimes do homework.” Lexa smiles, but shakes her head, feeling like this offer is one of pity and not one of genuine desire for her company.

 

“No we actually do get homework done!” Raven insists, misreading Lexa’s hesitance as skepticism about their study habits. “I promise. It’s been our thing for the past few years though, we get together and try to study and even if that doesn’t happen, we get to spend time together, blow off some steam,” She pauses, “Talk about people that annoy us.” She laughs again and Lexa joins her this time.

 

“Okay.”

 

Raven’s eyes light up. “Okay?” Meaning you’ll come next week?”

 

“Sure. As long as I’m not…” She trails off, trying to think of an appropriate word. “Intruding.”

 

“Lexa. You’re not intruding I literally invited you.” Raven rolls her eyes exasperatedly.

 

Lexa blushes faintly, stuttering a little over her next words. “I know! I know. I’m just…”

 

“The new kid?” Raven supplies.

 

Lexa glances up sharply. “Um. Yeah. I guess I am.”

 

Raven’s eyes soften. “Hey.” She reaches out and pats Lexa’s shoulder as Lexa is reaching for the paper towels. “I’ve been there. I was the new kid in eighth grade.” She grimaces, apparently not wanting to be reminded of that particular experience. She leans against the sink. “I was the disabled Mexican girl who was still in the closet, so needless to say it was a little hard to fit in.” She laughs and Lexa just looks down uncomfortably, gut clenching. Lexa knows what it’s like to be different.

 

“Anyway,” Raven continues, seeming to note Lexa’s sudden tenseness. “It sucked at first. But it gets better.” She shrugs. “And now I have the best friends and girlfriend I ever could have ever asked for.” She smiles at Lexa who tries to return it convincingly. Lexa knows deep down that she will make friends and start to feel comfortable eventually. It has even started to happen already. She’s still wary that the people that she’s known for the barely one month that she’s been here could turn out to be untrustworthy.

 

“Thanks Raven.” Lexa grins half-heartedly, knowing that Raven means well. “I have to go meet Clarke right now.”

 

Raven’s eyebrows jump and the corner of her mouth upturns into a smirk. “Have fun.” She winks.

 

“Fuck off!” Lexa scoffs at her as she exits the bathroom, only to find Clarke waiting by her locker, scrolling through her phone.

 

“Hey.” Lexa says breathlessly. “Sorry,” She gestures behind her to the bathroom, “I was talking to Raven.”

 

Clarke laughs, putting her phone away. “It’s okay! Are you ready?”

 

“Yeah.” Lexa smiles shyly. They turn together to walk the now familiar path out the doors to the parking lot.

 

Once they are in her car, Clarke hands Lexa the aux cord and she panics for a second because she doesn’t know if her music taste is… cool enough and she’s worried Clarke will make fun of her. Currently, her Spotify account is mainly romantic orchestral music from the 19th century. She’s a huge fan of Ravel and Mussorgsky, and she is almost certain that Clarke would not be. Thank god Clarke didn’t see her open the app on her phone and notice that the last song that had been playing was from an opera by Leoncavallo. She quickly turns the screen so Clarke can’t see.

 

“What kind of music do you listen to, Lexa?” Clarke asks as she backs the car out of the parking spot, abruptly honking at some asshole who cut her off while she was pulling out.

 

“Uh.” Lexa is at a loss for words. “I like…” She pauses, “classical.”

 

Clarke grins incredulously, “Wow are you serious? I never would have pegged you for being such a nerd.” She laughs. “Actually, I’m not _that_ surprised. You are kind of good at school.”

 

Lexa laughs nervously, easing the tension from her back muscles. “Thanks?”

 

“I’m serious.” Clarke nods emphatically, not taking her eyes from the road ahead. “A lot of people really struggle when they come to Ark from other schools because the way that they teach here is different and the workload is usually more intense. But you seem to be doing really well.”

 

Lexa stifles a giggle. Clarke thinks she’s _smart._ “I’m glad that my previous education prepared me well for this.”

 

Clarke rolls her eyes. “Just take the damn compliment Lexa.”

 

“Okay, okay!” the words rush out of Lexa’s mouth quickly. “Thank you.”

 

Clarke fiddles with the dial for the air conditioning. It shouldn’t be hot because it’s autumn, but the car has been sitting in the sunny parking lot all day and it is rather warm.

 

Clarke breaks the several moments of silence. “Are you going to play me something or…”

 

Lexa almost jumps out of her seat. “Right! Yes. I will.”

 

She scrolls through the playlist entitled “Not Classical” and again is grateful that Clarke can’t see what’s on her phone. She selects the Imogen Heap song “Let Go,” of which she’s always really liked the beat of and (she thinks) sounds the most similar to the pop that Clarke had been playing the last time they drove together. As the opening chords sound, she’s expecting Clarke to start talking, or at least to do something, not simply listen in silence. She’s even more self-conscious now because Clarke knows that she picked this song for a reason, and what if Clarke doesn’t like it? What if Clarke doesn’t think she’s worth hanging out with because she can’t sing along to the top 40 radio?

 

Surprisingly, Clarke starts bopping her head to the bassline as the chorus approaches and Lexa smiles quietly to herself. Well at least this hasn’t been a total failure.

 

“Who is this? I feel like I’ve heard this singer before.” Clarke’s eyes are furrowed in concentration as if she’s trying to remember how to say something that’s hovering on the edge of her tongue.

 

“It’s Imogen Heap.” Lexa answers. “It’s possible you remember her voice from the Shrek soundtrack, because she did a cover of ‘I need a Hero.’”

 

“Oh my god!” Clarkes eyes widen and she briefly glances at Lexa before returning her gaze to the road. “That’s totally what it’s from. I watched Shrek the other day when I was babysitting my 8-year-old neighbor Aden.”

 

Lexa smiles, relief washing over her now that she has Clarke’s approval.

 

Clarke suddenly bursts into a fit of laughter. “Do you remember when the fairy godmother sang I Need a Hero?”

 

Lexa giggles. “Yes. That was my favorite part of the second movie to be honest.” She frowns briefly. “Although I don’t remember it that well anymore; it’s been a while since I’ve seen it.”

 

“I’ve had to watch a ton of kids’ movies recently because of Aden.” Clarke lets out an exaggerated sigh. “That’s all he ever wants to do when I’m babysitting him because apparently I’m not fun to play with.”

 

Lexa makes a sad face that Clarke doesn’t see. “I think you’re fun to-” She stops, realizing what an awkward sentence this is going to be. “play with…”

 

“Wow, um, that was…. Sexual.” Clarke tries and fails to keep a straight face and Lexa glares at her, pouting.

 

“Hey,” Clarke posits in between giggles. “You set yourself up for that one.”

 

“Fair enough.” Lexa acquiesces. The song is about to end and Lexa worries briefly if she’s going to have to pick a new one.

 

“Can you play the song?”

 

“Wait what song?”

 

“I Need a Hero!”

 

“Wait which version?”

 

“Do they have the fairy godmother one?”

 

Lexa looks, but it’s not on Spotify. “No.”

 

Clarke’s face falls. “Damn. That’s okay just play the Imo what’s-her-name one.”

 

“It’s Imogen Heap” Lexa mutters quietly and Clarke just shoots her a half-assed glare, so she decides to just play the song. Next, at Clarke’s suggestion, she plays “I will Survive/I’m a Survivor (the glee mashup of course) which, unexpectedly, they both know really well.

 

Clarke makes a familiar turn and Lexa interrupts their loud singing to ask “Wait, what street do you live on?”

 

“Sally Ride Avenue. All the streets in this neighborhood are named after famous astronauts.” She explains. “Personally, I think it’s kind of dumb. But I guess better than Monty’s neighborhood where every street is named after an Ivy League college.”

 

Lexa laughs but quickly returns to the important conversation topic at hand. “Holy shit Clarke. I live on Mae Jemison Drive. Like one street over from you.”

 

Clarkes eyes widen in surprise and she takes her eyes off the road just long enough to give Lexa an incredulous glance. “How did we not know this before?”

 

“I don’t know. I guess it never came up.”

 

Clarke breaks into a grin. “This is so awesome! I can come over and bug you any time I want to.”

 

Lexa blushes and looks out the window. “I suppose you could do that.”

 

Clarke’s face shifts into concern. “Wait, you wouldn’t want me to?”

 

“Yes, oh my god Clarke, of course I would want you too. You know I don’t exactly have a lot of friends here yet.” She swallows. “I’m really glad you live close by.”

 

Clarke smiles in relief. “Me too.”

 

The song is ending and Lexa picks another one quickly from her playlist; “Finally” by Cece Peniston.   


As they pull into Clarke’s driveway she asks Lexa, “Have you seen the L Word? I’m pretty sure this song was playing during the scene when Dana and Alice finally got together.”

 

Lexa nods. “I remember! I loved that scene. Although the L word is kind of… trash.” She makes a face. “It was super biphobic and transphobic and almost all of the people of color on the show were sidekick characters.” She makes a face and Clarke’s eyes light up in agreement.

 

“Honestly! It’s the worst. I guess people could justify it being so problematic because it was made in a time where queer television was rarer than it is now.” Clarke shifts to park and turns off the car. “But yeah I watched it when I was a lot younger and just coming to terms with being bi, and like I remember this specific quote that someone said; ‘when are you going to make up your mind between dick and pussy?’” She makes air quotes around the last part of the sentence.

 

Lexa groans. “I remember that.”

 

“Right? And I heard that and I was like shit! I don’t need to ‘make up my mind’ because I know who I am. But then I was always worried people were going to judge me for it. Not to mention that whole statement is transphobic as fuck because its assuming that penis equals man and vagina equals woman which we all know is not true.”

 

Lexa feels joy and relief flood through her entire body. As soon as Clarke had mentioned the L word she became a little wary because she really had not liked the show, and she was worried that Clarke would defend it. She just never could quite connect to it the way she wanted to, because she had never seen herself in any of the queer cis women characters, and Max the trans man had been treated very badly by the show writers in her opinion.

 

She’s still in shock because she can’t believe Clarke basically read her mind. “Yes! I agree. I always felt bad shitting on the L word because it was a really influential and I guess even revolutionary show in its time, but like.” She pauses, chewing on her lip. “It’s not that great.”

 

Clarke laughs, agreeing. “It’s really not.”

 

She steps out of the car, motioning for Lexa to follow. “Do you want to meet my dog?”

 

Lexa jumps out of her seat in excitement. “Yes!” She follows Clarke up the steps of the garage into the house. The first thing she notices is that it smells like a mix of cinnamon and clean clothes. So _that’s_ why Clarke smells so good. Her laundry detergent is powerful. They step into the kitchen; all marble counters and sleek metal appliances that would look very intimidating if it weren’t such a mess. “Sorry it’s so messy.” Clarke apologizes immediately. “It’s been just me and my dad the past couple nights and neither of us ever clean anything…” She casts a rueful gaze around at the sink, piled high with dirty dishes, and the counter cluttered with innumerable papers, books, chargers and a very old looking laptop. She turns around suddenly and tells Lexa to stay where she is. Soon she comes back with a very adorable pug in her arms, who Lexa immediately begins to pet.

 

“His name is Sam.” Clarke smiles and Lexa laughs as he tries to lick her face. “Hi little dude. Aren’t you a cutie pie?” She scratches his ears and he attempts to wiggle out of Clarke’s arms in response. She drops him and he lands ungracefully on the wood floor, shaking his body quickly before jumping up to stretch on Lexa’s thighs. She leans over and pets the sides of his belly, talking to him in nonsense baby language.

 

Clarke giggles, “I didn’t know you liked dogs so much.”

 

Lexa continues to pet Sam, looking up abashedly. “I love dogs a lot but I can never have one because my sibling Anya is allergic.” She makes a disappointed face. “But I can enjoy other people’s dogs! Can’t I, Sammy?” She smiles down at him and resumes the ear scratching as he wags his tail excitedly.

 

Clarke regards her fondly. “I like people who like my dog.”

 

Lexa giggles. “I like people who like dogs.”

 

They stare at each other for a moment longer until Sam starts to bark because Lexa’s hand had stopped moving. She looks down at him sheepishly. “Sorry buddy.”

 

Clarke laughs and reaches down to give Sam a quick pat. “So what do you want to do?”

 

Lexa stands up. “I don’t know.” She bites her lip nervously. “Can I see your room?”

 

Clarke nods. “Sure! Although it’s a little messy I haven’t cleaned it in… well, you probably don’t want to know.”

 

Lexa giggles. “Clarke, you know I don’t mind.”

 

Clarke grins and grabs her hand, pulling her towards the stairwell. “Alright.”

 

They ascend the stairs quickly, Sam right on their toes, and Clarke leads Lexa to the second door on the left from the top of the stairs. She opens it, and Sam immediately runs in and jumps on the bed. As soon as Lexa can see through the doorway she gasps audibly. The walls are painted top to bottom with swirls of every color of the rainbow. The sun and moon leap out at her first, but she realizes that there are small images of everyday objects all around the walls in between splashes of color. She sees a car that resembles Clarke’s own, several trees that make up a tiny forest, a pair of very attractive lips that look suspiciously familiar, and an animal that she thinks is a moose. As she gets closer, she realizes that several of the larger parts of the painting are made up of smaller objects that appear to be human body parts. Intertwined arms form the torso of the deer, and upon closer inspection, a cupped palm makes up the half moon. She gazes at Clarke, eyes wide.

 

“You painted all of this?”

 

“Yeah.” Clarke looks down shyly. “I was going through so many canvases that it was becoming inconvenient to store them all, not to mention expensive.” She gazes around at their colorful surroundings. “So, my parents just let me start painting on the walls.”

 

“Holy shit.” Lexa is still in awe. She cannot believe how talented of an artist Clarke is. “Why the fuck are you TA-ing art I? You should be taking classes at a university or something.”

 

Clarke laughs. “Believe it or not, I actually like being a TA. I mean, I get to sit next to you.” She bumps Lexa’s hip playfully and Lexa turns red. “Also, I like having a lot of free time to draw what I want to draw. I’m not sure I want to take a super advanced art class because it’s sort of restrictive. Like you have to create what the professor wants you to, and I like having the freedom to use my own style.”

 

“I suppose that makes sense.” Lexa agrees. “Who’s lips are these?” She points to the wall.

 

“No one’s.” Clarke’s eyes dart nervously and Lexa can tell she’s lying.

 

“Mmhhmm, sure.” Lexa raises an eyebrow.

 

“Okay fine they’re Wells’ lips. He was a good model!” She throws her hands up and Lexa laughs. “Do you like drawing body parts?”

 

Clarke wiggles her eyebrows and Lexa lets out a giant exasperated sigh. “Not like thaaaat. Like, I’ve just noticed that a lot of your drawings are of the human body, or include parts of it.”

 

Clarke nods. “Actually yes. My favorite thing to draw is the human form.”

 

Lexa’s mouth quirks up. “That’s so amazing. You’re so talented.”

 

Clarke blushes. “Thanks.”

 

“Do you think you’ll go into art in college?”

 

“I have no idea.” Clarke frowns. “I want to, but my mom always tells me it’s not a viable career option. She thinks I should go to med school and become a doctor.”

 

Lexa scowls. “That’s a fucking bullshit you should do what you want.”

 

Clarke flops herself down on the bed stomach first, laughing. “I know! I’m not going to worry about it right now though. I have time, right?”

 

Lexa joins her, perching stiffly on the very edge of the mattress. “Yeah, you’ve got time.” She reaches over to pet Sam’s belly. “I guess I do too.”

 

Clarke turns over, looking up at her with eyebrows quirked and Lexa’s stomach twists at how cute she looks. “What do you want to do when you get older?”

 

“I have no idea either.” Lexa gulps. “I’m so scared of the future.”

 

Clarke grabs Lexa’s arms and pulls her down next to her on the pillow so they are now gazing up at the ceiling, painted black and covered in silver stars. “Me too.”

 

 

\--

 

 

 

About five minutes after Lexa saw Clarke’s room, they had decided to go downstairs and play Mario kart. Clarke’s dad comes home around 6 with takeout (from a gluten free restaurant because Clarke had warned him that Lexa was coming over) and they all eat together. She learns that Abby is at a conference in another town and that Clarke’s dad is a total goofball. When he isn’t teasing Clarke about her latest obsession with the new Tegan and Sara album, he asks Lexa about debate and how she’s adjusting, and he seems to genuinely be interested. After they help him clean up dinner, he goes upstairs to his office and the two girls stay in the living room.

 

“What do you want to do?” Clarke asks.

 

“I don’t know. I’m indecisive you decide.”

 

“I don’t know either!”

 

Lexa giggles. “Why are we like this?”

 

Clarke fights a smile under her fake pouty face. “I don’t know.”

 

They are both silent for a moment, staring at each other.

 

“Okay that’s it!” Clarke gets up. “Let’s watch a movie.” She meanders around the mess of papers that is the coffee table to grab the remote. “I have netflix, let’s watch something gay.”

 

Lexa shoves her face in her hands and looks through the cracks of her fingers at Clarke, who is smirking.

 

“What?” The smug expression doesn’t leave her face. “If you’re not going to decide, then I guess that leaves me no choice.”

 

Lexa rolls her eyes. “Whatever you say.”

 

Clarke turns on the TV.

 

“Wait.”

 

“What?” Clarke’s eyebrows quirk.

 

“Won’t your dad hear it?”

 

“Yeah.” Clarke shrugs.

 

“And he won’t, like, get mad at you?”

 

Clarke gives Lexa a strange look. “No?”

 

“Oh.” Lexa relaxes back into the couch. “I don’t know I was just worried, like even though my dad tells me he’s fine with me being gay, he gets uncomfortable if I’m too, like, vocal about it.”

 

Clarke’s eyes shine with concern. “That’s really shitty Lexa.” She rubs Lexa’s knee and scoots closer until their thighs are touching. “I’m sorry. My parents are like so supportive it’s kind of annoying. Like they offer to buy me rainbow shoes and take me to pride and stuff.” She laughs.   
“It’s nice but sometimes I wish they were a little more discreet. I mean, like being bi doesn’t define me, you know?”

 

“Yeah I know.” Lexa’s stomach twists in discomfort. _You should tell her._ She ignores the little voice in the back of her head and instead asks, “How did you come out?”

 

Clarke laughs. “Actually, funny story.” She types ‘gay and lesbian’ into the search bar and starts scrolling through the movie selections. “I was like 13 years old, and it was the summer before freshman year. I knew that I liked boys, and I had dated a few during middle school, so I assumed I was straight. But,” She pauses dramatically. “There was this girl at art camp.”

 

Lexa snorts. “There always is.”

 

“Fuck off!” Clarke shoves her, laughing. “Anyway, her name was Lindsey, and she was the most beautiful person I had ever laid eyes on up until this point.” Clarke pauses, “Keep in mind I was only 13.”

 

Lexa smirks. She knows where this story is going. She could probably tell it herself. “Continue.”  


“I am!” Clarke scrunches her nose. “Be patient. Okay so anyway, we were in the same bunk, and she was hella talented.”

 

“Just like you,” Lexa interjects and Clarke’s face burns.

 

“Right. Ah,” She stutters. “Where were we?”

 

“You were just about to have your Sapphic sexual awakening.” Lexa prompts.

 

“Yes!” Clarke grins. “Okay so, this camp was like 3 weeks long, and we got very close by the end of it. We’d hang out every day, go swimming in the lake together, eat meals together, and we’d sometimes stay up talking past curfew.”

 

Lexa nods, excited to hear the conclusion of this story.

 

“It was the last night before camp ended and we’d been hanging out together almost the whole day. By this point I knew I was into her as more than a friend, but I still kind of had yet to accept what that would mean. And I was really nervous because I had no idea if she felt the same way. Anyway. I was going to tell her before we went to bed but I chickened out, and then it was curfew and I figured I’d lost my chance. But then she woke me up at like midnight saying she wanted to show me something. So we snuck out of the cabin into the woods really quietly because we weren’t supposed to leave after lights out. And then she took me to this rock overlooking the lake and the night was so clear you could see the reflections of the moon and stars in the water. And she was like ‘isn’t it beautiful?’ and I decided right then, “fuck it it’s the last day of camp what if I never see her again?’” Clarke’s eyes are set on a point above Lexa’s head in reminiscence. “And I said ‘you’re beautiful’ and I kissed her.”

 

“Aaaah!” Lexa squeals, squeezing her cheeks with her hands. “That’s so cute!”

 

Clarke’s face turns a deeper shade of red. “Shut up.”

 

“So what happened? Did she kiss you back?” Lexa asks eagerly.

 

“Yeah, she did.” Clarke smiles. “We spent that entire night in the woods making out and talking, and no one found out that we had left the cabin. We snuck back in around 6 am, and I fell asleep in her bed. And the counselors found us like that in the morning.”

 

Lexa lets out a surprised bark of laughter. “Oh my god?”

 

Clarke laughs. “I know, it looked pretty suspicious. But I just said that she had been having a nightmare and I slept with her to comfort her and they totally bought it. Heteronormativity, my friend. No one even bats an eye.

 

Lexa frowns. “You’re right about that.”

 

Clarke lowers one side of her mouth into a displeased expression. “Anyway.” She has now completely forgotten that she had been looking for gay movies and is regarding Lexa with an intense, unreadable expression. “So how did you come out?”

 

Lexa looks away, swallowing uneasily. “Um.”

 

“You don’t have to tell me if you’re not comfortable.” There is such a compassionate softness in Clarke’s eyes that Lexa feels like she is about to melt.

 

“I know.” Lexa grabs the remote. “I want to tell you, but can we watch a movie first?”

 

“Sure.” Clarke’s eyes return to the TV.

 

They choose a film that neither of them have seen before but have heard good reviews about on the internet; “I Can’t Think Straight.” Both of them are somewhat confused at the beginning because they aren’t sure which characters are related to each other and how, but they figure it out soon enough.

 

“Let’s make a bet about when they kiss.” Clarke whispers.

 

Lexa laughs. “Okay I bet it’s going to happen within the next 15 minutes.”

 

“Really? I think it’ll happen in less than 5 minutes.”

 

“No way.” Lexa shakes her head vehemently. “It’s totally going to take longer than that, they’ve only known each other for like a week!”

 

Not even two minutes later, the two women enter a hotel room together and music starts playing.

 

“Its gonna happen.” Clarke says.

 

“No.”

 

“Yes it is!” Clarke points at the screen. “Look she’s dancing, and, holy shit, they’re dancing together!”

 

The dancing quickly turns into grinding and finally their lips are touching.

 

“HAH I win the bet!” Clarke shoves Lexa, grinning triumphantly.

 

Lexa scowls, crossing her arms across her chest. “This is way too soon they barely even know each other!”

 

“It’s not _that_ soon.” Clarke argues. “Like, there has definitely been sexual tension leading up to this.”

 

“Okay, I’ll give you that. But still,” Lexa crosses her legs. “It seems too soon.”

 

Soon the scene progresses into a full blown sex scene; shots of lips on skin, bodies moving together and Lexa tries to suppress it but she can’t help getting aroused. She looks down at her lap and to her horror realizes the tent in her sweatpants is totally visible. She looks around frantically, trying not to alert Clarke, and grabs the hoodie she had discarded earlier and shoves it in her lap. There. Now Clarke won’t know that the stupid sex scene turned her on.

 

When the scene ends, Clarke nudges her, whispering, “Are you cold? Do you need a blanket?”

 

Lexa is glad that it’s too dark in the living room for Clarke to see her red face. “No I’m-” She realizes that if she says she isn’t then she’ll have to explain why there’s a sweatshirt in her lap “-yeah I’m a little cold, that’d be great, Clarke.”

 

“Okay.” The other girl smiles at her and exits the couch to find a blanket. Lexa can’t help but stare at the backs of her bare legs, clad only in shorts, as she walks away. Unfortunately, this increases the blood that’s flowing to the place that she really wishes it wouldn’t go.

 

Clarke returns with a blanket and cuddles closer to Lexa so they can both fit under it. Lexa is hyperaware of every inch of skin that is touching Clarke, even if there are two layers of clothing between them. She hopes that the burning of her cheeks and the throbbing between her legs will dissipate, preferably sooner rather than later. She starts to get hot under the blanket but she can’t tell Clarke that she’s not actually cold, because then she’ll have no excuse for the hoodie in her lap. She fidgets uncomfortably and Clarke eventually looks over at her. “Are you okay?

 

“Yeah.” Lexa says, her breathing slightly labored. “I gotta go pee.”

 

“Okay I’ll pause it.” Clarke moves the blanket so Lexa can get up.

 

Lexa maneuvers carefully so that Clarke can only see her backside so as not to draw attention to what’s going on in the front. As she makes her way to the bathroom, she hears Clarke get up and start banging around some pots and pans. She wonders what Clarke is doing.

 

As soon as the bathroom door closes, she leans against it, dropping the sweatshirt she’d been holding and pulls down her pants, freeing her dick. She looks down at it, and rather than feeling dysphoric, she mostly is just annoyed. _Why do you gotta inconvenience me like this?_

 

“Hey Lexa!” Clarke yells from the other room, and Lexa jumps in surprise, hastily pulling her pants up, then realizing what a pointless gut reaction that had been because there’s no way Clarke could even see her.

 

“What?” She calls back.

 

“Do you like popcorn?”

 

“Yeah.”

 

“Okay I’m making some.”

 

“Cool I’ll be out in a minute.” Lexa hears the popcorn maker turn on and realizes that it will cover any noises she might make in the bathroom for the 3 minutes or so. She makes a split-second decision.

 

Quickly moving to the toilet so she can’t see herself in the mirror (because that’s just weird), she pulls down her underwear all the way and grabs her dick. She stifles a groan because it’s already painfully hard and she can tell this isn’t going to take very long. She tries not to picture anything in her head and just let the sensations overwhelm her, but before long her mind is drifting to the soft pale skin, curvy ass and heart-stopping cleavage of the girl who is standing approximately 20 feet away from her through the bathroom door. She bucks her hips and increases the pace. She imagines what it would feel like to touch Clarke’s gorgeous breasts, the face Clarke would make if Lexa squeezed her nipples, and that’s all it takes to send her over the edge. Luckily she’d had the foresight to hold some tissue paper in her left hand to catch all of the cum (because _that_ is not something she would prepared to explain to Clarke). Literally 4 seconds later, the popcorn machine whirs to a halt and Lexa gulps. If she’d have taken any longer…. She doesn’t let herself go there. The problem has been taken care of and now she can cuddle with Clarke in peace.

 

She washes her hands and leaves the bathroom just as Clarke is walking into the living room with a giant purple bowl of popcorn. “I put a little too much butter in it, I hope that’s alright.”

 

Lexa laughs. “I love butter, it’s totally fine.”

 

“Okay I was worried you were strict about your diet or something because you’re so toned.”

 

Lexa blushes a deep shade of crimson. “You think I’m toned?”

 

“Duh.” Clarke hums.

 

Lexa hides her face behind her (apparently) toned left arm. “Thanks.” She whispers back. It’s slightly muffled and Clarke just laughs. She plops herself down on the couch with the popcorn and holds the blanket up, patting the couch next to her. “Come cuddle with me.” She pouts and Lexa’s heart stops because how could she ever resist an offer like that? She is certain that Clarke Griffin is going to be the death of her.

 

 

\--

 

 

After the movie ends, they’re lying beside each other on the reclined couch, bodies intertwined, Lexa’s head resting on Clarke’s chest. She can feel Clarke’s heart beating through the thin material of her shirt and she can feel the warmth Clarke’s arm that’s circled behind her head and the hand that’s gently rubbing her back. She feels incredibly content, and yet she’s still worried that the other shoe will drop and she’ll find out that Clarke was never who Lexa thought she was. But honestly, in this moment, Lexa could care less.

 

“I’ll tell you my coming out story now, if you want.”

 

“Yes, Lexa, of course I want to hear it.” Clarke murmurs. “But only if you’re sure.”

 

“I’m sure.”

 

Clarke only nods in response and the only reason Lexa knows that is because she feels Clarke’s chin rise and fall, barely tickling her hairline.

 

Lexa takes a deep breath and before she can stop herself, before she can convince herself that this is a terrible idea, she sits up abruptly, finding Clarke gazing at her with wide eyes.

 

“Do you remember when I had a panic attack?”

 

“How could I forget?”

 

Lexa sighs again. “There was a reason.”

 

Clarke rolls her eyes. “Of course there was, I mean it must have been terrifying to come to a new school and have some random girl spill coffee on you.”

 

“No,” Lexa interrupts, more harshly than she intended, and Clarke’s eyes widen again. “I mean, that was part of it but no, there was a more important reason.”

 

Clarke waits.

 

“The reason why I was so terrified about going to gym was because I thought the locker rooms would be gendered.”

 

Clarke cocks her head in confusion but waits for Lexa’s explanation.

 

“And the reason I was so scared of that is because.” She squeezes her eyes shut and tilts her head backwards slightly. _Why is this still so hard to say out loud?_

 

She backtracks. “Do you remember that anti-trans hate crime that happened in Polis a few months ago? The one where 3 boys beat up a trans student and vandalized their locker with slurs?”

 

Clarke nods slowly. “Yeah, I remember hearing about that.” She grimaces. “That’s so fucking awful.”

 

“Yeah…” Lexa trails off. “Well, that student,” She lets out a huge breath. “That was me. I’m transgender.”

 

Clarke’s expression doesn’t change, she merely nods.

 

“Okay.”

 

“Okay?” Lexa’s panicking. How is this not a big deal to her?

 

“Oh god, Lexa. I feel horrible for what happened. I’m so fucking angry at what those guys did to you.” Clarke’s jaw clenches in a way that Lexa has never seen before. “I can’t believe they didn’t get punished with anything more than detention. If I had my way…” She trails off and Lexa is in awe.

She feels rushing in her ears. _This was too easy there’s no way she accepts you._

Suddenly she feels warm, soft hands cupping her face. “Hey.” Clarke’s blue eyes seem to permeate deep into her soul. “This doesn’t change anything Lexa. Honestly. Thank you for being brave enough to tell me.” She removes her hands but the stare remains. “You know, like half of my friends aren’t cis, and I literally go to a school where preferred pronouns are required on ID’s. Did you really think I wouldn’t accept you?” She smiles. “I’m really proud of you.”

 

Lexa feels tears forming in her eyes and before she can stop herself she’s collapsing into Clarke’s chest, unable to control the sobs that begin to overtake her. Clarkes arms snake around her back, rubbing comforting circles as Lexa’s body shakes.

 

“Clarke?”

 

“Yeah?”

 

“You know why I still have a hard time believing everyone here is accepted for who they are at this school? Because I never was.” Her sobs continue and her shoulder shake under Clarke’s firm, comforting embrace.

 

“I’m so sorry.” Clarke murmurs.

 

They remain like this for several minutes. In fact, Lexa has no idea how long it actually is, but she eventually raises her head to make eye contact with Clarke. “Thank you.”

 

She can tell she doesn’t need to say any more than that, all of the _I was scared’s_ and _I sometimes still think I’m a freak’s_ and _I thought you’d see me differently’s_ are contained within that simple statement.

 

Clarke actually laughs. “Of course.”

 

Lexa hugs her.

 

“Don’t you have a coming out story to tell me?”

 

Lexa’s tear stained face lights up in a grin. “I guess I do. Sorry we got derailed.”

 

Clarke rolls her eyes. “Don’t apologize. Just get on with it I want to know about your first girl crush.”

 

Lexa smiles and launches into the story. “Well, I guess I have to start with my first coming out.” She smirks. “Oh, the joys of not being straight _or_ cis.”

 

Clarke giggles. “Amen to that.”

 

“Well.” Lexa fiddles with the blanket in her hand. “I knew I was a girl since I was about 5 or 6 years old. My parents used to give me buzz cuts and force me to wear these horrible khakis and polos. I grew up thinking that they were the ones who were confused, because obviously I was a girl and they were just delusional.” She sighs. “But as I got older, I realized that no one else saw me as a girl either. I got really depressed because I thought I could never become who I really saw myself as, because I didn’t know being trans was even a possibility.”

 

She shrugs. “But then I saw this documentary in an airport; I think it was called “Growing Up Trans,” and I saw a little girl just like me. Everyone thought she was a boy but she knew in her heart that she was a girl.” Lexa shifts so she’s seated across from Clarke on the couch. “I freaked the fuck out, obviously.” Lexa laughs. “I told my parents, and they denied that any of it was real. They told me I could never be a woman.”

 

Clarke’s hand reaches out for Lexa’s comfortingly, concern shining in her features. “I was 9 when they left me in foster care.” She takes a halting breath. “I wouldn’t stop talking about being a girl and they just couldn’t handle the fact that their son was actually their daughter. So I went into the foster care system. It was really hard then too because I would present as female, but the social workers would always introduce me by my birth name and call me ‘he.’” She shudders, and Clarke’s fingers rub comforting circles on her palms. “I finally got into a home with Gustus, who’s my adoptive father now. Anya was also living with him at the time and we became very close. They both helped me change my name legally, start puberty blockers, and then hormones when I was old enough. And now here I am.” Lexa smiles genuinely, and Clarke returns it.

 

“Wait I have a question.”

 

“Sure.” Lexa is slightly apprehensive. What if Clarke asks something inappropriate? Lexa’s pretty sure she won’t but she’s been disappointed before so she keeps her guard up.

 

“Is Lexa short for something, like Alexandra, or Alexa? Because I’ve never heard of anyone named that before. It’s a really cool name, by the way.”

 

Lexa flushes. “Thanks. And no its not short for anything. It’s actually sort of culturally significant for me.” She shifts on the couch so she’s not making eye contact with Clarke but she can still feel Clarke’s eyes on her. “My family is from the Czech Republic, and the name is of Czech origin. I picked it before my parents kicked me out, obviously. But I kept it because of my grandmother. She was one of the only adults that ever supported me.” Lexa’s eyes gloss over in thought. “Whenever she came to visit, she’d always let me play with her makeup and she’d buy me girl clothes in secret.”  


Clarke’s eyes crinkle as she smiles. “That’s so sweet Lexa.”

 

“Yeah.” Lexa says wistfully.

 

“Where is she now?”

 

Lexa’s breath halts a little bit. “She died when I was 7.”

 

Clarke’s hands are gripping Lexa’s own once more. She doesn’t say anything and that’s how Lexa knows how much she cares.

 

Lexa turns her head towards Clarke, their hands still connected. “Can we talk about something else?”

 

“Of course.”

 

“Where was I with my coming out stories?”

 

Clarke snorts. “I think you were at the part where you were going to talk about girls.”

 

Lexa shoots her the side eye and she giggles.

 

“Okay fine! As for my sexuality,” Lexa concedes. “I always knew I liked girls. I had a crush on my 3rd grade teacher.” She laughs.

 

“Honestly, same.” Clarke smirks. “Ms. Roberts was my sexual awakening.”

 

Lexa shoves her, smiling in exasperation. “Gross! You must have been like 7!”

 

“8.” Clarke retorts pointedly. “Anyway, continue.”

 

Lexa rolls her eyes. “Alright. So I always liked girls, and before I knew what trans was, I figured I was just a straight boy. And when I started my transition, I was focusing so hard on being a girl that I didn’t really give a second thought to my sexuality until I was about 14.” She squints her eyes, trying to remember. “But then I met this girl in science class.”

 

Clarke simply laughs. “This sounds awfully familiar.”

 

“Shut up!” Lexa giggles. “There was this girl and her name was Costia. I really fell hard for her.” She sighs in reminiscence. “She was beautiful, confident, talented and I would stare at the back of her head every day. We became friends and I realized that my wild desire to be close to her had very little to do with wanting to be her friend.” Lexa laughs. “This is very similar to your story.”

 

Clarke nods, smiling. “It is.”

 

“I never told her what I felt for her, because I was too afraid of the rejection. Honestly I still regret that.” Lexa grimaces. “But yeah, because of her, I realized I liked women. Nothing really happened when I started to come out though. Nearly everyone at school knew I was trans but not all of them accepted me as a girl, so it didn’t really come as a surprise to them that I liked girls, since they saw me as a boy.” She scowls. “I’m really glad that I don’t go to that school anymore.”

 

“Me too.” Clarke’s eyes find hers. “That must have been so hard, I can’t even imagine.”

 

Lexa gulps. “Yeah. Parts of it were… pretty rough. I’m just so grateful that I got adopted by Gustus.” Clarke squeezes her hand.

 

“Honestly, he saved my life. I probably would have killed myself if I started going through puberty without hormone replacement therapy.”

 

Clarke’s eyes are shining with tears. “I’m so glad you didn’t.” She leans in and kisses Lexa’s forehead. Lexa’s emotions are overwhelming, but mostly she just feels incredibly blessed to have Clarke’s acceptance, Clarke’s warm arms around her, and the ghost of her kiss still etched upon her forehead. She’s still wary, of course she is, she always is. And she doesn’t think being friends with Clarke will change her guarded ways. But maybe, just maybe she can start to love herself in the way that she’d always wished she had.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> disclaimer: the movie “i can’t think straight” isn’t on netflix for streaming rip. it worked for the storyline okay and i was too lazy to rewrite it once i found out this information. 
> 
> anyways i hope you liked this chapter! thanks for reading <3


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> octaven fights and makes up, and lexa finally starts to feel like she has friends

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is angsty but it gets resolved fast ok. also as you may have noticed i've finally mapped out all of the chapters and i think there will be 5 more. this could change lol but yeah. im so sorry for the 40k words of slow burn i promise you will be rewarded soon ;) enjoy
> 
> tw vomit mention

Clarke had offered to walk Lexa home after they both became too tired to function properly, but Lexa had refused, insisting that she didn’t want to inconvenience Clarke, and Clarke acquiesced when she realized that Lexa probably needed to recharge and be alone after all the emotional sharing that had occurred. Clarke did make Lexa promise to text her when she got home, and Lexa agreed.

 

After Lexa leaves, Clarke can’t decide what to do with herself. She begins pacing around the house aimlessly, Sam close on her heels, probably hoping that Clarke would take him on a walk.

 

“Sam we’re not going out.” He continues to wag his tail and gaze up at her hopefully. She rolls her eyes and continues to pace, thinking.

 

Clarke is incredibly surprised, but also delighted by the amount of information Lexa had shared with her. Unfortunately, this only increases her attraction to the ever mysterious, and still breathtakingly beautiful girl. Clarke is quite thrilled that Lexa had chosen to trust her with a secret that important, but she’s a little surprised that Lexa hadn’t told anyone else. Clarke, of course, would never tell anyone without Lexa’s permission, but she’s absolutely certain that every single one of their friends would be supportive. She wonders why Lexa seems so afraid all of the time and it causes a little pang in her chest when she realizes that it’s probably because Lexa has always had a reason to be wary. Her fear had probably kept her alive. She’s been fighting her whole life just to be herself, and she’s hardly ever had anyone validate her identity, and Clarke can’t imagine how horrible that must be. Clarke aches to hold her again; to tell her how beautiful she is and how proud of her Clarke is.

 

Clarke shakes her head, stopping in her tracks so suddenly that Sam bangs his head on her lower calf. He looks up at her indignantly and promptly sneezes. She smiles and kneels down to rub his ears. “Sam, what is this feeling, huh buddy?” He licks her nose.

 

Clarke knows he can’t answer her, but unfortunately neither can she. She supposes that it’s mostly a wild desire to be around this girl every waking moment coupled with uncontrollable urges to reach out and stroke her hair back from her face or grab her hand and squeeze it. Clarke doesn’t know what it means. With Finn it had been so simple. His attraction to her had been obvious, and he had made the first move. She never worried about deserving him, and she never worried about disappointing him. His love was like a warm gentle summer breeze caressing her face; sweet, welcome, and like it could make her forget that anything bad could happen. She’d fucked it all up and she knows she’ll never get that kind of uncomplicated love again. A person as wonderful and brave as Lexa deserves someone undamaged by guilt and heartbreak. She doesn’t deserve Lexa, not like that anyway.

 

She’s distracted from her quickly spiraling brain by the ding of her phone.

 

 **Lexa (1:18 am):** I’m home :)

 

 **Clarke Griffin (1:19 am):** yayy

 

 **Lexa (1:21 am):** Thanks for having me over, I had a lot of fun

 

 **Lexa (1:21 am):** Also I know you know this already but like, don’t tell anyone about what I told you okay?

**Lexa (1:23 am):** Claaaarke

 

 **Clarke Griffin (1:26 am):** omg sorry i was distracted by my dog he started barking.

 

 **Clarke Griffin (1:26 am):** of course i wont tell anyone!!!!!!!

 

 **Lexa (1:27 am):** Okay :)

 

 **Lexa (1:28 am):** I was just a little scared. You know I’ve never really told one person all of my secrets in one night lol

 

 **Clarke Griffin (1:29 am):** haha i know the feeling. now we’re even ;)

 

 **Clarke Griffin (1:29 am):** but i promise u can trust me

 

 **Clarke Griffin (1:32 am):** do u believe me

 

 **Lexa (1:35 am):** Yes

 

 **Clarke Griffin (1:35 am):** good

 

 **Clarke Griffin (1:36 am):** i have a question for u

 

 **Lexa (1:37 am):** What is it?

 

 **Clarke Griffin (1:37am):** do u want to carpool 2 school w me on monday?

 

 **Lexa (1:38 am):** Are you sure? I don’t want to make you go out of your way.

 

 **Clarke Griffin (1:39 am):** lex u literally live like 2 mins away its not out of my way at all. it will save gas, ur dad wont have to get up early, i get to see u bright and early ;)

 

 **Clarke Griffin (1:39 am):** it’s a win win

**Lexa (1:40 am):** Haha okay sure. I’ll see you at like 8 on Monday then?

 

 **Clarke Griffin (1:40 am):** lol i usually leave at like 8:15 but i’ll come early just for u

 

 **Lexa (1:41 am):** Oh no, I wouldn’t want to derail your “I’m too cool to be on time” vibes.

 

 **Clarke Griffin (1:42 am):** uMM rude

 

 **Clarke Griffin (1:42 am):** i’ll have u know that its not a vibe it’s a lifestyle

 

 **Clarke Griffin (1:42 am):** u wouldn’t understand

 

 **Lexa (1:43 am):** Haha I’m sure I wouldn’t seeing as I’m like never late to anything ever…

 

 **Clarke Griffin (1:43 am):** hmmm sounds fake but okay

 

 **Lexa (1:44 am):** ???

 

 **Clarke Griffin (1:44 am):** u were late to the pregame 2 weeks ago

 

 **Lexa (1:45 am):** Okay true… But I had a good reason

 

 **Clarke Griffin (1:45 am):** mmhhmm

 

 **Lexa (1:46am):** ????????  


**Clarke Griffin (1:46 am):** night nigjt lexie ;))))))

 

 **Clarke Griffin (1:47 am):** sweet dreams

 

 **Lexa (1:48 am):** Goodnight Clarke

 

 

 

//

 

 

Clarke wakes up 45 minutes earlier than she usually does on Monday morning, at 7:15 instead of 8, so she can have time to get her shit together and actually be punctual picking up Lexa. She normally dresses at lightning speed, throws on some haphazard eyeliner and grabs a protein bar so she can be out the door 15 minutes after she wakes up. But today, she takes extra time getting ready so that she won’t make Lexa late and have her change her mind about carpooling with Clarke. She also tries extra hard on her makeup and makes sure to brush her teeth (which she doesn’t always have time to do). She had even cleaned her car the day before for the first time since she got it which, admittedly, was only at the beginning of the summer.  

 

This is all about wanting Lexa to feel comfortable, she tells herself as she swipes on some lip gloss. She doesn’t want Lexa to be grossed out by the usual pig sty state of herself and her car. But Clarke’s not trying to impress her, she tells herself; she’s only trying to make her feel welcome.

 

At 7:50, she texts Lexa that she’s leaving the house but Lexa doesn’t respond. She leaves anyway, pulling halfway into Lexa’s driveway, next to the large aspen tree that shades the front half of the property.

 

She glances at her phone to see if Lexa is on her way.

 

 **Lexa (7:52am):** Sorry give me like 2 minutes I need to brush my teeth.

 

Clarke smirks. She had accomplished her goal.

 

 **Clarke Griffin (7:53am):** no worries :)

 

Lexa bursts through her front door, holding her backpack in one hand and a sweatshirt in her other one, her face tinted slightly pink, and even though she’s kind of frazzled and tired looking, Clarke’s stomach can’t help but jolt at the sight of her. Lexa opens the car door and plops in at exactly 7:56 am.

 

“I wasn’t expecting you to be this early.” It seems nonchalant but Clarke can tell there’s a playful edge to Lexa’s words. Clarke decides to tease her a little bit.

 

“You didn’t expect me to be here this early because I’m, and I quote, ‘never on time’?” She raises her left hand in air quotations as her other hand turns the key in the ignition.

 

Lexa’s face flushes a deeper red. “Well, your track record isn’t exactly great.”

 

“You’ve known me for like a month. How can you have an accurate track record?” Clarke scoffs.

 

“You’d be surprised what you can learn from someone in such a short amount of time, Clarke.” Lexa responds cryptically. Clarke doesn’t think she wants to analyze what that means, so she quickly changes the subject.

 

“Look in the backseat.”

 

“What?” Lexa’s brow furrows in confusion.

 

“Just look.”

 

Lexa twists her torso backwards so she can get a good view and to her surprise, there are two muffins sitting in light brown paper bag. She reaches out for them cautiously and Clarke watches her out of the corner of her eye.   


“These are for me?” Lexa asks.

 

“Yeah, I just thought,” Clarke swallows, suddenly embarrassed. “I just thought you might not have had time to eat since I came so early.”

 

“That’s so sweet Clarke, but you know I can’t eat th-”

 

“Yeah you can! They’re gluten free, made in a gluten free facility and everything. I checked with the owner before I bought them.” She proclaims proudly. “I went to this café called Deja Brew and they have a section of the menu they call ‘Gluten-Freedom,’” She laughs. “Have you been there before? They have a really great gluten free stuff and it’s all safe for Celiac’s, I checked.” And double checked, and maybe tripled checked for good measure. She tries not to let on how much effort it had been for her to find gluten free muffins. She hadn’t previously realized how many things gluten is actually in, and the careful preparation that is needed in order to make sure the food is completely free of cross contamination.

 

Lexa’s face forms a curious, unreadable expression and if Clarke didn’t know better, she’d think that Lexa was about to cry.

 

“Are… you okay?” Clarke inquires, searching Lexa’s face.

 

“I’m fine!” She responds a little too quickly. “I just can’t believe you’d do this for me. And that you remembered?” She sucks in a deep breath. “Thank you.” She says sincerely, her green gaze shifting up to Clarke’s own.

 

“You’re welcome.” Clarke flashes her a quick smile before shifting the car to reverse. “Now we should go otherwise I got up early for nothing.” Lexa laughs and Clarke’s heart swells as she backs out of the driveway, happy that she could prove Lexa’s importance to her. 

 

They talk about their weekends as Clarke maneuvers along the familiar path to Ark High School. All Clarke really did was draw and take Sam on a few walks. She tells Lexa that she started binge watching How to Get Away with Murder, but she can’t decide if she likes it or not. It’s a little bit graphic on the violence side.

 

Lexa apparently studied all day Saturday and Sunday because she had gotten so behind thanks to debate. She’d also worked with Emori on said debate case, and Clarke got to hear all of her complaints about the partnership.

 

“It’s just like, I know she has a certain way of organizing it but my way is different! And better.” Lexa huffs, crossing her arms over her chest.

 

Clarke snorts. “I’m sure it is.”

 

Lexa shoots her a dirty look.

 

“Sorry.” Clarke giggles. “It sucks she won’t do things your way.” Clarke reasons. “I can’t stand it when people won’t listen to me in group projects. I always end up being taking a leadership position, but then that means taking responsibility for other people’s shit, which I hate.”

 

“Exactly!” Lexa’s voice is a little higher and louder than normal due to her current agitated state. “I don’t want to be penalized if she puts all of our fucking affirmative research in the negative case and I can’t find it during the debate.”

 

When they reach a stop light, Clarke makes a pouty face at her. “I’m sorry. That really sucks.”

 

Lexa sighs. “It’s fine, its fine, we’ll figure it out eventually. I just wish that she wouldn’t fuck up my system.”

 

Clarke nods in empathy.

 

“Hey Clarke?”

 

“Mmm?” Clarke hums, not looking up from the road.  


“Do you…” She swallows, and Clarke wonders why she seems so hesitant. “Do you want to come to my debate tournament on Friday?” Lexa inquires shyly.

 

Clarke doesn’t hesitate. “Um, obviously.” She grins.

 

“Wait, are you sure because it could get a little boring and I know it’s not really your thing and-”

 

Clarke’s warm hand is suddenly on Lexa’s thigh, effectively shutting her up.

 

Clarke gazes at Lexa’s slightly parted lips and wide eyes in what she hopes is a sincere way. “It’s you Lexa, of course I want to come.” Lexa gulps audibly and Clarke silently berates herself. Maybe she’s being too forward.

 

“Really?”

 

Clarke rolls her eyes. “Yes.”

 

“Okay.” Lexa smiles happily, and Clarke doesn’t notice the faint tinge in her cheeks or the restless way her hands refuse to settle for the rest of the ride.

 

 

//

 

 

In art class, Jaha announces that today is a free day; that they can draw/paint whatever comes to mind. Lexa doesn’t seem to thrilled at this prospect and Clarke notices her glancing around nervously while Jaha is still talking, seemingly trying to find inspiration from the other students sitting nearby.

 

“Hey Lexa,” Clarke nudges her shoulder.

 

“What?” She seems startled.

 

“Sorry,” Clarke grins sheepishly. “I didn’t mean to freak you out.”

 

Lexa rolls her eyes. “You didn’t.” She shifts her body so her torso is facing Clarke. “What’s up?”

 

Clarke is momentarily distracted by Lexa’s incredulous green gaze and only remembers what she was going to say when she forces herself to look away. “Um…” She swallows, suddenly nervous.

 

Lexa’s eyebrows raise in a silent question, prompting her on.

 

“Can I draw you?” Clarke blurts out.

 

For the second time that morning, Lexa’s eyes widen in shock and her full lips part slightly as she contemplates Clarke’s request.

 

“You want to draw me?” The astonishment is clear in her tone.

 

Clarke nods, not trusting herself with words.

 

“Uh.” Lexa swallows. “Wait, like what part of me, my face?”

 

Clarke shakes her head. “I could just draw your side profile sitting in your chair so you don’t have to pose or anything.” She smirks. “Although I do want to draw your face.” She’s not going to tell Lexa that she already has three unfinished portraits of her sitting on her desk at home.

 

“Okay.” Lexa still looks nervous. “What do I do?”

 

“Just do what you would normally do.” Clarke laughs. “Just pretend I’m not drawing you.”

 

The look on Lexa’s face suggests she thinks that’s going to be impossible, and sure enough, for the rest of the class period she keeps shifting positions restlessly and intermittently glancing at Clarke.

 

Clarke thinks this behavior is pretty hilarious, because she’d draw Lexa regardless of what she was doing. This girl has no idea that her features are so mesmerizing and flawless that it’s almost impossible to resist recreating them on paper.

 

 

//

 

 

Despite Jaha’s warnings, Raven and Octavia are sitting at the same desk today, bodies squished together even though they’re both right handed and Octavia can’t actually move her arm to draw. They both could care less about their art however; both of them are only taking the class because they need the Arts credit to graduate and neither of them were about to join band even though Monty had begged them to at the start of the semester. Raven idly doodles a dog she’d seen earlier that morning on her way to school. After a few moments she notices that Octavia’s trapped elbow isn’t even trying to reach the paper in front of her and Raven feels Octavia’s eyes on her.

 

“What?”

 

“Look at them.” Octavia motions to Clarke and Lexa, who are apparently deep in conversation. Clarke’s hands are moving animatedly and Lexa is paying rapt attention, her eyes flickering back and forth between Clarke’s eyes and mouth.

 

“They’re so into each other.”

 

Raven quirks an eyebrow. “I know.”

 

“Do you think they’ve fucked yet?”

 

Raven bursts out laughing. “Are you kidding me? Lexa is such a baby gay. I doubt she’s ever even kissed a girl.”

 

“Oh I think she has.” Octavia argues. “Look at those lips, any girl would be all over that shit.”

 

“Well I think we’re talking about a particular girl, aren’t we?” Raven smirks.

 

Octavia scoffs. “Obviously. Have you seen the way they look at each other? Clarke needs to make a move! Lexa is a shy little bean she’ll never do it herself.”

 

“I really don’t think that’s going to happen.” Raven watches as Lexa swiftly reaches down to grab a pencil that Clarke had just dropped and returns it to her, giggling.

 

“Why not?” Octavia seems almost indignant. “They’re both literally in love with each other.”

 

“I think they need to figure that out on their own.” Raven postulates. “They don’t seem to realize that the feeling is mutual.” She rolls her eyes. “They’re so fucking oblivious.”

 

“Maybe we should help them along.”

 

Raven doesn’t think she’s going to like the idea accompanying the evil glint in Octavia’s eye.

 

“Oh?”

 

“Yeah we should tell Clarke that Lexa told us she likes her.”

 

“That’s not a good idea.”

 

“Why not?”

 

“What if she doesn’t?” Raven wonders grimly.

 

“There’s no way that’s true.” Octavia scoffs again. “Everyone can tell they’re obsessed with each other.”

 

“True.” Raven agrees. “But I don’t know, I feel like they need to figure that out by themselves.” After all, Raven had had to discover her own feelings for Octavia and she thinks it was good for her to do a lot of deep pondering before she made a decision as to how to label her sexuality.

 

“Ugh fine.” Octavia plops her head down onto her arms which are laying on the desk. “But when they come to me with the drama don’t say I didn’t warn you.”

 

Raven rolls her eyes again. She and Octavia both can be somewhat rash and hot headed in terms of decision making, but she really feels like she’s doing the right thing by reigning it in this time. Clarke and Lexa need time to figure out exactly what is going on between them. She knows Clarke has some issues and even though she hardly knows Lexa, Raven has no doubt that the mysterious girl definitely has her own set of them.

 

Octavia pops her head back up. “Can we at least make a bet?”

 

 “Hell yeah.” Raven’s smile widens. “$10 that Clarke makes the first move and that it doesn’t happen for another month.”

 

“Oh it’s on.” Octavia grins. “I think it’s going to happen this week.”

 

“Like as in between today and Friday?” Raven asks for clarification.

 

“No like as in, within the next seven days until next Tuesday.”

 

Raven nods. “Shake.” Raven sticks out her hand and Octavia takes it. Raven is so going to win this bet.

 

They both go back to doodling for their assignments, having separated just enough so that they can actually use their right hands. It’s got to have only been five minutes when Raven feels Octavia’s gaze once more.

 

“What?”

 

“Nothing.” Octavia smiles. “I was just watching you draw.”

 

Raven flushes. “Enjoying the view?”

 

Octavia shoves her teasingly and Raven is grinning, but she loses her balance and nearly falls out of her chair before strong arms are wrapping around her torso, pulling her back in. Octavia’s eyes are wide. “Are you okay? I’m really sorry I was just playing around and I didn’t realize-”

 

“Stop.” Raven interrupts. “It’s fine.”

 

Octavia hugs her tightly and kisses her cheek, and Raven notices that Octavia’s careful not to put any weight on Raven’s left leg. “I’m sorry.”

 

Raven relaxes into the touch.

 

“What’s up with your leg? I feel like it’s been getting worse lately.” Octavia’s concerned face is very close to her own.

 

Raven sighs. Maybe it’s time to tell Octavia the truth. She’s only known for three days but she kept it from her girlfriend because she didn’t want her to worry.

 

“I went to the doctor on Friday.”

 

“And?” Octavia presses. “Wait back up, you went to the doctor? Why didn’t you tell me?”

 

“I didn’t think it was going to be a big deal, it was just a routine check-up visit.”

 

“Okay...” Octavia looks apprehensive.

 

Raven braces herself for the shit storm that she knows is about to happen. God damn it she should have just told Octavia in the first place. She takes a deep breath. “So you know how I have a tiny left femur, like 6 inches long?”

 

“Yeah…” Octavia raises her eyebrows. “Raven I’ve known you since we were like, 5. I know about your mini thigh. Like, I’ve seen it many times.” She smirks mischievously. “It’s particularly convenient for grinding, I hardly have to stretch at all.” She waggles her eyebrows and Raven blushes as her mind replays the events of the night before.

 

Raven’s parents had been gone again and Octavia had come over. They had been watching a movie but neither of them though it was very interesting, so invariably they had started making out on the couch. One thing led to another and they ended up giving each other more orgasms than either of them could count. All Raven can say is that she’s thankful for Octavia’s larger-than-average intersex clit and for her lack of a left leg that makes her fun parts easily accessible.

 

Raven had had to pause briefly before she could even formulate words in her mouth after that mental image “Oh my god stop distracting me I’m trying to tell you something!”.

 

Octavia is still smirking.

 

“Octavia I’m serious.”

 

Her face falls and she cups Raven’s face in her hand. “What is it?”

 

Raven takes a deep breath. “Well the reason that my leg has been hurting a lot lately is that it doesn’t fit in the prosthetic anymore. I thought I would be able to get a new one, but the doctor says that my femur has become too weak to support my body weight and it could shatter at any time.”

 

Octavia inhales sharply. “So what does that mean?”

 

“Well she wants me to use a crutch in the meantime.” Raven grimaces. “And I’m going to have to have surgery again to remove it. And now I’m not going to have any semblance of a left leg.” The words leave Raven’s mouth, but not without considerable effort, and she slumps against the desk, avoiding Octavia’s eyes.

 

Octavia stands up abruptly, jostling her girlfriend. “What the fuck Raven?”

 

Raven gazes at her fearfully. She knew Octavia would be upset but she’d hoped it wouldn’t be this bad. She doesn’t know why she waited so long to tell her; maybe she was just afraid that if she said it out loud, it would become more real.

 

Other people in the classroom look up from their work, startled, but when they see who’s yelling they all avert their eyes. No one wants to be caught in the crossfire when Octavia Blake is angry.

 

“How could you keep this from me?” Her voice is getting louder and a few people on the far side of the classroom are starting to notice and look up.

 

“Look, I didn’t mean to-”

 

“Well you fucking did didn’t you? Do you even trust me at all?” Octavia’s face is contorted with anger and her icy grey eyes pierce Raven’s own brown ones, making her feel like she’s caught under a microscope.

 

“I’m sorry.” Raven’s eyes plead.

 

“You should be. Jesus fuck Raven, I thought I was more important to you than this.” She turns on her heel, dark hair swishing as she storms out of the room. Jaha barely looks up from the canvas he’s painting on. Raven isn’t surprised as she realizes that this is a regular occurrence.

 

“Octavia, wait-” Raven tries to stand and winces, falling back in her chair. Octavia doesn’t look back. _Well fuck._

 

//

 

 

Clarke notices Octavia leaving the classroom in a rage and quickly glances over to see Raven staring numbly at the whiteboard. “Shit.”

 

“What?” Lexa asks.

 

“Octavia and Raven just had a fight.” Clarke explains grimly. “And it looks like it’s pretty serious this time.”

 

“Are they usually not serious?”

 

“Well,” Clarke scratches the back of her neck. “Both of them have short tempers so usually their fights are about stupid stuff. But this doesn’t seem like one of those times.” Her mouth is drawn in a tight line.

 

“What are you going to do?” Lexa asks.

 

“I should talk to her.” Clarke stands up.

 

“Okay.”

 

Clarke walks over to Raven’s desk. Raven’s eyes don’t budge from the point on the wall that she’s staring at so intensely it seems like she wants to burn a hole in it.

 

“Hey.” Clarke leans over Raven’s desk.

 

“Get your boobs out of my face.” Raven doesn’t move her gaze or blink.

 

Clarke rolls her eyes. “Ah I’m relieved. It must not be that serious if Queen Reyes is being her usual bitch self.”

 

“I fucked up Clarke.”

 

Clarke’s eyes widen as she moves to sit in the chair that had just been occupied by Octavia. “What happened?”

 

“I didn’t tell her something. Something big.”

 

“She’ll forgive you.” Clarke reassures her.

 

“I don’t know.” Raven swallows and for the first time, upon closer inspection, Clarke notices the redness in her eyes and she wonders if Raven is holding back tears.

 

Clarke puts an arm around her and Raven lays her head on Clarke’s shoulder.

 

After remaining in this position for several minutes, Clarke looks at the clock and sits up with a start. “Fuck, we have two minutes to clean up.”

 

Raven just glances down at her half-finished drawing of a dog. “I don’t have much to clean up.”

 

Clarke gives her a quick squeeze. “Hang in there.”

 

“I’ll try.” Raven replies numbly.

 

Clarke returns to her seat where she finds Lexa gazing at her apprehensively. “Is everything okay?”

 

“It will be.” Clarke sighs. She hopes.

 

After they are both finished cleaning up, Lexa glances over at Clarke again. “Can I see your drawing?”

 

“It’s not finished yet.” Clarke gives her a wicked smile and Lexa pouts.

 

“Are you serious? You’re not going to let me see it until you’re finished?”

 

“Nope.” Clarke shoves her notebook in her bag smugly and stands up. “See you in gym.”

 

 

//

 

 

Raven thinks this is the longest that her and Octavia have ignored each other. Raven saw her briefly at lunch but the other girl had turned away as soon as Raven had tried to approach her. Now Raven is sitting on the curb in the parking lot on the off chance that Octavia hasn’t taken off early.

 

She hears footsteps behind her and another person quietly plops down next to her on the curb, leaving a respectful amount of distance.

 

“Hey.” Octavia says.

 

“Hi.” Raven looks up nervously. She tries to hide the excitement in her face that Octavia has decided to talk to her. It’s soon replaced by the anxious worry that Octavia isn’t going to forgive her.

 

Octavia says “I’m sorry for reacting the way I did,” At the same time that Raven blurts “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you.”

 

 They both laugh and Octavia scoots a little bit closer, until her thigh is touching Raven’s. Her right thigh, not the prosthetic one. Raven tries not to lean into the touch and collapse into Octavia’s lap. “You first?”

 

Raven nods. “Sure.” She takes a deep breath, filling her lungs.

 

“The reason I didn’t tell you.”  She gazes into Octavia’s eyes earnestly. “Is because I was scared. Scared to admit for one second that I’m not as strong as you think I am.”

 

“Rav-”

 

“Let me finish.” Raven cuts her off, putting one hand in the air and closing her eyes. This isn’t easy for her to say so she’s going to try to get it all out as fast as she can. “I’ve always been able to handle everything that’s come my way. And it hasn’t been easy; especially because everyone expects less of me simply because of who I am, what I look like.” She swallows thickly. “So I’ve always tried to overcompensate by being better than everyone.” Octavia’s eyes are wide and rapt with attention. “I have to be better than everyone, and I wanted to be the best,” her throat is starting to close up. “I wanted to be the best for you.” She chokes out. “And I didn’t think I could be if you knew how weak I actually am.”

 

Octavia wraps her arms around Raven’s now shaking shoulders. “I’m sorry.” Raven whispers.

 

“Shhhh.” Octavia mumbles in her ear. “It’s okay.” She lets Raven cry until the sobs even out, then she pushes Raven’s shoulders away so she can look into her eyes.

 

“I’m sorry I got mad at you, but I was really disappointed that you wouldn’t trust me with something so important.”

 

Raven looks up guiltily.

 

“I know that this is hard for you, like opening up and stuff. Showing that you’re not actually as tough as everyone thinks you are.” Raven rolls her eyes and Octavia laughs softly. “But it’s not okay for you to keep something like this from me. You have to promise that you’re going to tell me these things, otherwise how can we trust each other?”

 

Raven lets out a huge sigh. “You’re right. We do need to trust each other. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you.”

 

“I’m sorry I yelled at you.”

 

“You did make quite the scene in art class.” Raven chuckles and Octavia gives her a playful slap.

 

“Shut up.”

 

“Raven.” Octavia stares at her impenetrably.

 

“What?”

 

“You have to promise me you’re going to use the crutch when the doctors tell you to.”  


“Octavia.” Raven growls. “I want to do that about as much as I want to have sex with your brother.”

 

Octavia makes a face. “What the fuck Raven? Why would you give me that mental image?”

 

Raven gives her a tiny smug smile.

 

“Seriously Ray, you have to fucking use the crutch.” Octavia pleads. “I don’t want you to get hurt any more than you already are.”

 

Raven sighs. “Fine.” She glares at Octavia who lets out a breath of relief. “But only for you.”

 

Octavia grabs her hand and squeezes it. The two stand up together, Raven favoring her right side and Octavia supporting her. “Are you driving home?” Raven asks.

 

“Yeah.”

 

“Do you want to get coffee somewhere first?”

 

“Okay.” Octavia smiles and moves to kiss her cheek. At the last second Raven turns her head and they’re kissing in the parking lot and the clouds are threatening to rain but nothing matters to Raven except the sweet taste of Octavia’s chap stick and the feeling of her hands in Raven’s hair.

 

 

//

 

 

“Where the hell is she?” Octavia asks Raven, flopping down on the couch after waiting about a half hour for Clarke to show up with Lexa in tow for their girls ‘study’ night.

 

“Who knows.” Raven responds boredly, scrolling through her phone.

 

Suddenly the doorbell rings. Octavia jumps up. “It’s about damn time.”

 

Raven thinks she hears three sets of feet walking through the foyer of her house into the living room, but when she glances up its only Lexa and Octavia.

 

“Hey Lexa.” Raven smiles, but her brows are furrowed in confusion. “Where’s Clarke?”

 

Just as Lexa is opening her mouth, Octavia responds for her. “Apparently Abby dragged her to a work party. Something about surgeons united. I guess they’re all having a huge orgy talking about cutting people open.” Octavia shudders and Lexa gives her a horrified look.

 

“That’s not what Clar-”

 

“Relax, she’s joking.” Raven interrupts, shooting Octavia a warning glance.

 

Lexa spine unstiffens, but only a little bit.

 

“So, Lexa.” Raven pats a space on the couch next to her for Lexa to come sit and Octavia woefully makes her way over to the loveseat by herself. “How was school today?”

 

“Fine, I guess.” Lexa’s eyes dart around the room. This isn’t the first time she’s been here, but Raven thinks she’s acting kind of nervous. Maybe because Clarke isn’t here to bridge the gap between them. Raven knows that Lexa thinks she’s not really a part of the group, since Lexa isn’t really friends with her and Octavia outside of Clarke. But maybe tonight, that could change.

 

“Tell us about debate.” Octavia prompts.

 

“Well I didn’t have practice today, but I have my first tournament on Friday.” Lexa smiles. “I’m kind of excited, only a little nervous.”

 

“I can imagine why.” Raven reasons. “I’d be really scared.”

 

“Yeah sometimes before big presentations, Raven gets so nervous she throws up.” Octavia chimes in.

 

Raven throws a pillow at her. “Don’t tell her that, you’ll scare her away.”

 

Lexa just laughs. “Sometimes I get really nervous that I don’t sleep the entire night, I just drink coffee until I have to leave in the morning.”

 

“Honestly that’s probably worse.” Octavia’s jaw drops. “How do you even function like that?”

 

“I don’t know, I just do.” Lexa shrugs.

 

“Octavia is jealous because she needs 9 hours of sleep every night, otherwise she acts like a zombie.” Raven giggles.

 

“I’m healthy, what can I say.” Octavia throws her hands up in the air.

 

“I’m… not.” Lexa admits, smiling softly. “Well I eat pretty well and I exercise but I don’t sleep enough.”

 

“That’s bad Lexa,” Raven’s eyes widen in Lexa’s direction. “You should be getting 8 hours! It’s going to catch up to you.”

 

“I know, I know. There’s just so much to do and not enough hours in the day.”

 

“Amen to that.” Octavia agrees, reaching for the pile of snacks that’s sitting on the coffee table. “I, for example, want to be able to make out with Raven, watch Netflix, and stuff my face with this popcorn all at the same time.” She shoves a handful of popcorn into her mouth. “Such a shame that I can’t.” She manages to choke out while chewing.

 

Lexa giggles and Raven just rolls her eyes. “This is what I have to live with.”

 

“You know you love me.” Octavia leans over, smacking the popcorn obnoxiously close to Raven’s face and attempting to pucker her lips even though her cheeks are so full that she can barely move them. Raven torso tumbles to the side as she tries to avoid Octavia, causing Lexa to fall over as well in the process. The three of them end up in a pile of indistinguishable limbs and laughter on the couch and Raven stops worrying that Lexa won’t feel welcome with her and Octavia.

 

They offer her some of the gluten free snacks that they’d picked out (specifically at Clarke’s request) and Lexa happily indulges.

 

They talk more about school, teachers, and Octavia tells a story about how one time Indra made the entire football team run sprints because she saw a flask in Octavia’s gym bag. Octavia insists that it was empty but Lexa has her doubts.

 

Somehow, the conversation returns to Clarke, as it usually does when Lexa is around, Raven has noticed.

 

“What did you and Clarke draw in art today Lexa?” Raven asks, and notices the immediate blush forming on Lexa’s high cheekbones.

 

“I drew a banana. Well, I tried.” Lexa admits sheepishly.

 

Octavia snickers and Raven is about to shoot her a look, but she notices how Lexa’s posture has shifted to a more comfortable, less rigid position and she thinks the other girl might finally be at ease.

 

“It’s okay I suck at drawing too.” Octavia has managed to stop laughing. “I drew half of a stick figure. I was just watching Raven.” Octavia smiles. “She says she’s not good at drawing but she really is. Maybe in a different way than Clarke because she’s such a geek-” Raven scowls. “-but she’s good at physics so she’s good at drawing, like shapes and shit.”

 

Raven regards her fondly and they both almost forget that Lexa is sandwiched on the couch in between them.

 

Octavia is the first to regain composure. “Anyways. What did Clarke draw? She’s always got some weird ass original idea that no one else has ever thought of.”

 

Lexa nods fervently. “She’s really talented.” Raven and Octavia exchange a knowing look, which Lexa apparently doesn’t notice. “She drew, um, well she drew me.” Lexa finishes lamely.

 

Octavia’s eyes widen and she grins at Raven, who knows this is her way of mentally communicating that she thinks she’s going to win their bet. _Not a chance Blake._

 

“Holy shit,” Octavia exclaims. “You two have bypassed the beginning phase of the relationship and gone straight to the engagement party.”

 

Lexa flushes crimson. “Uh…”

 

“The friendship party.” Raven interrupts quickly.

 

“The gal pal party.” Octavia adds with a smirk.

 

Lexa tilts her head quizzically as if trying to pinpoint where she’s heard that phrase before until recognition dawns in her eyes. “We’re not-”  


Octavia waggles her eyebrows. “I mean, it’s obvious that you’re into each other.”

 

Raven shoots her a warning glance; which Octavia promptly ignores. Raven isn’t surprised. No one can tell this girl what to do.

 

“Clarke talks about you, like, 24/7. It’s always, Lexa this and Lexa that.” Octavia groans. “Honestly it’s disgusting.”

 

Lexa’s eyes widen. “She does?”

 

Well, there it is. Raven rolls her eyes. The prize for ‘most oblivious’ goes to Lexa Woods. Actually she takes that back, because she’s pretty sure this girl is in a tie with Clarke.

 

“Duh.” Octavia leans back on the couch, taking a sip from her glass of lemonade that she’d gotten from the fridge earlier.

 

Raven can literally see the cogs turning inside Lexa’s head. She knows that Lexa’s wondering what this means, but she doesn’t want to get the girls hopes up in case Clarke isn’t actually into her. After all, Clarke hasn’t explicitly told either her or Octavia that she likes Lexa, which seems pretty suspicious, seeing as the two of them are usually the first to know when Clarke has a new crush. So Raven quickly interrupts Lexa’s gay train of thought. “I’m just glad that she’s found a best friend like you.”

 

“She’s really needed a good friend lately because, well, me and O are still there for her but now it’s just, different.” Raven explains truthfully, ignoring Octavia’s hand signals to stop talking. “We’re really glad she met you.” Raven smiles and hopes that Lexa believes her.

 

Octavia finally gives up trying to convince Raven to continue the Clarke-likes-Lexa conversation. “It’s sometimes hard to make new friends here because it’s a bit small.” She adds. “It’s always awesome to meet someone new who you really click with.”

 

Lexa gives her a small smile. “Thanks for inviting me.”

 

“Of course.” Raven tries to convey reassurance in her tone. “Cheers to new friends.” She raises her doctor pepper, clinking it with Octavia and Lexa’s drinks.

 

“Cheers!” Octavia and Lexa say in unison. Raven hopes that the excitement she notices in Lexa’s eyes is because she’s finally starting to feel like she’s a part of the group.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you haven’t guessed by now I have celiac lol and i was on a road trip the past 10 days with the fam (k i l l m e), and finding gf stuff while traveling is a paIN IN THE ASS. I accidentally ate some gluten a few days ago so I’ve been feeling kind of horrible. Which is part of the reason this chapter is so late (sorry). But anyway I hope you enjoyed, please comment and leave kudos, I read all of them even if I don’t always respond and I always love to hear what you’re thinking. It keeps me inspired and wanting to continue writing :)


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> clarke goes to lexa’s debate tournament and they are g a y

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorrrrrrry it took so long this has been one hell of a year with the election of he-who-must-not-be-named + a lot of mental health shit + breaking up with my ex + the sophomore slump + accidentally losing my entire outline of this story when i didn’t back up my computer :/  
> anyway here it is, I hope you enjoy it!!!   
> also I didn’t use any legit sources other than stuff i already knew from taking a class about the history of incarceration and reading “The New Jim Crow” so,,,, don’t use this fic to write your own debate lol
> 
> **I’ve headcannoned lexa as like 5’ 11” in this universe bc she’s trans so don’t comment about how adc is the same height as eliza ok i know

“My partner and I stand in firm negation of the resolution ‘Private corporations should be allowed to own and regulate prisons.’ Contention one: Because corporations exist to make profit, their ultimate goal is to create more prisoners therefore increasing the already corrupt methods of arrest and sentencing in the criminal justice system, specifically affecting people of color.”

 

Lexa watches as Emori continues their preliminary speech with more nerves in her stomach than she’d had on her very first day at Ark High. She and Emori had made it into the semi-finals of her very first debate tournament against a team from another high school in the area. She doesn’t know why she feels so nervous; she’d just debated the exact same resolution less than two hours prior in the qualifier, and won. Maybe it’s because she feels more pressure now that it’s the semi-finals, or maybe because she’s not as confident that their points are as strong for the negative side of this topic as they were for the affirmative, but she can’t seem to calm her racing pulse and she’s barely even paying attention to the opening speech that she and Emori had worked so hard on.

 

She notices the door open slowly and quietly on the left side of the room and several heads turn to look at the person who is attempting to shuffle into a seat near the exit so they won’t disturb the debate that has already begun. Lexa looks up again and this time nearly gasps in astonishment. The person sliding into an empty seat and carefully setting down her bag is none other than Clarke Griffin. Lexa feels an immediate rush of apprehension course from her chest down to her feet. She had asked if Clarke wanted to come earlier that week, but when she hadn’t seen Clarke’s face in the crowd of her first two debates, she’d just assumed that Clarke wasn’t going to show up. She can’t deny the pang of hurt that thought had caused her, but she’d simply tried to ignore it and instead focus on the task at hand.

 

Her legs shake as Emori reaches their final contention. She should have thought this through more thoroughly. Having Clarke here, watching her debate would undoubtedly affect her performance. What if Clarke thinks Lexa’s a lousy debater? What if she thinks it’s a meaningless activity and a waste of her time to be there watching?

 

 

“Because private prisons encourage and perpetuate corporate greed, racism and exploitation of marginalized people’s labor, my partner and I agree that they should not be allowed in America.” Lexa is quickly drawn out of her own head by Emori’s final sentence and the silence that proceeds it. Emori sits down quickly and whispers, “Why do you look like you’re about to shit your pants?”

 

Lexa merely stares straight ahead and concentrates on breathing in and out. Emori rolls her eyes. “You better listen to our opponent’s speech and be ready when it’s your turn to go up there.”

 

Lexa nods and picks up her pencil in anticipation of the next speaker. She can do this; she has to.

 

 

 

 

//

 

 

 

Clarke is still breathing hard when she manages to find a seat in the back of the classroom that Lexa’s debate is located in. She attempts to control her rapidly beating heart in an effort to conceal the fact that she ran to this room after accidentally sleeping past the alarm on her phone that was supposed to wake her up from her afternoon nap. Thank god she’d been rudely awakened by Sam’s tongue on her face, and had been able to cut the usually 20-minute drive down to 15 by speeding. Only on the less busy roads, she thinks to herself.

 

Once the other people in the room decide the disturbance was over and refocus on the person speaking at the front of the room, Clarke is able to get her bearings. She observes that Lexa and Emori are sitting side by side, both frantically scratching notes onto the scattered pieces of paper in front of them on the desk. Clarke wonders who had spoken before she’d arrived. She knows nothing about the structure of a debate and sincerely hopes she hasn’t already missed Lexa. Lexa, who apparently hadn’t noticed Clarke’s arrival, glances up as the speaker ends their final sentence.

 

Clarke winks as their eyes meet and a light pink color spreads throughout Lexa’s entire face like someone had squeezed a drop of food coloring right onto the tip of her nose.

 

Good, Clarke thinks. She knows I’m here.

 

One of the members of the other team speaks, “We’d like to use 30 seconds of prep time.”

 

The balding white man nods and presses some buttons on what appears to be his timer. “Go ahead.”

 

Emori and Lexa turn to each other and begin discussing something, mouths moving rapidly and hands gesturing passionately. Clarke notes that it seems very urgent and serious and considers that she made the right choice in selecting art as her extracurricular activity.

 

The timer beeps and Emori and the person who had just finished reading their speech both take the podium. They begin what the judge calls “cross-examination” which really just seems like a way to describe the most stressful thing Clarke has ever witnessed. Emori shoots questions at her opponent in rapid fire succession, trying to get them to admit that there is a flaw in their argument. The two begin to talk over each other and interrupt each other in an apparent effort to prove their correctness and Clarke waits for the judge to intervene, to tell one of them to back down, or for one of them to get a penalty of some sort but it never happens.

 

Clarke is again astounded that people do this because they want to, because they like it. She could never see herself keeping her cool in a situation this anxiety-inducing.

 

The timer beeps, interrupting Emori’s final question, which was a much more creative and relevant sentence than Clarke could have come up with, she thinks. The two debaters return to their seats and Lexa stands and takes the podium, standing shoulders back, eyes up. Clarke shoots her a smile. She hadn’t missed Lexa’s part in the debate after all.

 

As soon as Lexa opens her mouth, Clarke is captivated. Lexa speaks with such eloquence and poise that if Clarke didn’t know better, she would have thought she’d been doing it her whole life. Her eyes light up as she speaks and Clarke feels like she’s really passionate about what she’s saying. She expertly counters all her opponent’s arguments and offers up evidence as to why her points are more valid. After her speech, when the other opponent takes the stand and they start cross examination, Lexa doesn’t bat an eye at the questions being directed her way. She answers as if she’s in a fight and using her words as weapons, and even though Clarke knows nothing about debate, she’s still certain that Lexa is winning. 

 

Lexa’s opponent, who appears to be a smug looking white boy asks her another question. “Why should we outlaw private prisons if the inmate labor they supply boosts our economy?”

 

“Sure, inmate labor helps our economy, but it does so at the expense of marginalized people. Prisoners make little to no money from the labor they do, and even if they do make money, stuff they can actually purchase in prison is extremely overpriced. They can almost never make enough money to hire a lawyer to help negotiate their sentence, or send home money to help support their families. Instead, corporations sell the products for like fifteen times what they paid the prisoners to make it and make a huge profit.” Lexa looks exasperated and Clarke simultaneously wants to giggle at how Lexa is making a fool of her opponent and fan herself because Lexa arguing is, for lack of a better term, fucking hot.

 

Lexa’s opponent counters her rebuttal. “I have evidence that suggests that there are actually more white people in prison than black people so how can you say that this prison labor only effects marginalized groups?”

 

“I didn’t say that it _only_ affects black and latinx people, I said that it disproportionately affects them. It makes sense that there are more white people in jail because white people make up about 70% of the US population.”

 

“But-” he tries to interrupt her.

 

“Let me finish! What I’m saying is that the percentage of black people in jail compared to the percentage of total black people is much higher than that of white people. And so these groups are more affected by labor in prison and they are exploited because of the fact that they have no agency in a system that unfairly targets them.”

 

Clarke is actually sweating at this point; it must be because she feels such an immense amount of pride towards her friend.

Lexa’s opponent for the first time looks a little flustered. He glances down at his notes and opens his mouth as if to begin another question but the timer begins to beep, startling him and Lexa shoots a smug look to Emori. The two share a smirk and Clarke wants to clap but she realizes that this would probably be inappropriate.

 

Clarke kind of zones out for the rest of the debate, continually in awe of how well Lexa counters every argument someone throws at her. Clarke knows she’s a little biased, but she firmly believes that Lexa and Emori have this one in the bag.

 

“It is for these reasons that my partner and I urge you to vote affirmative in today’s debate.” The other team finishes, somewhat lamely, Clarke thinks. Now the audience is clapping and Clarke joins in, throwing in a wolf whistle and noticing Lexa’s reddening face. She winks and Lexa doesn’t notice, or maybe she is purposefully avoiding Clarke’s gaze? Clarke can’t tell. Either way, Lexa looks kind of flustered and Clarke is loving it.

 

She starts to vacate her seat but slowly plops down when she realizes the room is quieting down again but no one is getting up. She’s rather confused, as she thought the debate was over, until she notices that all three judges are holding up cards that she realizes probably say the team they thought won the debate. She strains in her chair to gauge the reactions of both teams and when Emori and Lexa high five, grinning, she knows her suspicions were correct.

 

One of the judges speaks, “Three votes in favor of Ark; Ark High wins.” He nods at Lexa and Emori “See you at the finals competition.”

 

 Lexa is smiling widely and before Clarke knows what she’s doing, she’s running to the front of the room and holding Lexa in a tight embrace.

 

“You did so well!” Clarke squeezes her and feels her tense shoulders melt into the touch.   


“Thanks.” Lexa murmurs and Clarke can almost hear the shyness in her tone.

 

Clarke pulls back, letting go of Lexa’s upper arms. “Sorry, am I embarrassing you?” She ducks her head hesitantly. Maybe she shouldn’t have been so forward.

 

“Yes.” Emori interjects with a huge grin, grabbing one of Clarke’s hands. “It’s okay though, she deserves it.”

 

Lexa shoves Emori’s shoulder lightly. “Shut up.”

 

Emori just continues to smile, seeming to radiate excitement. “But seriously though Lex, great job. We killed it.”

 

Lexa still looks embarrassed but she at least manages to smile.

 

Their coach, Roan, who Clarke had not noticed in the audience, approaches the group and congratulates Emori and Lexa on their win. Clarke steps back a bit and watches as he proceeds to critique several of the things that the two of them had done during the debate, presumably so they can improve for finals. Clarke is impressed that Emori and Lexa hardly seem phased; after all, they had just won, and Roan was immediately reminding them of all the things they had done wrong. But she supposed she’d to the same to herself after she finished a painting so she could improve on the next one. She hopes Roan hurries up though, because she really just wants to talk to Lexa again.

 

After an interminable five minutes, Roan claps both the debaters on the back and makes his way towards the exit of the room. Emori begins organizing and picking up the various scattered papers on the desk and Clarke takes this opportunity to pull Lexa aside.

 

“You were really great. Seriously.”

 

Lexa blushes again -seriously, does this girl have an everlasting supply of excess blood vessels- and smiles awkwardly. “Thank you.”

 

Clarke grins. “Do you want to get out of here?”

 

 

 

 

//

 

 

 

“I’m really glad we came here.” Lexa’s smiling at Clarke across the table in the red plastic covered booth at Scoopy’s diner, one arm in front of her chocolate milkshake, grabbing a fry with the other. Clarke takes a bite from her hot fudge sundae, regarding the beautiful girl in front of her, eyes darting from the smudge of chocolate on her chin to her grinning lips, considering telling Lexa about it but deciding that it was cuter not to.

 

“Me too.”

 

“I was skeptical that I could eat anything here.” Lexa laughs. “Who knew they would have a dedicated gluten free fryer in here.”

 

Clarke smiles. “Yeah I never even would have thought to ask before I met you.”

 

Lexa laughs again. “Yeah I get that. I never even thought being gluten free was a real dietary need until after I got diagnosed. My sibling and I would make fun of people who went gluten free because they thought it was healthier.”

 

“Oh god I have a cousin who says she’s gluten free in front of people because it’s supposedly better for you but then will eat normal pizza and cereal with wheat when no one is looking.” Clarke rolls her eyes.

 

“Ugh those people piss me the off because they make it harder for those of us who actually need to be gluten free.” Lexa looks pained.

 

Clarke makes a face but Lexa just shrugs. “How’s your sundae?”

 

Clarke looks up and attempts to respond but some ice cream dribbles out of her too-full mouth and she looks away in embarrassment. Clarke wonders why on earth Lexa had to choose this exact moment to ask her a question.

 

Lexa giggles. “That good, huh?”

 

Clarke makes a vague noise of agreement in her throat and continues chewing for several moments while Lexa stares at her in amusement. When she’s finally able to swallow and clear her mouth, she responds that yes she is enjoying her food but could Lexa please just stop staring at her. Lexa just smiles again and reaches for some more fries.

 

 

 

 

//

 

 

 

 

“Hey, we’re closing in 10 minutes.”

 

Clarke and Lexa both look up in shock at the waiter who is already making his way back to the kitchen.

 

“I can’t believe we’ve been here for-” Lexa checks her phone, “-four hours already! Jesus, it’s already almost 11pm.”

 

Clarke feels equally startled; how could they have lost track of time so easily?

 

Lexa begins to put on her coat and shimmies out of the booth. Clarke watches her without moving, still wearing her fancy debate clothes from four hours earlier. Clarke’s eyes are drawn to her arm muscles moving underneath the tank top and see-through button up shirt that she’s wearing. Lexa returns the gaze curiously. “We gotta go Clarke, we’re the last ones in this restaurant and they’re gonna kick us out soon.”

 

“I know.” Clarke is startled and quickly removes her eyes from Lexa’s ab muscles that she can see flexing under the sheer fabric as Lexa puts her hood up.

 

Clarke reluctantly slides out of her side of the booth and begins to put on her outer layers. It’s October so it’s not too cold but it’s definitely not warm enough to go outside without a sweatshirt and long pants on.

 

“Oh my god Clarke, it’s snowing!” Lexa exclaims as they make their way to the exit of the diner.

 

Clarke glances out the window with a mild look of horror on her face. “Are you serious? Nooooo.”

 

“You don’t like the snow?” Lexa asks incredulously.

 

“Not really.” Clarke replies. “I don’t like the cold very much.”

 

“That’s so interesting,” Lexa muses. “I don’t know why, but there’s something magical to me about winter.” She opens the door for herself and quickly runs forward to hold it for Clarke.

 

“After you.” Lexa winks.

 

 “Thanks.” Clarke blushes, and wonders what the wink meant. She can’t help but feel like Lexa has been flirting with her, and although Clarke has a lot of experience with flirting, when Lexa does things like this, it flusters her more than she’d care to admit.

 

“I love winter because when it snows, it feels like everything is new and fresh again. It feels like we all get a giant do-over. All of our fuck-ups are forgotten, all of our problems seem a little less daunting when there’s a layer of white covering everything.” She swings her arms as she walks, small specks of white starting to land on the top of her head and shoulders. “And I’ve always had another reason.” Lexa pauses. “It’s easier for me to be less conspicuous in winter because everyone wears more clothes, so I can hide my body under all the layers.” Lexa tilts her head towards Clarke.

 

Clarke’s stomach sinks, and she reaches out to grab Lexa’s hand. “You don’t have anything to hide.”

 

Lexa grimaces and looks away. “You don’t know what I look like without my clothes on.”

 

Clarke stops abruptly, turning towards Lexa and looking up at her, grabbing both of her hands in the middle of the deserted sidewalk that’s just starting to become dusted with flakes of snow.  

 

“I’m sorry you feel like you have to hide Lex.” Clarke’s heart aches with sadness that her friend can’t see herself the way Clarke sees her. “I think you’re beautiful.”

 

Lexa sighs and turns her head away. “It doesn’t matter what you think, it matters what I think and how I feel about myself. It still seems impossible that anyone could ever be attracted to someone like me when I hate myself so much sometimes.”

 

Clarke’s brow furrows, trying to think of a way to respond. “You know what Monty once told me?”

 

Lexa cocks her head, inviting Clarke to continue.

 

“They told me that they used to hate themself so much that they would cut their wrists and arms to try to distract themself from the pain they felt in their head. They told me they thought they could never be loved by anyone, and they wanted to die because they couldn’t see a point in living if they were going to be forced to continue as someone they weren’t.”

 

Lexa gulps. “I know the feeling.”

 

Clarke grips her hands more tightly. “They told me that the bravest thing you can do in a world that hates you for who you are is to love yourself.” Clarke takes a deep breath and before she can think about it too much and hesitate, Clarke reaches up to Lexa’s face and strokes the side of her cheek with her right hand, looking into those bright green eyes that are currently downcast, willing them to look up and meet her own.

 

When they finally do rise and make eye contact with hers, Clarke notices that they’re wet, but whether from her tears or the snow she is not sure. Either way, Clarke thinks she looks beautiful.

 

A single car whizzes past them and then they are alone again with the cool night air brushing their cheeks and the soft sprinkle of snow landing on their bodies.

 

Lexa lets go of Clarke’s hands and for a moment Clarke loses all hope that she’d been reading the signals correctly until Lexa moves them to Clarke’s waist. Clarke inhales sharply, reveling in the warmth of her hands, leaning towards the other girl and sliding her hands to Lexa’s waist as well, their faces moving impossibly closer.

 

“I know I just met you, but I feel like I’ve known you my whole life.” Lexa whispers, her sweet breath tickling Clarke’s ear. “I’ve never met anyone who has tried to understand me as much as you have.”

 

“Me neither.” Clarke breathes. Her heart is pounding in anticipation. Is this going to happen? Does she want this to happen? Oh god, she does, she really does, but she’s scared. She doesn’t want to fuck everything up like she always seems to do.

 

Just as Clarke is about to pull away and tell Lexa that she can’t do this; Lexa’s hand finds Clarke’s cheek and she’s brushing Clarke’s blonde hair out of her eyes and Clarke can’t think about anything except the intoxicating smell and inviting lips of the beautiful girl in front of her.

 

Lexa brings her other hand to Clarke’s face, leaning down to bring their foreheads together and close their four inch height difference; their faces now impossibly close.

 

Lexa nudges Clarke’s nose with her own, causing them both to smile. Just as Clarke is thinking that she can’t handle the anticipation any longer, Lexa’s eyes flutter shut and she closes the gap between them, pressing her lips to Clarke’s.

 

Clarke leans into the kiss, raising herself up on her tippy-toes and sliding her hands around Lexa’s waist, pulling their bodies closer together as Lexa’s hands move lightly down her face to wrap around her body and roam up her back. Lexa’s lips are the softest Clarke has ever felt, and she is gentle in the way she explores Clarke’s mouth with her own. Clarke feels the tip of Lexa’s tongue on her upper lip and presses harder into the kiss, moving her lips in sync with Lexa’s, their heads tilting in opposite directions. Clarke is so out of breath at this point that she has to break her mouth away from Lexa’s, however she doesn’t open her eyes and they both breathe together, Clarke’s upper lip brushing against Lexa’s chin.

 

Neither of them move until Clarke moves forward to kiss her again. This time it’s a little more urgent, a little less soft and tender. As they both overcome their initial shyness, one of Clarke’s hands moves to the back of Lexa’s head while the other squeezes the arch of her back, pressing their chests together. Lexa’s hands slip down Clarke’s back, hovering dangerously close to her ass.

 

Clarke starts to use her tongue and the kiss becomes even more heated until a passing car honks and they break apart suddenly.

 

Clarke glares as the car drives away, but Lexa takes her hand again and Clarke quite suddenly forgets what she was upset about. Lexa’s biting her lip, looking nervous.

 

Clarke grabs her hips again and pulls her close, smiling. “What?”

 

 “I’ve just wanted to do that for a long time.” Lexa looks away shyly.

 

Clarke leans upward and presses another soft kiss to Lexa’s lips and her eyes widen in surprise.

 

“Me too.”

 

 

 

 

 

//

 

 

 

 

 

“She kissed me!” Clarke is laying on her bed, holding her phone to her ear and staring at the colorful ceiling.

 

Monty gasps on the other side of the line. “Oh my god!”

 

Clarke can hear their hand against their mouth in shock. She laughs.

 

“What was it like? Tell me everything.” Clarke can hear the excitement in their voice.

 

“It was-” Clarke pauses, reminiscing. “-pretty amazing to be honest. We went to this diner and ended up staying there for like four hours but we didn’t even realize how long it had been. And as we were leaving it started snowing, and she kissed me right outside on the sidewalk.”

 

“Aaaaaaaaaa!” Monty screams gleefully. “I knew she liked you.”

 

Clarke can feel their smile through the phone.

 

“Did you talk about it after? What did she say?”

 

“No,” Clarke admits. “I drove her home and we kissed again in her driveway though. And-” Clarke removes her phone from her ear briefly to look up at it. “She texted me like 5 minutes ago.”

 

“What did she say?” Monty exclaims.

 

“She said ‘I had fun tonight’ with a smiley face.” Clarke smirks.

 

“Ooh, she likes you!”

 

“I know she does.” Clarke settles onto her side in the bed, smiling faintly.

 

 

 

 

 

//

 

 

 

 

 

 

Clarke and Lexa drive to school together again on Monday morning, and Clarke had picked up muffins for them both again.

 

“These are better than last time.” Lexa proclaims.

 

“They’re the same Lexa.” Clarke rolls her eyes.

 

“I don’t think they are! There seems to be something-” she takes another bite, chewing slowly, “-different.”

 

“Whatever you say, weirdo.” Clarke smiles. “I’m glad you like them though.”

 

They pull into their parking spot, and Lexa has to wait for Clarke to get all of her stuff out of the car.

 

“As you can see, even when I’m slightly on time. I don’t have all my shit together.”

 

Lexa rolls her eyes and leans against the hood of the car. “You know I don’t mind.”

 

Clarke slings on her backpack and as she slams the car door shut, Lexa stretches out her hand and Clarke grabs it, giddy with happiness and nervous energy.

 

As they walk into the school hand in hand, they approach the table where Raven and Octavia are sitting drinking coffee. The two other girls both glance down at Clarke and Lexa’s interlaced fingers and exchange a glance.

 

Octavia stands up, rushing towards them, hugging them both at the same time and then turning around to exclaim. “I knew it!”

 

Raven reaches into her bag, pulling out her wallet and waving a 10-dollar bill sullenly in Octavia’s general direction. “Alright, here you go.”  

 

Octavia snatches it out of her hand gleefully.

 

Clarke notes that Lexa is regarding them curiously. “What was that about?” Lexa cocks her head. Clarke thinks she knows where this is going.

 

“We made a bet about when you two would hook up.” Octavia giggles. “And I won!”

 

Raven rolls her eyes. “I guess I thought you’d be able to keep it in your pants longer, Griffin.”

 

Lexa turns a deep shade of red and Clarke can’t help but squeeze her hand in reassurance. Even though Lexa has started to become friends with Raven and Octavia, Clarke knows she’s not as accustomed to their sometimes inappropriate banter. Unfortunately, Lexa still drops Clarke’s hand and turns away slightly, looking embarrassed.

 

Clarke shoots a death glare at Raven, who mouths a sarcastic “Sorry” and shrugs.

 

Clarke is just about to ask Lexa if she wants to head over to Art class when suddenly Lexa’s entire body stiffens and she backs up, stepping on Clarke’s foot unconsciously. Clarke turns toward her in concern and notices that her eyes are locked straight ahead at a white boy with shaggy brown hair and a sharp jawline who is staring her direction with what can only be described as a hateful gaze.

 

Lexa inhales sharply. “Jason.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oooooh the suspense! a cliffhanger :) never done one of those before. at least this slow burn has stopped being quite so painfully slow.


End file.
